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Why General Tim Allen Should Not Be Allowed to Command NATO

I read today that the White House is going to go ahead with the nomination of Gen. Allen as Europe’s NATO commander since the Pentagon cleared him of any misconduct in the General Petraeus scandal. Honestly, I had forgotten that Allen existed. I don’t have cable at the moment so I haven’t seen a rerun of Home Improvement in ages, nor the nightly news, but I feel strongly that Allen is the wrong choice for NATO commander. Here’s why Congress should not approve his nomination:

1.) Too much plastic surgery. The article I saw was paired with this photo:

 

Why did Allen change his appearance so much? He used to look like this:

 

WHAT GIVES, ALLEN? He doesn’t even look younger. Can we trust someone who makes these sorts of decisions?

2.) Almost certainly not a real general. Name me ONE OTHER GENERAL who has had a successful career as an actor, comedian and voice-over artist? YOU CAN’T. I think Allen is awesome, but I have a hard time believing he’s a real general.

 3.) He’s a total klutz. Have you SEEN Home Improvement? Do you really want someone that disaster prone running NATO in Europe? NO.

4.) Allen is THE SANTA CLAUSE. You can’t put The Santa Clause in a uniform! It will ruin the spirit of the holidays. What will come of this!?! The Santa Clause 4: The War on Christmas?!!??

OK, I will admit that Buzz Lightyear seems like a decent candidate. He’s got strategy and gusto and those wings that pop out. But honestly, if someone is holding a position of that much power, wouldn’t we all rather it be Tom Hanks?

Now THAT’S what I call a commander of NATO forces in Europe!