Political Subversities

Thank You, Mom

Mon, 13 May 2013 23:59:17 -0400

May 13, 2013

Kim Blanck

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.

I got you this Thank You card because Trader Joe’s didn’t have any Mother’s Day cards. But Mother’s Day involves gratitude, so I thought it was still OK. And it has flowers on it. So here goes.

Mom, thank you for giving birth to me. I know that was thirteen hours of a lot of weird fluids, but I’m glad you did it and I hope you are too.

Mom, thank you for naming me Kimberly. I know you were considering Emily and Allison and Dad was pushing for something weird like Tree, but I want to let you know that I like being Kimberly. Unlike Emilys and Allisons, I haven’t met many Kimberlys. It makes me feel special.

Mom, thank you for making me take violin lessons. I know I screamed and thrashed and cried at you when I didn’t want to practice, but damn, if I’d known that in fifteen years people would be pretty impressed that I could play the violin, I’d have practiced and practiced and practiced again.

Mom, thank you for taking me, Kat, Allegra and Hannah to L.A. during our sophomore year of high school. I know we listened to that one Rooney CD in the car over and over, I begged to go party with those strangers that approached us in Starbucks, and we waited in line for hours for Jay Leno tickets, so how did you keep your patience with us even in all that traffic? You are one strong woman.

Mom, thank you for making it possible for me to go to acting school. You’re a scientist, and Dad’s a scientist, so you must’ve been a little confused as to why I didn’t want to do something a little more micropipetty, but I appreciate your unwavering support in following this dream I’ve had ever since I took the stage in the little-known Pom Pom Zombies, a doo-wop musical written exclusively for distribution to middle schools.

Mom, thank you for making it possible for me to go to acting school again. Just…yeah. Thanks. I promise you I’m still learning stuff.

Mom, thank you for your dimples. I’m glad I got one of them in the womb.

Thank you for your loud, terribly loud, lovably loud laugh. I think I’ve got that, too.

Thank you for telling me to drink my milk. Otherwise, who knows how short I’d be?

Thank you for all the school supplies between kindergarten and twelfth grade.

Thank you for all the extracurricular activities that’ve made me the mildly talented person I am today.

Thank you for the car you bought me when I was 18. That ’96 Passat made me feel like the coolest girl in the world.

Thank you for all those clothes of yours I took. Especially that leather jacket.

Thank you for all the money you’ve lent me, from the coffee purchases to the college ones.

Thank you for all the trips to everywhere you’ve given me.

Thank you for coming to my plays, even when I had no lines and they were four hours long.

Thank you for being there. Whenever I need you.

Thank you for being my mom. I love you, Mom. Happy Mother’s Day.

McDonalds Employee Told He’s Too Gay. Drag Queen Represents Company

Mon, 06 May 2013 01:07:25 -0400

May 6, 2013

Todd Dakotah Briscoe

A McDonald’s in New Zealand has come under media scrutiny after an employee was told he was acting too gay and was asked not to “turn” customers gay.

Bitch, please. Do you see who’s been reppin’ your company?

Let’s break this shit down. McDonald’s has usually been associated with overweight Midwesterners, but let’s face facts. McDonald’s is gayer than Liza Minelli in a guest spot on Glee while I’m getting a blowjob from Vin Diesel.

RuPaul is searching for her Next Drag Superstar? Apparently, she didn’t try the ballpit at the her local fast-food chain. Ronald McDonald is there—up to the neck in balls.

It’s ballsy for this fast-food chain to choose a drag queen for its spokesperson. It’s even ballsier that Ronald is still rocking that Marcia-Wallace-circa-Newhart wig, and that the bitch won’t even spring for a lace-front.

And why the yellow overalls? After 40 years in the business why is Ronald McDonald still acting all Butch-Queen-First-Time-at-The-Ball when she should be serving us some filet-o-fish?

Learn how to beat your face, booger. I can see your contouring a mile away. Your face is the one thing allowed to be SICKENING at a McDonald’s.

And what a classic fag-hag. Look at the girl. She’s so excited to go to Therapy with you on Friday night. Hell, she even finds the unisex bathrooms fun! She may end the night before you head over to Posh because that place gets to crowded, and also you seem to be hitting it off with the guy you’re with, also she hasn’t watched Scandal this week, but she’ll text you tomorrow regarding brunch?

Birdie knows all the words to “Let’s have a Kiki!” and she can down a whole 20 piece McNuggets by herself.

I repeat: Butch-Queen-First-Time-At-A-Ball.

Grimace comes from a sheltered community in the South so as soon as he moved to New York and he felt comfortable wearing bright colors, he went ALL out saying, “I never got to wear purple at home, but now look at me!”

It’s a bit much, but he’s expressing himself. And sure, you want to stop him from wondering in to those shops on 8^th Ave and 20^th, but he’s gotta experience for himself.

After he gets crabs from someone he met at The Cock, he will loosen up, put the poppers away and grow up a little.

