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Articles tagged "bgoodman"

Open Letter From Beyoncé

Hello my royal subjects America,
Did you love my performance at the inauguration yesterday?
It was quite remarkable.  I. Looked. Stunning. 
My voice? Flawless.
It’s unclear how I became so perfect, but we must never question the work of God.
I hope you were just as moved as I was, by hearing by my rendition of The Star Spangled Banner.
I greatly connected to his song, being a star myself. 
For your pleasure I have posted my concert performance below.  Hopefully you have a bucket ready for the tears you will cry due to its unprecedented beauty.
Also, you may wonder who l’m looking at during the intro of the song. The answer? Baby Jesus. 
I dedicate this to all those swimming in mediocrity.  #basicbitches
Enjoy.
Sincerely,
President  Queen Angel Supernova  Beyoncé
 
 

 

Blue Ivy Kwanzaa

 Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the land
Twasnt a black person
Caring
Cuz they had other plans
For come the day after
The real party starts
Hennesey, Alize,
And Fried chicken a la carte
Nicki Minaj blaring loud
The Wiz draws a crowd
Harlem shake
And boogie down
Dance breaks
In Chi-town
Blue Ivy Carter
Saving the Black race
Sorry Sasha and Malia
You been replaced
All us Blacks are meeting at the Apollo
Livin it up
Ay YOLO
Keep it cute
And a little hood
Dont nobody shoot
For seven days its all good
Lighters up
Remembering Africa
Glasses full
We celebratin Kwanzaa*
 
*They don’t celebrate Kwanzaa in Africa.  They don’t even know what it is. What is Kwanzaa? What is it’s purpose? I’ll never tell. # blacksecrets
 
 

Rihanna to Star in New Lifetime Movie with Chris Brown

Hey Errybody!
My name is Latrell Lavene Lebron Lucious Lacrosse Latavier Lactaid Jackson and you be readin my very special blog post, “Dumb Shit Black People Do That Set the Black Race Back 40 years.”
 
Today we discussing the tatoo Rihanna allegedly got to symbolize her love for Chris Brown.
 
Hol up, hol up, holll UP!
Yes Chris and Rihanna is back together! Da fuck?!
First of all Rihanna i hope ur tatoo is a picture of a turd cuz ya’lls love is shit.
 
Second of all watching ya’lls ignant ass relationship is like watchin a bad episode of the real housewives of nigga county.
 
Finally when i tried to figure out why u would get back with a man who beat da mess outta u, i came one conclusion… u dumb as shit! So let latrell educate u, cuz i done seent a lota Lifetime movies so i know dis fool will hit u again. but this time u’ll be prepared with a pistol and a bat, and when he come at u.. shoot his dick off and use it as a baseball. Then lean in real close and say… Oh Hell Na Na
 
Boof boof boof boof
 
You have been reading “Dumb Shit Black People Do That Set the Black Race Back 40 years.”
 
 
Come see Political Subversities LIVE at Ars Nova this Wednesday or Thursday! Ticket and info here.
 

B REAL - A Letter to Barack

Mr. President
I’m so proud of you
By your victory speech
I was truly moved
United we stand
In our promise land
Proud to be 
An American
And now that you’re
President again…
CAN WE TALK FA REAL?!
 
Twenty women in the Senate is a record? Aren’t there like 100 seats, and hasn’t senate been around for over two centuries? Is that a record or an insult?
Why are immigrants treated like shit? Isn’t this country built by immigrants?
How come I live in a blue state—and liberal as fuck state—and I still can’t catch a taxi?
Are you really the first BLACK President? OR are you the first HALF-Black President? Be REAL!
Are we really as progressive a nation as we claim to be, or are we frontin like a mu’fucka?
 
Sincerely ,
A VERY Proud American

The Opulent Negro’s Guide to Hurricane Survival

 

So there’s a hurricane coming. What do you do?

Pack evacuation bags. Yes as in plural, and make sure that they’re Prada or Louis Vuitton, so that if you get stranded, it’ll make police and firemen know you’re rich (or at least think) and they’ll save you first.
 
