August 28, 2012

Andrew Butler

NeiLance Armstrong has been an inspiration to me since I was just a boy. I am deeply saddened by the news this week. That he should die just after giving up his fight against doping charges doubles the tragedy. Are the allegations true? I don’t know, we may never know, but I choose to believe that he won the race. He won it for America. He was the first man to ride a bicycle faster than anyone else on the moon, the most decorated astronaut in cycling history.

A lot of folks are saying that the United States Anti-Doping in Space Agency doesn’t have the authority to strip Armstrong of his seven Tour de Moon titles, but their allegations that he only won those races through the use of illegal drugs may forever tarnish his reputation. It is shocking to think that Buzz Aldrin might have testified against him, had Armstrong agreed to the hearing before his death. That the Apollo 11 cycling team might have been partaking in a complex doping scheme is shocking. How could NASA keep something like this from public? No wonder their funding has been cut.

Most important is the loss of trust. What’s next? We learn that John Glen was doping when he set the world record for freestyle Earth orbiting? That Gabby “Curiosity” Douglas used steroids to stick her landing on Mars? That the Hubble Telescope is a machine?

Even if we some day confirm that the accusers are right, that the greatest cycling event in human history was faked on some Hollywood soundstage, the hopes and dreams it inspired are still real. May they push us ever onward towards the brilliant, Martian bike races of our future. Thanks NeiLance. 

August 2, 2012

Andrew Butler

I have a few issues with this summer’s tween hit “What Makes You Beautiful” from boy band One Direction, mostly with the refrain, which goes, “you don’t know you’re beautiful/that’s what makes you beautiful.” 

First off, YOU FOOL! WHY WOULD YOU TELL HER?!? NOW SHE KNOWS SHE IS BEAUTIFUL AND THUS CAN NO LONGER BE BEAUTIFUL WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?!

Secondly, a quick breakdown: One Direction’s proposal is not that a lack of self-awareness is creating beauty, but rather that if the subject is aware of her beauty (however it may have been created, be it by god, nature or science) then she can never truly be beautiful. Those are high standards. She’s gotta be really pretty AND too socially incompetent to ever understand how others perceive her AND can’t have enough self esteem to consider herself beautiful without regard to the perceptions of others OR she must be beautiful and unaware of the concept of beauty entirely, which might imply a significantly lower than average level of mental development. That’s controversial stuff, One Direction. Bold move.

In terms of finding a soul-mate, or at least someone to make out with on class field trips to the aquarium, that’s a pretty tall order. I’m not sure that this choice is really serving you well, One Direction. Besides, there are other attributes that far more elegantly and accurately fit the equation, “you don’t know you’re X, that’s what makes you X.” Thus I proudly present my life’s greatest work to date:

Other Personal Attributes Created by Your Lack of Awareness of Said Attributes

You don’t know you’re an idiot, that’s what makes you an idiot.

You don’t know you’re (literally) an animal, that’s what makes you (literally) an animal. 

You don’t know you’re gullible, that’s what makes you gullible. 

You don’t know you’re slowly making everyone around you hate you with every word you say, that’s what makes you slowly make everyone around you hate you with every word you say. 

You don’t know you’re an embarrassment, that’s what makes you an embarrassment. 

You don’t know know you have amnesia that’s what makes you have amnesia.

You don’t know you sound desperate, that’s what makes you sound desperate. 

You don’t know you’re being exploited by record companies, that’s what makes you exploited by record companies.

July 17, 2012

Andrew Butler

I just read about this thing called “weed dating” that is happening in some places in the US. Not that kind of weed. It’s essentially speed dating but instead of happening in, like, a room, or wherever awkward things normally happen, people have a series of short interactions while pulling weeds on a farm. 

THIS IS THE BEST IDEA EVER. Not for the people pulling weeds. I’m sure they’re happy or whatever. They’ve already dated all the cute people at work and will do what it takes to connect with another human being. It’s THE BEST IDEA EVER for the farmers who had it. It seems so obvious now: People who are 

A.) lonely and 

B.) out of easy options

will do WHATEVER YOU WANT THEM TO if it means they might not have to sleep alone anymore. 

Only problem is, I don’t have a farm, so I can’t really use the base model. Fortunately, the concept has many applications!

My new dating company that gives YOU the once in a lifetime opportunity to meet other singles while avoiding the awkward stodginess of normal speed dating. Try out some of my match-making speed dating alternatives and finally find happiness!

Dishes Dating - Meet other singles who don’t mind getting their hands wrinkly and find true love over a sink filled with my roommates’ unwashed dishes! That warm feeling isn’t just the hot water!

Feed Dating - Spoons are SO HEAVY. Meet other singles with a nurturing nature as you form a special bond and get to know each other taking turns hand feeding me!

Laundry Dating - Meet other singles who enjoy the simple things in life as you wash and fold the laundry of people who are paying me to get you to pay me to wash and fold their laundry. It’s a win-win-win! 

