July 29, 2012

Cyndi Perczek

Guys, I have something very serious to confess……….

I’ve never eaten a real tomato before. UNTIL NOW. I’ve been working on my sister’s vegetable farm in Oregon and one afternoon I got curious enough to eat one fresh off the plant. My tastebuds experienced a kind of deliciousness they had been deprived of for far too long. And so I came to a shocking conclusion. 

There are tomato imposters all over this country, many of which I’ve been putting in my mouth! They give the illusion of being ripe, red, and juicy but are in fact unripe plastic versions of their former selves! The question is, why are all these tomatoes pretending to be real? Because they’ve been paid a lot of money by big agricultural businesses like Monsanto and Dupont to keep quiet! They want us to forget what real food tastes like so they can keep making money off their plastic food. 

As soon as I learned the news I went to the local Fred Meijer and confronted all the tomato imposters there.  I could smell the guilt. I picked one of the baby tomatoes up and told them if they didn’t turn themselves in then I would finish her. But then I was rudely interrupted by a Fred Meijer employee asking me if I was ok. Ok? Strange.I immediately put it all together. Of course they’re gonna make me look crazy when they don’t want anyone to find out where the vegetable imposters are. I’m watching you, fake tomatoes. I know where you live.

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