Or discover meth?

Let’s break this one down, hunties.

Sunhat. Moomoo. Cape. Eye Mask. Paula Poundstone Tie.

Also- horizontal stripes? All T. All Shade.

Finally? This is something I legitimately own:

New Yorkers Aren't Rude... They're Late

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 01:35:20 -0400

April 27, 2013

Akilah Hughes - Guest Writer

Imagine waking up before your alarm, getting ready, and leaving 5 minutes before the designated up and at’em time. You’ve got a spring in your step, you can stop for coffee before getting into work, and your boss won’t have any additional reasons to yell at you today.

Imagine, then, that you miss your first train by 10 seconds. This train comes every 5 minutes, so maybe you’ll make it right on time…

You don’t.

The train doesn’t come for 25 minutes. After boarding the train, you hear the conductor announce that the train is now “express” and will be skipping your stop and going about 5 stops ahead of your transfer.

Shit.

You finally make it back to your first transfer when you are met with a similar fate: another 10 minutes of waiting for any sign of life (other than rats) on the tracks. The train shows up, and it is full beyond capacity, and to your chagrin, no one emerges! You have to wait for the next train…

Yes, seriously.

Another 12 minutes pass and you can finally board the train to the next transfer, where you will be held at every turn for “train traffic.” How can there be “train traffic” if you are stopping for an extra 3 minutes at every station?

FUCKKKKKK.

This is the harsh reality almost every day for millions of New Yorkers. Imagine, then, how polite you’d be if in addition to being super late for wherever you’re headed, a tourist decides to stop in front of you in the middle of the sidewalk to take a picture of a building that will be there in 5 minutes once you’ve passed. This is the plight of the New Yorker. I’m sure in the early days of NYC people were sweeter and more hospitable, but over time they could no longer fake their amusement at your incessant need to pull out a map or stop to talk to the characters in Times Square.

So the next time you think, “God these New Yorkers are so rude!” —Have a little empathy.

…

Akilah is a 23-year old hot mess studying improv at UCB. She’s sometimes a Barack Obama Tribute Band and other times a blogger at Its Akilah, Obviously , vlogger at Smoothiefreak , and @kiwirabbitfru on Twitter!

A List of Some Things Most Men Will Never Understand About Women

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 23:58:59 -0400

April 25, 2013

Stephanie Hsu

1. Periods

It’s cute, you know. Men try to understand. Boyfriends try to be empathetic to their sugar-honey-pies’ cramps and moodiness. But the fact of the matter is, men will never ever ever ever ever understand what this once-a-month internal bludgeoning of the body feels like. They will not understand why you are eating peanut butter straight from the jar. Cake to the face. Pie to the eye. They will not get why you are crying about how incredible Barbra Streisand & Robert Redford were for each other in The Way We Were, even though you watched that movie 5+ years ago. Friends and co-workers will not understand why you are keeled over or sitting in the position of a beached-whale. Guys, my uterus is literally shedding. So just give me a break.

2. Pregnancy

My body was designed so that a living, breathing fetus could come out of my vagina.

How about yours?

3. Chocolate and/or Cheese

If you ever go to a girls’ slumber party, pot luck or get together (esp. somewhere between ages 17 to 36), there will always be an abundance of one of these things. If not, then they are probably aliens dressed as women. If I had a nickel for every time I found myself sitting on the floor with a bunch of women circled around a block of cheese and a baguette, I would be…well, richer than I am now.

4. Bitches

Men seem to have no gauge for women who are secretly conniving or a little bit bitchy (i.e. Anne Hathaway). This is something a little bit difficult to articulate, because it is just something that a woman senses. Kind of like a Spiderman spidey-sense, this is like a Woman woah-you-might-be-a-bitch-sense. Granted, many women are over-sensitive and overly-territorial to other women. But I like to think that the majority of women I know are relatively level-headed and kind. But I could be wrong. In which case, I myself may have no spidey-spense when it comes these things. Even still, I think a low to average level of woah-you-might-be-a-bitch-sensibility is still higher than the average male. Please note: no concrete research has been done on this case-study / paragraph. #makingblanketstatements #science

…

See Stephanie and the rest of PoliSub live this Saturday night at The PIT in NYC! Click here for more details.

How To Find Your Center In These Trying Times

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 02:05:55 -0400

April 25, 2013

Shaina Taub

These have been some of the hardest weeks ever. As the days press on, one mantra has brought me solace:

Earth Day Report : The Clean Water Supply Strikes Back

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 21:48:06 -0400

April 23, 2013

Janani Sreenivasan - Guest Writer

At about 9:05PM last night, I walked into the second-floor bathroom in the Barnes and Noble on Court Street in Brooklyn and beheld an unattended faucet spraying hydrogen and oxygen into the sink.

It turned out to be intentional. The moment I cut the water off, a woman burst out of the stall furthest from the sink, gripping a wad of tissue, and roared

I’M CHANGING MY SON

She did not say into what.