Sandwich Dating - I can eat a lot of sandwiches. And there are a LOT of singles who have a passion for making sandwiches, just like you! Get to know them as you take turns pairing up to make me sandwiches! 

Chauffeur Dating - What better way to get to know someone than by taking a romantic drive! To the location of my next rehearsal, or the class I teach in red hook. It takes forever to get there by public transit. (only singles with cars should apply)

Ikea Dating - Meet new people as you and a group of like-minded singles take a trip to Ikea to find me the perfect bed side table! Like a little one, preferably a navy blue sort of color. The ferry is so romantic!

Read Dating - Share my favorite bed time stories aloud with other singles who know how to read and have really soothing voices. It’ll put me to sleep, but it might just keep you up all night. 

So if you’re really serious about finding a serious relationship, or just having some “fun” while “meeting” new people, let me know which event you would like to attend in the comments section below. Don’t forget to include your contact info and any special skills that could make my life easier. Thanks!

July 5, 2012

Andrew Butler

Today on the PoliBlog, an exclusive interview between Barbara Walters and PoliSub member Andrew Butler about his recent box-office hit.

BW: Andrew, tell us, why have you been so quiet about this amazing accomplishment!?

AB: Well, Barbara, usually I don’t like to talk about my other projects on PoliSub’s site, but everyone kept bugging me to speak out about my recent experience working with Pixar so I finally caved. Hopefully, a lot of you have seen the new Pixar movie “Brave.”

BW: I never miss a Pixar film, they really work magic don’t they?

AB: They do. If you haven’t, you really should. It’s a beautiful movie and a beautifully told story. Pretty much nobody knows this, but I was actually so lucky as to have gotten to play the role of the central character of the film, Princess Merida. 

BW: How did that happen? 

AB: A number of years ago, it was ‘07 or ‘08, the creator of the project, Brenda Chapman, saw me out in Brooklyn’s Prospect Park. I just happened to be dallying with a toy bow and arrow that my good friend and former PoliSub cast mate Jabari Brisport had brought me from a trip to Guyana. Chapman says the moment she laid eyes on me the whole story just immediately took form in her mind.

BW: but the central character of the story is a young girl and you… 

AB: Are not. (both laugh) But across the park, at the right angle, she mistook me for a young woman. It actually happens a lot, with the long hair, kind of a slight frame. We spoke about Scotland and the lack of strong young female role models in animated features. The rest is history.

BW: but you didn’t voice the character.

AB: No no! I have a man’s voice, even if I look like a little girl. (laughs/cries) The character was voiced by the brilliant Kelly Macdonald, and most people mistakenly believe that the entirety of Pixar’s films are computer animated. Normally they are, but my Scottish roots and my flowing locks of curly red were simply not possible to create digitally. So they shot most of the movie on a green screen and then animated everything in around me. 

BW: That’s just incredible. I would never have guessed that Merida is being played by a male twenty-something. It’s a big risk for you as a performer. I’m tempted to say it was really brave of you. (both laugh) What was your favorite part?

AB: I’m gonna say that my favorite part was getting to finally break through the sexist status quo around princess stories, and really blow up the notion that the only way to live happily ever after is to meet prince charming. You’re enough, you have everything you need, you make your own fate, take the reins. I think that’s a huge message for girls (and boys!) to hear early in life. Except that boys hear it left right and center. I’m glad I could bring that sentiment to the female half of our future. Oh! And also the scene where the Queen puts me in that too-tight corset. That was a new one for me.  It was wildly uncomfortable, but I have to say, I did look really good. 

BW: Thanks Andrew, for the interview and for being a part of something so beautiful and, hopefully, so important. 

AB: Thank you Barbara. It’s really an honor. 

June 25, 2012

Andrew Butler

The Supreme Court just announced the brunt of its decision about Arizona’s controversial immigration law. Some actions the law required of law enforcement were deemed in contradiction with federal law, and others were not. Having read the list of items upheld vs overturned has led many Americans to ask, “What?” To make things clearer I have rewritten the basic results to describe how things are gonna go down in Arizona post Supreme Court ruling.

- Brown people with accents DO NOT have to obtain or carry around papers proving they aren’t one of those sneaky job-stealing Mexicans who penetrated the US border one dead white baby at a time. HOW WILL WE KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SUSPICIOUS BROWN PEOPLE WITH ACCENTS AND EVIL BROWN PEOPLE WITH ACCENTS? We will have trust them, even though they are BROWN AND HAVE ACCENTS.

- It will NOT be a state criminal offense for a brown person who has shat on the dignity of our great land by stepping foot on it without permission to attempt to survive in our superior country by mowing lawns, washing dishes, folding laundry, picking up heavy things, frying things, or other jobs only fit for brown people with accents or maybe college students if they studied something gay like theater or art. THESE EVIL TRESPASSERS’ GREATEST HOPE, TO MAKE AN HONEST LIVING DOING DIFFICULT WORK WHITE PEOPLE DON’T WANT, IS NOT PUNISHABLE BY LAW.

