July 27, 2012

nicHi douglas

Chinese citizen Fei Lin had his penis severed and stolen. Political Subversities located the missing member to bring you the penis’ side of the story in his own words.

It was late.  Fei had fallen asleep and so had I.  I laid my head to rest in the fine but multitudinous thicket of hair I call home.  Life in my Niqiao village, in between the pale, pale thighs of a middle-aged Asian man, was easy.  Or so I thought.  Suddenly, Fei was up and moving, being pushed this way and that.  And then I was viciously exposed, without any warning or provocation.  I’m used to a gentle tugging, at least, and being called upon by my Chinese name, Hen xiao-Dan jilie (meaning “tiny but fierce”).  I was offered none of these niceties, as a frail masked man leaned in toward me with a glimmering dagger and a million dollar smile.  I wriggled and writhed about; I wasn’t about to go down without a fight.  I went limp, hard, limp, hard; I tried everything to thwart the villain’s plans.  Yet, it was all to no avail.  I was sliced cleanly off. 

I couldn’t believe that Fei didn’t panic or scream, until the bandit had stolen me away about 30 yards. That’s when I heard Fei yell out in agony.  I screamed out, too, and the thief almost dropped me from the moisture.  Later, out of Fei’s ear shot, I was placed in an icy chamber.  At first I was shocked, still traumatized from the hasty and violent separation.  But then my anatomy acclimated to the temperature and I found myself quite relaxed.  I am ashamed to say it, but I enjoyed the cool.  Because, you know … the balls.  They are so hot. 

Life here has been strange, to say the least.  I live in an ice cold, oxygenated, apothecary jar now.  And here I sit, accompanied by no one, on a shelf, in a room, occupied by absolutely nothing else.  With nothing to do, and no one’s attention to gain, I am left to ponder the criminal’s motive.  But I’ve always shot blanks, so each idea is less useful than the last.  All I can wonder is WHY?

What would Justin Bieber want with an Asian penis?

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