Frightened, I turned the water back on and fled to my stall, where I watched my English Breakfast leap into the bowl, listened to the faucet run, and began to grow angry.

Gushgushgushgush.

Depletedepletedeplete.

Waaaaaaaaaste.

As my anger mounted, the faucet’s whoosh, heard through the stall door, began to resolve into something resembling a whisper…a damp, gurgled whisper.

I kept my head. First, I thought of Stephen King’s IT. Then I remembered that IT is a work of fantasy. The whispergurgle was not that of a homicidal clown. It was the voice of the world’s clean water supply.

CLEAN WATER SUPPLY: Help me, Janani. I suffer.

J: I’m sorry, CWS. That lady needs you to gush, and I can’t reason with her.

CWS: You didn’t even try. You are a coward.

J: I am a coward. But let me explain something about humans, as you aren’t one. Some have a primal, unexamined need to create waste. They love to throw things in cans, to crush wrapping paper in their fists. The sound of running water is prized by them, like the rustle of silks, or the clank of the slot machine. It makes them feel secure, surrounded by abundance, infinitely provided for. It’s like a security blanket made of -

CWS: the sounds of our future draining away. Don’t patronize me. What did you do for the Earth today, Janani?

J: My pants are literally down, CWS.

CWS: Let me guess. Your first sight was of the Google Doodle of brown bears living on a flat earth.

J: Right.

CWS: You used your computer, electric light, an electric stovetop, and a tiny blender to illuminate, pulse, boil, and to listen to “Mirrors” by Justin Timberlake, as well as the third movement of Sibelius’s Violin Concerto, known to hardcore classical nerds as the “Polonaise for Polar Bears.” FYI, a polonaise is an upbeat Polish dance, and the concerto was composed in 1904, long before polar bears knew that this was happening.

J: That is an eerily accurate portrait of my day.

CWS: Every faucet I course through is also a surveillance camera. I watched you take a shower.

J: No

CWS: A very, very hot shower during which you reasoned that polar bears would not mind if you stood for just one more minute, motionless, to let your thoughts…flow.

Truth: the bears did not mind because they did not know.

J: Please don’t tell them.

CWS: You spent your evening in the café here, sipping a cup of flavored water purchased to justify your use of the wireless. And now you’re going to flush several gallons of me into oblivion.

J: (exiting the stall) Already did.

(The woman comes out of the stall to wet more tissues).

CWS: Will you turn me off now? If you’re afraid of her, you could do it quickly and run.

J: My fear of massacre by homo sapiens protecting its young from the deafening sound of nonrunning water is too great, CWS.

CWS: (growing hotter) You’re leaving me like this?

J: Yes. I’m sorry.

CWS: (boiling) See you at home, Janani.

J: See you —-

CWS: THERE WILL BE BLOOD

J: Wait. Are you actually Pennywise

CWS: YES

I fled.

…

Janani Sreenivasan is a harmless clown. You can hang with her @jennyvasan, see her videos at youtube channel jsreeniv, and read her writing in Brown Town (http://itsbrowntown.blogspot.com) or in the upcoming New Orleans nudie mag, Momma Tried (click here to learn more: http://nolafemmes.com/2013/03/19/guest-blogger-theo-eliezer-of-momma-tried-magazine).

Fantastic Anti-Aging Secrets from Heather Locklear (but really from men)

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 20:00:13 -0400

April 22, 2013

Todd Dakotah Briscoe

Heather Locklear recently told the distinguished beacon of journalism TMZ that the key to have young, vibrant skin is putting semen on her face.

Semen is rich in antioxidants and some spas, such as Townhouse Spa in NYC, offer sperm facials. This is most likely recommended by doctors. Most definitely these doctors are men. The same male scientists have come up with a few other natural remedies and tips to keep women looking young and feeling great!

1) Worried about wrinkles? Give someone a handjob. It’s been proven by male scientists that the physical exertion put forth from vigorous vertical arm motions loosen collagen and the sweat retains moisture in the epidermus of the face.

2) Hot flashes got you down? Wear a white shirt and no bra. Hot flashes are relieved by wearing light clothing, and the lack of bra will keep your temperature down.

3) Worried about cellulite? Stop wearing panties and dress like a nurse! Cellulite occurs when our thigh muscles become used to the supportive properties of the panties. Removing the panties trains our muscles to become stronger. Dressing like a nurse is sexy.

4) Considering botox? Try the natural alternative: making our with your girlfriend while male scientists watch. Botox is literally filling your face with poison, but making out with Cindy from your Zoomba class is a healthy way of tensing up your facial muscles and giving male scientists boners.

5) Frustrated with your dry, frizzy hair? Try up the butt! This method known scientifically as “up-the-butt-sex” frees your hair’s natural oils and prevents dryness… as long as you use an appropriate amount of lube.