- Police are NOT allowed to arrest someone without a warrant if their only reason for arresting them is that the person in question is brownish with an accent, is named Juan, is eating a taco that is not from taco bell, doesn’t speak English, doesn’t own land, doesn’t cry during Pixar films, doesn’t know every word to Don McLean’s “American Pie” AND Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the USA,” has a squinty look about them, or knows what a tele novella is. THESE REASONS, THOUGH DAMNING SIGNS OF EVIL INTENT, ARE NOT REASON ENOUGH TO ARREST A PERSON IN THESE UNITED STATES. 

-If police are already questioning someone because they may have killed someone, stole something, trespassed, hurt someone or something, littered, driven under the influence, disrupted the peace, gathered without a permit, jaywalked, etc, they legally MUST (WHETHER THEY WANT TO OR NOT) question that person’s immigration status IF AND ONLY IF that person is named Jose, speaks with accent, is any discernible shade of brown, knows Spanish, is eating a burrito, likes soccer more than NASCAR, hasn’t been to the Olive Garden at least once this month, works in a kitchen or near a lawn, knows who Selena is, is unable to locate the nearest Starbucks, or seems to know an awful lot of people who fit the previous descriptions. IF THEY SEEM TO BE DOING ONE THING THAT IS ILLEGAL AND THEY ARE BROWN WITH AN ACCENT PROBABLY THEY THEY WADED THROUGH THE BLOOD OF AMERICAN VIRGINS TO REACH OUR HALLOWED LAND WITHOUT PERMISSION SO THE POLICE MUST QUESTION THEIR IMMIGRATION STATUS. (maybepolicewillenforcetinylawsasanexcusetocheckuponbrownpeoplewithaccents-thatwouldbetotallylegalstillandprobablyforthebestsincetheyarebrownand-mightbetryingtoconsumeourchildrenandtheirjobs)

I hope that cleared up the new rulings for everyone. I can’t wait to hear the ObamaCare ruling on Thursday! 

June 7, 2012

Andrew Butler

When I heard Carly Rae Jepsen’s hit single “Call Me Maybe” for the first time. My initial thought was, “what a cute song for a thirteen-year-old to have written!” Then I learned that Jepsen is 26. Maybe it’s that Canadian upbringing, but where I come from, exchanging phone numbers with someone you just met isn’t really that crazy. In fact, it’s pretty much standard if you ever want to speak to said person.

By writing cliched phrases like “this is crazy,” pop-music songwriters further a tween vocabulary of empty expressions and dumb phrases. To help these architects of the tweenage mind grasp the meaning of the words they use I have composed a list of alternate lyrics for Carly’s chorus describing scenarios that justify using the phrase “this is crazy.”

1.) I just met you, and this is crazy, but let’s have unprotected sex in the middle of this Starbucks. 

2.) I just met you, and this is crazy, but here’s my number, you are a 73 year old homeless man and I’m a 20 year old art history major.

3.) We have been married for twenty years, this is crazy, but here’s my number, why didn’t you have my number? 

4.) I just met you, and this is crazy, but president Obama is an android created by the evil wizards of the illuminati who send me messages hidden in each new episode of glee. 

5.) I haven’t met you, and this is crazy, but here’s my number, so call me maybe. 

6.) I just met you, and this is crazy, but here’s my social security number.

7.) I just met you, and this is crazy, but here’s a loaded shotgun, if they bite me, you have to blow my head off the moment it happens, if you hesitate you’ll loose your nerve and then you’ll be next, we have to escape here and find the other uninfected, if there are any… 

May 23, 2012

Andrew Butler

Some dude has a vial which he claims contains residue of Ronald Reagan’s blood, taken from the hospital where Reagan was treated after his attempted assassination by John Hinkley Jr. Said dude is auctioning off the vial. And people are bidding. The current highest bid is around $15,000.

Worth it? Totally. Here’s why:

Ten awesome things to do with Ronald Reagan’s blood:

1.) Use cloning technology to forge an army of Gippers, distribute to countries in need of fiscal leadership, watch world economy be saved/ruined depending on your evaluation of the Gipper’s  prowess.

2.) Add to cauldron of newt heads, eagle feathers and  placentas of mixed-race inner city children, and drink to gain complete control of Karl Rove.

3.) Use to pick up hot republican chicks.

4.) Trade for three vials of Bush Sr. blood, two vials of Clinton blood, a quarter vial of Lincoln blood, or 500 vials of Carter blood.

5.) Give to your level 7 wizard to increase his MP by 25%.

6.) Send Hinkley a photo of you and Jodie Foster with a note explaining that when she heard you had the Reagan blood she married you on the spot.

7.) Give to your first grade son for the BEST SHOW AND TELL EVER.

8.) Put on shelf next to van Gogh’s ear, Einstein’s last breath, and the Shroud of Turin.

9.) Killer bloody mary

10.) Sit around with it and feel SO SO INCREDIBLY  UNCOMFORTABLE.