August 26, 2012

Todd Dakotah Briscoe

Do you have a friend who plays Tennis?

Of course you don’t.

Because people who play tennis don’t have friends, they have “partners.”

Even tennis aficionados don’t have friends, they have people with whom they can go watch tennis.  These people usually have a variety of polo shirts and prefer Aquavit as their drink of choice.

Do you know what Aquavit is?  Of course not.  You probably think Venus is better than Serena, you moron.

Tennis people are JUST PLAIN TERRIBLE.  It’s a fact. I bet most “tennis people” would agree.  They hate themselves, and they punish themselves by wearing visors and khaki shorts.

I happen to work in a hotel that specializes in “tennis people.”  These tennis people come for the US Open, and most of them actually run the entire event.  You know because they let you know.   

 Below are REAL quotes from these “tennis people.”  

- “Excuse me, boy. Can you fetch me a bottle of water?”  (No, I can’t.) 

- “Hi Sweetie, my grandkids drink Pepsi, not Coke. Is the owner of [entire major hotel brand] here?”

- “What’s the best show on Broadway I can get tickets to that other people can’t get tickets to?” 

- “Where’s a good restaurant where only affluent people go that also isn’t stuffy?” 

- “I have a dinner reservation 2 blocks from here.  Do I order a car through you?” 

- “How do you recommend winning an auction at Christi’s?  How many have you won?” 

- “If I complain about my housekeeper will she get fired?  No?  How do I get her fired?”  

- “WHERE IS THE NEAREST  TALBOTS?” as they run out the front door.

- “DID YOU SEE MY WIFE?  SHE WAS GOING TO TALBOTS” as they run out the front door.  

Is the US Open over yet?