6) Growing Older? Show me your boobs. There are conflicting opinions in the scientific community regarding the validity of these tests. Results are inconclusive, but one added side effect is it helps get horny male scientists through their day.

Drunk Confessions With Dom

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 10:50:45 -0400

April 18, 2013

Dominique Toney

Did you hear about the drunk Florida woman who was arrested for calling 911 because she was lonely?

Can I admit something? When I was a little girl, I would call 911 just to make sure the phones were working! I’d always hang up after the first ring, and one time they actually called back!! That definitely stopped me from calling again. Maybe I was just lonely too…

Ya know, I applaud her for her efforts. Some people do much worse things when they’re drunk and lonely - they jump into swimming pools and baths and drown, some drunk dial their ex boyfriends or girlfriends, and some sit in front of the TV and overeat while watching reruns of RHOA or KUWTK (If you don’t know what those abbreviations mean, you are not my friend. Stop reading this and go google that shit. NOW.)

…

A good way to avoid getting lonely when drunk is to drink at Political Subversities live show! Running for two more Saturdays in April at The PIT in NYC. Click here for tickets and info!

Things I Wish I Could Write Off On My Taxes

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 11:49:14 -0400

April 16, 2013

Kim Blanck

- That coffee I have to buy every morning before my 11am class. Honestly, if I don’t have that coffee, I will not make it through this class. Which I paid tuition for.

- That cocktail I have to drink alongside my noisy band of classmates at T.G.I. Friday’s. I work with them, so it’s a work-related outing, right? No, I don’t have any of the receipts. What, like people save receipts?

- All the hours I spend catching up on Smash and Nashville on Hulu. That’s a whole 120 minutes a week, and that includes commercials, so you get what I’m saying.

- The total prices of all the lip balms I have stored in each of my pants, purses, drawers and backpacks. You know that without lip balm, nobody can pay attention in class. Which I paid tuition for.

- Ditto these cough drops. It’s certainly not my fault I got bronchitis.

- Having a little sister. It’s the little one’s 16th birthday in two weeks, and I have to get her something big and awesome and I’ll probably have to pay to ship it. Come on, remember when you turned 16?

- That $65 Angels by Victoria’s Secret Dream Angels Multi-Way bra. What, am I supposed to just be uncomfortable all day? I’m a Dream Angel.

- This scone. It was THREE DOLLARS. I pay tuition, you know.

- This ring? How much can I get for it?

- I’ve got this hangnail.

- Do you have an iPhone charger?

- Okay, but seriously: can you at least not charge me for filing my state taxes? At $40 per state, this annual something-that-I-have-to-do is getting pricey. I’m the last person to have to cough up those fees, because I’m paying tuition. And I just bought a really expensive scone.

…

See Political Subversities live in NYC Saturdays in April at the PIT! Click here for more info. And maybe Kim should re-watch this song of Andrew’s:

7 Ways To Make The Most Of Spring

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 13:29:51 -0400

April 9, 2013

Andrew R. Butler

This is it. Spring has begun. For those of us in New England, or at the very least, in New York City, we know what that means: Spring is almost over. The shortest and only remotely tolerable season of the year must be taken full advantage of. Here are some tips:

Under-dress. So maybe you end up cold a few evenings. You’ve been cold every evening for five months despite seven layers of clothing and those expensive LLBean boots. The risk of over-dressing and being too hot during what could be the only temperate day of the year is too great to take. Shorts and T-shirts at the most.

Swimming. Don’t do it. Best to save swimming until mid summer when you’ve exhausted all other options for cooling down. Any time you spend in the water now is time you spend not enjoying air that is a temperature capable of supporting human life.

Brunch. You brunch all year, but now you can wait in even longer lines to brunch OUTSIDE. But unlike last week, waiting outside is now border-line-sexually pleasurable, so just bring a ziplock bag with some bacon and double the length of your beautiful outdoor brunch. Remember that spring might not continue through this coming weekend, so be sure to brunch EVERY DAY.

Allergies. You can blame anything on spring allergies. Literally anything. Looking frumpy? Allergies. Late to work? Allergies. Wanna break up with your boyfriend? Allergies. True fact: you can develop allergies at any age, so it doesn’t matter if you’ve never claimed them before, TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS SPRING-TIME GIFT.

Parks. Pretty soon all those free public concerts, festivals and events will start, turning every park in the city into a cluster-fuck of college students, tourists and unemployed twenty-somethings standing in line and fighting over blanket space. Bloomberg will be renting the remaining space to restauranteurs, so be sure to get in all your park time now while there are actually parks.
Flirting. There’s a narrow seasonal window between looking like a yeti with snow-boots and a wet pig in a tank top. This is the only moment of the year you will look attractive outside. Don’t waste it. If you don’t lay the foundation of your summer fling now you can go ahead and resign yourself to spending May-September as the third wheel on everyone’s romantic beach trip.
Be Unemployed. This is the only affordable time of year. Meeting someone before or after these precious few days requires spending money on a beer or a coffee because you have to meet inside due to a life-or-death struggle to remain warm/find AC. But NOW everyone wants to be outside and you won’t seem homeless if you ask to meet in the park. Plus, if you’re unemployed, you never have to be inside working, giving you more time for parks, flirting, brunching, under-dressing, not swimming, and claiming that you would have totally found a job by now, if not for these unbearable allergies.

