August 2, 2012

Andrew Butler

I have a few issues with this summer’s tween hit “What Makes You Beautiful” from boy band One Direction, mostly with the refrain, which goes, “you don’t know you’re beautiful/that’s what makes you beautiful.” 

First off, YOU FOOL! WHY WOULD YOU TELL HER?!? NOW SHE KNOWS SHE IS BEAUTIFUL AND THUS CAN NO LONGER BE BEAUTIFUL WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?!

Secondly, a quick breakdown: One Direction’s proposal is not that a lack of self-awareness is creating beauty, but rather that if the subject is aware of her beauty (however it may have been created, be it by god, nature or science) then she can never truly be beautiful. Those are high standards. She’s gotta be really pretty AND too socially incompetent to ever understand how others perceive her AND can’t have enough self esteem to consider herself beautiful without regard to the perceptions of others OR she must be beautiful and unaware of the concept of beauty entirely, which might imply a significantly lower than average level of mental development. That’s controversial stuff, One Direction. Bold move.

In terms of finding a soul-mate, or at least someone to make out with on class field trips to the aquarium, that’s a pretty tall order. I’m not sure that this choice is really serving you well, One Direction. Besides, there are other attributes that far more elegantly and accurately fit the equation, “you don’t know you’re X, that’s what makes you X.” Thus I proudly present my life’s greatest work to date:

Other Personal Attributes Created by Your Lack of Awareness of Said Attributes

You don’t know you’re an idiot, that’s what makes you an idiot.

You don’t know you’re (literally) an animal, that’s what makes you (literally) an animal. 

You don’t know you’re gullible, that’s what makes you gullible. 

You don’t know you’re slowly making everyone around you hate you with every word you say, that’s what makes you slowly make everyone around you hate you with every word you say. 

You don’t know you’re an embarrassment, that’s what makes you an embarrassment. 

You don’t know know you have amnesia that’s what makes you have amnesia.

You don’t know you sound desperate, that’s what makes you sound desperate. 

You don’t know you’re being exploited by record companies, that’s what makes you exploited by record companies.