You’re reading this because you have something you want to sell to the citizens of New York.
Maybe you want people to know about Jesus? Maybe you have a cool comedy club and you just want to find some people who like comedy? Or maybe you have a new, interesting theory on whatreally happened on 9/11.
You’ve come to the right place. In this article, I’ve included some of my own personal tips for getting the good people of New York to buy your product!
Tip 1: Yell at them. People won’t pay attention if you approach them nicely. You must approach them caustically and loudly. Potential customers love to take time for people who are yelling. Here is a sample conversation you can use:
YOU: HEY LADY, WHY DON’T YOU HELP THE ENVIRONMENT?!?!?!
WOMAN: Well, I’m on my way to work.
YOU: HELP THE ENVIRONMENT?!?!?!?!
WOMAN: Sign me up!
Tip 2: If at first you don’t succeed, try insulting them. I once told a Greenpeace worker that I wasn’t interested. He called me an “asshole.” Now I obviously love Greenpeace.
Tip 3: Only go after people avoiding eye contact. If you see someone walking down the street and it looks like they’re trying to avoid you, those are obviously the ones that you want to spend your time pursuing. The only reason, the ONLY reason, they’re not making eye-contact is because they’re too embarrassed to admit how much they want what you got.
Tip 4: Yes, Everyone Likes Hip Hop.
Tip 5: Did you know you are the FIRST person to tell these people about Jesus!?
Tip 6: Get in the way of people in a hurry. If someone looks like they’re in a hurry and trying to avoid the crowds of Times Square, it’s because they’re in a hurry to buy YOUR discount tickets to Evita starring Ricky Martin.
Tip 7: The best time to sell on the subway is between the hours of 6am to 9AM. People are tired, resentful that they have to go to work, and crammed into an aluminum can like sardines. Is there a better time for people to hear the good news about Jesus?
Tip 8: Everyone likes hip hop and has never heard about Jesus!
Tip 9: Only reach out to people in the MOST crowded subway cars. Find the most crowded subway cars in New York and push your way through the people while yelling the gospel. Those dirty looks you receive are just from Satan.
Tip 10: Don’t approach tourists. Tourists are savvy and have heard it all before! When you stop them to see if they have a moment to talk about kids who need to be fed, they’ve been there! Done that! You want the poor, foolish New Yorker talking on their cell-phone. You should interrupt them.
Tip 11: Poems are hot! If the people of 2012 want ONE thing, it’s a poem, but they have no idea where to get one! Poems are a great industry to break into. Approach as many people as you can with your poems. It’s even better if the poems have typos- that means they’re artsy!
Tip 12: Hip hop you say? Who is this Jesus fellow?