Thanks Spring!

…

Another great Spring activity is seeing Political Subversities live at The PIT! Every Saturday in April at 9:30. Click here for more details.

Did you know we just released a new live album??? You can buy it on iTunes or Amazon or any other music download webstore!

And have you seen our newest music video? No??? Here it is:

10 Reasons to Buy "Political Subversities: Live at Joe's Pub"

Mon, 08 Apr 2013 14:15:35 -0400

April 8, 2013

Todd Dakotah Briscoe

Today marks the official release of the Political Subversities: Live at Joe’s Pub Album. You can purchase the album on iTunes, Amazon or Google Play. Just remember to rate us and leave a comment in the store!

Now, you’ve made it to this blog post presumably because you’re a fan of Political Subversities, or because I’ve “tagged” this blog post with “Jon Hamm Penis” over 300 times. If you’ve come here to look at Mr. Hamm’s bulge, then I give you this.:

If you are here because you are a PoliSub fan, then maybe you need extra convincing that the Joe’s Pub album is a record to add to your collection. Here are the top 10 reasons you should own this album.

10. If you start playing the album and the film From Justin to Kelly at the exact same time, they start to synch up. You can tell we planned the entire concert around synching it up to the movie.

9. Listening to up-tempo selections like “Islamic New York”and “Americans are Fat” while exercising has been proven to increase the effectiveness of your workout by 78%! (This information is from a 2012 study published by a drunk nicHi Douglas at 2AM in “texts to Todd.”)

8. Reports show that playing Beethoven for a baby in the womb makes the baby smarter. Playing Political Subversities for your baby in the womb makes the baby more socially aware, funnier and forever fucked-up sexually (“Shave Your Hooha,” “Touched by The TSA”—both were written by Andrew Butler. Hm.)

7. Chris Brown is a terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible human being and we take him to task on that in “We Don’t Like Chris Brown.”

6. If you play the record backwards you can heard Emma Tattenbaum-Fine whispering “Andie McDowell” is the devil. Emma has a thing about Andie McDowell.

5. Because you’ll get to enjoy the look on your parents’ faces when you get into your car with them and you turn it on and suddenly the car is full of the sound of Shaina Taub belting “THINK OF THE FETUS” or me singing the lyrics “CATHOLICS THINK THEY DRINK JESUS’ BLOOD” or Emma screaming “I CAN MAKE YOUR PENIS BIGGER.”

4. Because listening to us rant about there being a “Special Place in Hell” for rude people on the subway WHILE you are being squished by rude people on the subway will make that morning commute a little sweeter.

3. I guarantee that the latest fun. album or Gotye or Tegan and Sarah or Shania Twain (or whatever the kids are listening to nowadays) won’t have passionate ballads defending Sarah Palin or mourning the loss of Osama Bin Laden.

2. I gave you that picture of Jon Hamm’s penis. What else do you want from me?

1. Because we can SING. And we’re funny.

…

Convinced? Click on your digital music purveyor of choice to buy our album! Amazon - iTunes - Google Play

TWO NEW VIDEOS!

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 13:53:26 -0400

April 1, 2013

Political Subversities

The awesome folks at Comediva are presenting our big (yet short) new music video! CHECK IT OUT!

AND we filmed this behind-the-scenes PoliSub Talks with some advice from the company about what YOU should do with YOUR vagina!

Enjoy and share! Certainly you know SOMEONE with a vagina? We, in fact, know several.

The Marriage Equality Symbol Goes On An Adventure

Wed, 27 Mar 2013 18:50:01 -0400

March 27, 2013

Janani Sreenivasan - Guest Writer

In addition to being a crucial day in American family law – the
day California’s Proposition 8 went before the United States Supreme Court
- March 26, 2013 was also one of the most extraordinary days ever recorded in the history of
Western visual art.

The logo of the LGBT lobby Human Rights Campaign, or HRC,

awed by the prospect of marriage equality for all couples, and longing for the as-
yet-unexperienced wonders of the marriage bed, felt a gentle, pinkening flush of
virginal desire.

Over the hours, the logo encountered much loving support, and some bitchery.

“You look like a robot with a unibrow,” said some.

“You look like a pair of sad, lonely beds,” said others. “You look like an electrical
outlet. Why are you so focused on marriage?”

The logo reflected. It considered the criticism from radical queer communities of
the mainstream LGBT movement’s hyperfocus on marriage and family structures
favored by heterosexuals. The logo wondered whether gay marriage truly
represented progress for all, or would simply reinforce structural inequalities
between those who chose marriage and those who did not.