NOTE: In a natural disaster, Louis Vuitton trash bags are acceptable.
 
 
Now what should go in these bags?
 2 casual outfits for lounging.
 
 
 
2 dressy outfits for those after the storm parties.
 

 
And accessories so you can dress each outfit up or down. Preferably black and gold accessories. 
 
 
A hurricane is no excuse not to be #opulent
20 headshots and resumes, comedic and dramatic.
 
This one says, negro in his twenties, survived a storm, and made a decision to back to school and get his life back together. #DEVRY
 
This one says, negro in his twenties, destroyed by the storm, and what will you do to help? #FEMA
 
Listen, ya know somebody is already writing a screenplay about this whole affair, and a power outage is no excuse not to submit.  
 
Oh and most importantly 4 pairs of clean underwear in case you shit yourself when the hurricane tears the entire facade of your building off.
 
 
#heysandy #thanks

Solidarity With Amanda Bynes

Dear Cast of Political Subversities,
 
I’ve heard the rumblings, the insults, I’ve seen your judgmental stares when her name gets brought up, and it needs to stop right now! Contrary to popular belief it wasn’t Morgan Freeman that inspired me to become an actor, it was Amanda Bynes’ portrayal of Ashley on SNICK’s “All That”. As a little black boy in Queens, when Amanda Bynes graced my television screen for the first time one special Saturday night in the early nineties, I said to myself, “Damn. I want to be a white girl too.” Amanda deserves unwavering respect and reverence from all of us, and until you give it to her I too will speak to inanimate objects, smoke crack in my car, lock myself in dressing rooms or bathrooms of local bakeries for hours while firefighters threaten to break down the door, and I’ll get into at least 3 parked car accidents a week. I too will follow in the footsteps of Lindsay Lohan, in a desperate attempt to break away from my mediocre childhood success in hopes of becoming a “real actress”.  I stand with Amanda Bynes, and I will not rest until you all recognize her for the lackluster, half ass, bland, boring, not even close to being a tour de force entertainer, that she is!
 
Sincerely,
BGOODMAN

American Students Better Be Getting That GOOD Education

So as you know the teachers in Chicago are on strike and some people are in support of this, and some are not.  Quite honestly I think that all of us as Americans need to be on strike, because the education system in our country is fucked up.  Our kids are learning based on how much money their school has, and not based on the simple fact that they are in America, and deserve the best education our country has to offer.

It makes no sense to me that because a student goes to school in a poorer neighborhood they may not learn their ABCs or 123s as well as someone in a bougie neighborhood.  It makes no sense that they may not have a physical education or music class, or may not have a school library.  America, education is how we create leaders.  And all of our children deserve to be properly educated.  Key word: properly. 

GOP vice presendital nominee Paul Ryan issued a statement showing his support for  Mayor Emanuel of Chicago saying, “Mayor Emanuel is right today in saying that this teacher’s union strike is unnecessary and wrong.”

What’s wrong is classrooms not having enough desks to accommodate the influx of students.

GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney released a statement saying “I am disappointed by the decision of the Chicago Teachers Union to turn its back on not only a city negotiating in good faith but also the hundreds of thousands of children relying on the city’s public schools to provide them a safe place to receive a strong education […] Teachers unions have too often made plain that their interests conflict with those of our children.”

Their interests do not conflict with those of our children, in fact they’re probably more aligned!  Too many parents are more worried about having a place their kid can go when they’re at work, than diligently making sure that the place they’re sending their kid is successfully providing them with the tools their child needs to not just survive but thrive in our country.

What many of my government officials fail to acknowledge is that teachers in public schools, especially ones in poor neighborhoods tend to be more than teachers. Say it like it is. Many of the  kids being bussed in come from  dysfunctional home lives, so their teachers humbly take on the role of parent, babysitter, and therapist so that these kids stand a fighting chance of not becoming another statistic in some of our other systems.  Like prison.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think it’s fair that schools can seem to get new metal detectors, but history textbooks don’t mention the last three presidents and teachers cannot be expected to provide strong educations for our students when the textbooks they’re forced to teach from are out of date. 

