June 2, 2012

nicHi douglas

Well, laaa deee daaahhh.  Facebook went public.  What an exciting prospect for all of us quick-thinking, entrepreneurial, financial savants!  But I wonder: who among us regular Joe’s purchased the well-priced stock? “A mere $38?  Let me call my broker!” might have been a statement to shout.  Not I, however. I shouted nothing.  I haven’t the means to purchase “another round,” let alone stock in Facebook. Who among us regular Joe’s can explain NASDAQ, or even tell us what those letters stand for?  Not I.  But I don’t have to be a money-man to know that the financial geniuses behind Facebook’s public stock debut weren’t such geniuses after all.  Because that mere $38 I fawned over earlier is now (as of Tuesday) an even more slight $28.  And if my middle school stock exchange project taught me anything, “dropping” and “low” are not good words in the “market.”

But don’t worry, Mark Zuckerberg!  The market is shifty! Andthere are still plenty of things that are lower than your sad, measly, $79 billion company shares.

10 THINGS LOWER THAN FACEBOOK’S PUBLIC SHARES:

1.  James Earl Jones’ voice in the morning 

2.  A limbo stick at a gymnast’s birthday party 

3.  The amount of income necessary to qualify for the Harlem River Housing projects 

4.  A group of black people dancing at that part in the “Cha-Cha Slide” 

5.  My ears after I tied them in a knot and I tied them in bow

6.  Cee “Lo” Green in a basement 

7.  My spirit after discovering not one but several Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup wrappers in my bed sheets 

8.  The amount of carbs in Jessica Simpson’s new pre-wedding diet 

9.   A pair of jeans on a gangsta midget

10.  The likelihood that any average person anywhere will ever taste the benefits of Facebook going public.

11.  My panties when I catch a glimpse of this fresh face.