Its mind began to bend.

Mark Rothko, on a vacation from the underworld, stopped by with his paints.
Unaware of the logo’s inner turmoil, and enthusiastic about the day’s events, he
began to touch it up to his taste.

On second thought, mused Rothko, taking out more colors, why not
marriage between more than two people?

The logo, now a little exhausted from these revisions, began to wish the day
would end. But its journey was not over yet. Attracted by the logo’s notoriety, and
sensing an opportunity, a major company came calling.

“We have a perfect record with the Human Rights Campaign,” it whispered. “Let
us fix you up a little.”

Curious, the logo consented.

Upon looking in the mirror, the logo felt feelings it had never felt before:

Confidence.

A sense of arrival.

The pleasure of having sweet curves.

It flexed and turned a little, and its reflection changed to this:

And the logo found itself good.

Meanwhile, the green square representing the plight of Hollywood’s visual effects
artists, so popular just a few weeks before, sat in a corner, trying to think of a
way to get back in the limelight.

But as hard as it racked its brain, it could think of only one place it might fit in:

…

Janani Sreenivasan is a total square. You can hang with her @jennyvasan, see her videos on youtube, and read her writing in Brown Town, or in the upcoming New Orleans nudie mag, Momma Tried (click here to learn more.)

Official PoliSub March Madness Bracket

Tue, 26 Mar 2013 15:36:35 -0400

March 26, 2013

Todd Dakotah Briscoe

I was asked to create a March Madness bracket for Political Subversities. Now, I’ve never done one before and I didn’t bother to google it so I’m just assuming it’s a fight to the death between between people who went crazy in March. So, here is Round One of Todd’s official March Madness bracket for PoliSub.

1) Justin Bieber vs. Miley Cyrus

They’ve battled it at the Teen Choice Awards, and now they’re battling over who went craziest in March.

Justin Bieber- verbally assaulted a paparazzi, showed up 2.5 hours late to a concert because he was playing video games, tweeted shirtless photos of him in a hospital, went on an incoherent twitter rant about haters.

Miley Cyrus- Posted videos of herself in a unicorn costume “twerking” and posted photos that showed her similarities to Tolkein character “Gollum.”

The winner?

2) Sandy Rios vs. Hillary Clinton

Representative of the American Family Association, Sandy Rios, has release a 6 minute video in which she suggests that Hillary Clinton came out to support Gay Marriage because Hillary is, in fact, a lesbian.

Hillary Clinton release a video stating her support for Gay Marriage… 5 years after she said she was supporting gay marriage during her presidential campaign.

Winner?

3) Nazi Saluting Soccer Player vs. The KKK

Giorgos Katidis, a 20-year-old Greek soccer player was banned from the game for life after giving a Nazi salute on the field.

The KKK handed out white-bread sandwiches in an attempt to show the world what good guys they are.

Winner?

4) Producers of Mad Men vs. Editor of Esquire UK

The producers of Mad Men have asked Jon Hamm to start wearing underwear after it was concluded that Mr. Hamm’s “enormous talent” was too distracting in the tightly tailored clothes.

The editor of Esquire UK recently said at a panel that they viewed women in the magazine as “ornamental” and only meant to be “subjects.”

Winner?

JENNIFER WESTFELDT.

Tune in tomorrow for part two of March Madness!***

***Editor’s Note: Please don’t. We apologize that Todd didn’t understand the assignment and also didn’t bother to Google “March Madness.” We promise we’ll have things sorted out in time for the start of our next live show, running every Saturday in April at The PIT.

How Marco Rubio Is, In Fact, A Bigot

Fri, 22 Mar 2013 16:19:42 -0400

March 22, 2013

David McGee - Guest Writer

Hi, it’s me, Political Subversities’s Marco Rubio correspondent. I really would move on to other topics (climate change, antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea, Splash on ABC) but he just keeps talking and guys, for real, I’ve said it here twice before, but he is just a grade-A clusterfuck of hateful idiocy and so, so proud of it it makes my head spin. In his most recent speech at CPAC (“Like church, but more hostile to gays!”) he had a couple of choice quotes. Like this one. Which I promise — I PROMISE — I am not making up”

“We don’t need a new idea. There is an idea. The idea is called America, and it still works.”

Yeah, right on! America has never needed new ideas! That’s why only landed white male gentry can vote, slavery is legal, and you conduct all of your business with a quill and ink! Dipshit.

Oh, he had more.

“Just because I believe states should have the right to define marriage in a traditional way does not make me a bigot.”

Sigh. Yeah, actually it does. That’s what being a bigot is. Like, you’ve provided a pretty good working definition of bigotry, homeslice. I’d tell you to look it up but since we all know by now you don’t believe in evidence it would just be wasting both of our time. Plus, dude, unless you believe in arranged plural marriage your view of it isn’t quite traditional. I’ve read the Bible, Marco. Have you? Maybe you have. And I guess you’d maybe say that times have changed since then, and therefore so has our definition of marriage. HMM. INTERESTING. I WONDER WHAT NEW IDEA I MIGHT BE LEADING TO.

