September 21, 2012

Todd Dakotah Briscoe

The 2012 Emmy Awards will be broadcast this Sunday and millions of television fans and fat people will be watching to see if Phil Keoghan will FINALLY beat Cat Deeley as best Reality Television Host.  The masses will need to know if Alan Skog’s beautiful direction of The Nutrcracker on PBS will beat out frontrunner Don Mischer’s work on the Academy Awards.

While we have to muddle through the boring categories like Best Actress and Comedy Series, I’ve proposed a drinking game to help get us through:

• Betty White is nominated as best Reality Tv Host (Betty White’s “Off Their Rockers”).  Every time she makes an inappropriate comment, take a drink.
• Every time someone makes a joke about Betty White’s age, take a drink.
• When the Best Supporting Actresses in a Comedy Series or Best Actresses in a Comedy Series all agree to do a hilarious prank or stunt (acting like a pageant, funny glasses) finish your drink and applaud their desire to show women supporting other women.
• Take another shot when those actresses who don’t win all nod their heads like they knew that person would win.
• Take a shot when Mad Men wins Best Drama Series.
• Like, fucking finish a bottle when Downton Abbey beats Mad Men.
• Inject some heroin when Boardwalk Empire wins.  (I know a guy… leave a comment if you need a hook up).
• Take a drink when Lena Dunham is shown wearing a quirky/interesting dress that could also be described as “unflattering.”
• Tilt your head to the side like a confused puppy whenever someone talks about “Hemingway and Gellhorn.” 
• Take a shot whenever someone makes a joke about Sofia Vergara speaking Spanish.  Or her boobs.
• Take a shot every time Todd giggles when someone says Benedict Cumberbatch.  You won’t be watching with me, but it’ll basically be every time someone says Benedict Cumberbatch. 
• Take a long slow drag of a cigarette and think about your wasted dreams and wish that you had just a little more morphine left when Jessica Lange wins for her Tennessee Williams-esque performance in “American Horror Story.”
• Take a piss when best director of a Variety Series is announced.
• Pass me the wings.
• Take a drink when someone makes a joke about “Nurse Jackie” being a comedy.
• Do a Sarah Palin impression when Julianne Moore’s category is shown and then take a drink when it’s awkward that no one is laughing.
• Make a mental note to yourself that maybe this year you’ll try watching Breaking Bad.
• Take a shot if Kristin Wiig loses.
• Wake up the next day and promise that you’re going to start watching less television and hit the gym more, but then make sure that the season premiere of “The Walking Dead” is being DVR’d.