America, we can do better than this. And I commend these teachers for acknowledging that. They are not the villains—they are the heroes, brave enough to stand up and say NO!  If we’re going to do this, we’re going to do this right. If kids are going to come to us to be educated, they will be in decent size classrooms, have materials they need on day one, and have access to the same resources any other American child has.

I don’t know about you, but I want to know, that if I put my child in the public school system, he better be learning more than ANYONE else because his school is governed by my state and country!

Black Men Finally Allowed on Daytime TV

So, no one is really making a big deal about this, but I will!
 
BLACK PEOPLE   MEN ARE ON THE COME UP! 
Yes yes ya’ll!
The demographic once only fit to play, thugs and rapists on Law and Order, or coons  coons on anything Tyler Perry, have made their way to DAYTIME TELEVISION!!
 
If you flip over to ABC at 9AM you will find Michael Strahan as the permanent replacement for Regis Philbin. Now, it’s KELLY and MICHAEL!
 
 
If you flip a few channels forward later in the evening, you’ll find that Terrence J, once the host of BET’s 106 and Park, is replacing Ryan Seacrest on E! News.  
 

BLACK MEN REPLACING WHITE PEOPLE MEN?!!  
 
THIS IS HUGE!! 
 
Like 9 inches HUGE!
 
I haven’t seen anything this exciting since Obama replaced Bush.
 
 
 
I’m SO excited that these networks are finally recognizing that apart from drug dealing, stealing, rape and Jim Crowing, black men can also enhance your television programming, and even boost your ratings that I’m willing to overlook the fact that it took you until 2012 to figure that out.  
 
#sad
 
p.s. Michael Strahan’s premiere on Tuesday received a 29% increase in ratings. #blackmenrock
 
 

Legitimately Awesome!

I have saved the justice department a ton of money in the past few days. How, you ask?
Well recently, Missouri Senator Todd Akin said in reference to woman getting pregnant when raped, 

“It seems to me, from what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare…If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”
 
It got me thinking, if there is such a thing as “legitimate” rape and “illegitimate” rape, then surely there must be other crimes or injustices that can be warranted as “legitimate” or not.
 
On Sunday my friend Jay was mugged, and got his phone stolen. He wanted to go to the police station, but I asked him to consider if the robbery was a “legitimate” or “illegitimate” one. Maybe if he didn’t have a phone, he wouldn’t have been mugged.  Therefore it’s his fault, and there is no reason to go to the police.
 
On Monday, my friend Geneva went to the store, but the owner wouldn’t sell her anything because Geneva’s a Muslim.  She wanted to go to the police to report “discrimination”.  But I wasn’t quite sure this was legitimate discrimination. After all, she is Muslim. That’s not the owner’s fault, it’s hers.
 
I gotta tell you, Todd Akin, is helping this country save a ton of money with us now being able to identify the difference between “legitimate” and “illegitimate” crimes.  I’m thinking we may have to release a lot of murderers from jail because it’s not their fault that their victims were in the wrong place at the wrong time.  
 
Thanks Todd!
 
 
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BLACK PEOPLE NEEDED ON NETWORK STAFF

This commercial aired following Gabrielle Douglas winning the gold medal in gymnastics.  

Watch and then we’ll talk.

Many folks are labeling the commercial as racist, but clearly it was made before Gabby won the gold, and the monkey was not intended to be a representation of her (I hope).

That being said, it does make me think this is exactly why network television needs more black people on staff.  A black person could have taken one look at that ad and said, “DON’T AIR THAT!”  or “PUT THE ACTIVIA COMMERCIAL ON FIRST!!!”  or “RETAPE THAT SHIT WITH A DUCK!”.  But instead, some fool said, “GET READY TO AIR THE MONKEY AD in 5,4,3,2…”. 

Though some extremists might call me naive, I’m going to go ahead and say, this was not a result of racism, but just a poor coincidence (I hope). (I pray).