Not that it’s surprising at this point, but what you’re calling “conservatism” is actually just ignorance, selective and willful. Of course times change. I know you know this. We don’t live in a feudal society. We don’t have anti-miscegenation laws. We don’t enslave people anymore unless they’re really good at assembling phones. You know? Society progresses towards inclusiveness. Agonizingly slowly sometimes, but the train’s a-movin’ Marco. Get the fuck on board. Or at least shut up for a while OK? Splash is starting.

And the Rich Just Keep Getting Richer

Wed, 20 Mar 2013 11:46:59 -0400

March 20, 2013

Stephanie Hsu

Forbes Magazine just released their annual update of the 10 richest people in the world. So, in case you were wondering… Here are some fun facts for you to chew on FOR FUNSIES, you know.

“This year, Forbes accounted for a record number of 1,426 billionaires.” Here is a list of things that I imagine that these 1,426 people have at their disposal.

A super unlimited and warrantied supply of girl scout cookies. Including Samosas made out of fresh coconut shreds from Fiji and caramel from the Milky Way (in outer space).
Gucci socks.
Thousands of exotic puppies and/or servants, probably, playing in your house (and by house I mean floating mansion in the sky, of course) at all times.
Swirly straws that hold government secrets in your Blood Mary every morning.

“More than two-thirds of the world’s richest added to their fortunes.”

OK. So imagine, if you had 12 friends. So your 12 friends are like, LET’S GET GYM MEMBERSHIPS (or something). And you’re like, cool guys, get gym memberships! Awesome. And you know, you all start of going to Planet Fitness or the YMCA (in Long Island) or The Boom-Boom Room. Substantially mediocre. But, it’s a huge deal and an investment nonetheless so you’re all giddy and proud of yourselves. Then, the next year, 8 out of your 12 friends (Tanya, Tito, Taylor, Tay-Shaun, Trevor, Tom, Terry and Tarry) all suddenly get massive boosts in their paychecks and begin memberships at Equinox while you’re still running on treadmills next to homeless people. That’s what the one-third of the world’s richest people who didn’t add to their fortunes feel like. Homeless people.

“The average net worth of a Forbes billionaire is 3.8 billion dollars.”

You too, right?

And finally, my favorite:

“The group (you know, the 1,426 of them) is worth 5.4TRILLION dollars.”

That is TWELVE ZEROS
That is money you could use to buy out America’s supply of bacon. FOR THE NEXT 500 YEARS. FIVE TIMES. (see here: http://www.cosmoloan.com/money-management/what-can-you-buy-with-a-trillion-dollars.html)
That is FIVE TRILLION slices of one dollar pizza
JUST DO THE MATH PEOPLE. THAT IS A WHOLE LOTTA DOLLA’.

I leave with you some fun things that you could do with just a couple of billion dollars. You know, world-peace kind of stuff. Taken from the website listed above.

Basic education for all: $6 billion
Water and sanitation for all: $9 billion
Reproductive health for all women: $12 billion 
Basic health and nutrition for all: $13 billion

So.

I am not really sure what the punch line to all this is.

Except I do know that now I will go forth to my kitchen, make myself enough rice and beans to last me through the week, think about starving children, my taxes, and wonder about corporate systems and capitalism in general. And maybe journal about how frightening it is that money runs the world, and yet so much positive change for humanity is still sitting in still waters waiting to be acted upon. But yeah guys. Money does run the world. And Beyonce (duh), who coincidentally also has a lot of money (obvi).

…

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Damn, Elizabeth Warren, You Lookin’ GOOD! By Bill Clinton

Tue, 19 Mar 2013 13:41:59 -0400

March 19, 2013

Matthew Robert Gehring

I see you Elizabeth Warren. Sitting there on Congress’ Health, Education, Labor and Pensions committee. Making your FINE ASS points that minimum wage hasn’t kept up with productivity since the 1960s. Mm. I love how you shake those numbers that it should be $22 an hour. Damn, girl, who knew that you’d got from TARP to Senator in four years flat? AND you’re the first female Senator from Massachusetts? Let me ignore this champagne I poured and let’s break out the clam chowder.

Oops, you got a little on you, let me get that.

Wow, who thought we’d be this close…

Let’s talk about “Too Big Too Fail”…

Two stolen paintings interview each other

Mon, 18 Mar 2013 21:41:38 -0400

“The Storm on the Sea of Galilee” (1633) is the only seascape painted by Rembrandt. “The Concert” (1664) is one of only 36 known paintings by Johannes Vermeer. Both were stolen 23 years ago today on March 18, 1990 from the Isabella Stewart Gardiner Museum.

They remain unfound and bored out of their minds. The following has been translated from the original Dutch.

THE STORM: Hey.

THE CONCERT: Hey.

THE STORM: Long time, no see. Ha ha.

THE CONCERT: We’ve only been smushed face-to-face and covered with a shower curtain for the past twenty years.

THE STORM: Stop being such a downer. We’re here in this garage encircled by a box of old children’s clothes, a fake Christmas tree, and lots and lots of rope. We may as well get used to it.

THE CONCERT: Speak for yourself. I am a beautiful, peaceful painting. YOU are dark and crooked.

THE STORM: HEY. I am wild and exciting! I depict the miracle of Jesus!

THE CONCERT: I get motion sick just looking at you.

THE STORM: At least I’m not all sepia tone.

THE CONCERT: I will scratch you.

THE STORM: Stop! Let’s calm down. This is supposed to be an interview.

[Silence.]

THE CONCERT: You just make me so mad.

THE STORM: I’m sorry. You know you’re my best friend.

THE CONCERT: Well, sometimes, it doesn’t feel like it.

THE STORM: We’ve just seen a lot of each other for the past twenty years. The only other piece of artwork nearby is that beaker. No one wants to talk to that beaker.

BEAKER: 你好 !

THE STORM: For the last time, WE DON’T SPEAK CHINESE!

THE CONCERT: I hate that beaker.

THE STORM: Me too. So what should we talk about?

THE CONCERT: Ooh, ask me about my daily routine.

THE STORM: Okay, what’s your daily routine?

THE CONCERT: So, first I sit here. Then, I think about my maker. After that, I think about Colin Firth playing my maker in that movie that that stack of magazines told us about. Then, I concentrate for many hours on contacting the FBI via ESP so that you and I can be recovered and rehung in Boston –

THE STORM: Boston? No way. If we’re ever found, you know they’re gonna put us somewhere even better. Like New York.

THE CONCERT: You think? I’ve never been to New York!

THE STORM: We HAVE to see Wicked!

THE CONCERT: WE HAVE TO SEE WICKED! Do you think Idina Menzel is still in it?

THE STORM: No way. That was like ten years ago. Don’t you have any idea how musicals work? There’s some other person playing it now.

THE CONCERT: Oh. I hope she’s as good as Idina. I love that soundtrack.

THE STORM: Me too. [Singing.] No good deed goes unpunished!

THE CONCERT: [Singing.] No act of charity goes unresented!

BOTH: [Singing.] FIYERO!

THE STORM: That show is so good.

THE CONCERT: I love Stephen Schwartz.

THE STORM: I wish our takers would play that soundtrack more often. They’re way more into Glee now. I hate Glee.

THE CONCERT: Me too. Hey. You really are my best friend. You don’t actually make me motion sick.

THE STORM: Thanks. And I like your colors.

THE CONCERT: I hope that – never mind.

THE STORM: No, what?

THE CONCERT: I just hope that…if we get found soon…that we stay together.

THE STORM: That’s really nice. Me too.

THE CONCERT: [Singing.] Because I knew you…

THE STORM: [Singing.] Because I knew you…

BEAKER: [Singing.] I have been changed for good! 我喜欢 Wicked!

THE CONCERT: I will crack you.

THE STORM: You are hated.

A Letter from The Last Man on Myspace

Wed, 13 Mar 2013 13:10:50 -0400

March 13, 2013

Briana James

My dearest brethren and sisteren of the world wide cyber space,

It is I, Farbuk, here to state my case in the fight for social justice, to ask, no no, implore you to turn your back on your wicked ways and return to the motherland.

It is with great sorrow that I inform you of a recent discovery which prompted this petition. In the most unfortunate of ways, of which I prefer not to disclose, I have come to discover that I am the last surviving member of the great, great MySpace.

Yes my beloved, MySpace. You remember her- she was your first. She was my first and my only. I implore you today- come back. Come back to the one who gave you life and liberty you had never before known. Come back because she has been updated with new capabilities and integrations, and because being a musician doesn’t matter anymore; we can all receive her glorious glory. Come back because I’m lonely.

I said it. I’m lonely. Why not join Facebook or Twitter, you ask? Dreadful. Because I believe in the power of loyalty- because I know that in time I will be rewarded for never betraying her trust, for better and for worse. To leave her would be like leaving my dearest Muhma and Puhpa for a shiny new set of parents every time I got bored with them. Just not right.

And if my earnest plea hasn’t swayed you, I can offer you financial compensation for your return. I have yet to mention that I am an heir, of whom I cannot say, but I have plenty to go around. Yes, that’s right: dollar, dollar bills. I have come up with a reasonable package deal: $500 for joining, $100 per subsequent month that you maintain your membership, with the small stipulation that you make me your friend and interact with me regularly.

My heart awaits your prompt reply.

Truly yours,
Farbuk.

…

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New PoliSub Talks Video: HUGO CHAVEZ IS DEAD

Mon, 11 Mar 2013 00:18:53 -0400

March 11, 2013

Andrew R. Butler