February 7, 2013

Briana James

After days of investigative investigating by PoliSub’s Investigative Investigations Team, we finally got answers about the Super Bowl blackout. One of the many wardrobe assistants for the Super Bowl, who has chosen to identify herself as Shirley, gave us the inside scoop on the power outage. See below.

“So I was like backstage and everyone was there and I was like kinda doing work but mostly listening to the conversation and Beyoncé was like “So you bitches ready?” And Alicia was like, “For what?” And Beyoncé was like, “For me! Duh. I’m bringin it bitches!“ So Jennifer goes, “Oh you mean like that time at the Oscars…when I won-?” And then Beyoncé was like really quiet and then Alicia goes, “Probably gonna lip sync again.” And then outta nowhere Beyoncé like lost it and punched Alicia like for real punched her in the face and then Alicia got all rah-rah like all angry and shit and all like omg and she started screaming for security and then security ran in— like five of them— yeah! That shit was cray. And then they were like asking what happened and Alicia was like, “Oh my freakin’ god she punched me!” And then security was like, “Oh.” And then they left because like they can’t do anything to Beyoncé though like no one can and then Beyoncé left too. 

And Alicia was so serious about like getting back at Beyoncé and then she went to Michelle because Michelle is like you know like in the shadows and tired of that and like she was already mad that Beyoncé was going to dismiss her from the stage before the finale you know like only give her a few minutes onstage so they figured out that Michelle could pull the plugs in the power room because all the power was under the stage and Michelle was under there for rehearsal and had to like come onstage from underneath so she knew. So after Michelle got dismissed from the stage by Beyoncé she went down under the stage again and she was like planning to ruin the finale and she pulled the plug on the power in the stadium but she was like two seconds too late… so Beyoncé got her finale and Alicia was like “Dang michelle…dang.”

January 29, 2013

Andrew R. Butler

I read today that the White House is going to go ahead with the nomination of Gen. Allen as Europe’s NATO commander since the Pentagon cleared him of any misconduct in the General Petraeus scandal. Honestly, I had forgotten that Allen existed. I don’t have cable at the moment so I haven’t seen a rerun of Home Improvement in ages, nor the nightly news, but I feel strongly that Allen is the wrong choice for NATO commander. Here’s why Congress should not approve his nomination:

1.) Too much plastic surgery. The article I saw was paired with this photo:

Why did Allen change his appearance so much? He used to look like this:

WHAT GIVES, ALLEN? He doesn’t even look younger. Can we trust someone who makes these sorts of decisions?

2.) Almost certainly not a real general. Name me ONE OTHER GENERAL who has had a successful career as an actor, comedian and voice-over artist? YOU CAN’T. I think Allen is awesome, but I have a hard time believing he’s a real general.

 3.) He’s a total klutz. Have you SEEN Home Improvement? Do you really want someone that disaster prone running NATO in Europe? NO.

4.) Allen is THE SANTA CLAUSE. You can’t put The Santa Clause in a uniform! It will ruin the spirit of the holidays. What will come of this!?! The Santa Clause 4: The War on Christmas?!!??

OK, I will admit that Buzz Lightyear seems like a decent candidate. He’s got strategy and gusto and those wings that pop out. But honestly, if someone is holding a position of that much power, wouldn’t we all rather it be Tom Hanks?

Now THAT’S what I call a commander of NATO forces in Europe! 

January 16, 2013

Matthew Robert Gehring

Dear Mr. Tarantino,

I had the pleasure of watching your movie Django: Unchained last evening.  It was thrilling, emotional and (dare I say) educational.

As a white 26-year old from the vast Midwest, I have always been curious about the black struggle in the 17th, 18th and 19th centuries.   And now, through the magic of your movie Django: Unchained I have learned more than I bargained for.  Especially the N-word.  In fact, here’s a list of things I learned:

1)    German people sometimes don’t sound so German!

2)    I can say the N-word, too!

3)    Snowmen can make you a really good shooter!

4)    The N-word isn’t that big a deal to say!

5)    Ku Klux Klan members can and will be funny!

6)    If someone kills your friend, sell them to Australians!

7)    The N-word can be said by white people, now!

So in honor of Django: Unchained, I will now use the N-word in my post.  

Nutsack. 

Remember that one scene where he’s tied up and hanging upside down?  Yeah, that’s the N-word I’m talking about.  Which one did you think?

November 29, 2012

Todd Dakotah Briscoe

Editor’s Note:  Todd watched “Liz and Dick” and visited Guy’s American Kitchen and Bar in the same day.  Apparently, the combination affected parts of his brain and as far as Todd can recall, they are the exact same thing.  Here is Todd’s review of the restaurant/Lifetime movie “Liz and Dick and Guy’s American Kitchen and Bar.”

Over the past four years, Lindsay Lohan has mainly been known for her run-ins with the tabloids, numerous arrests and iconic bleached spikes.  She’s been in and out of courts and championing traditional American diner food.  Critics and fans alike have been eagerly awaiting her return to Times Square: Television for Women with the new project “Liz and Dick and Guy’s American Kitchen and Bar.”

Recently a New York Times review ravaging the new biopic went viral with a review that was entirely comprised of rhetorical questions such as, “Were you struck by how very far from awesome the Awesome Pretzel Chicken Tenders are?  Are you aware of the irony of I Know Who Killed Me partially killed your career?” 

One does feel sorry for Ms. Lohan as growing up too early is a harsh reality of child actors in Flavortown, especially since she was under the dubious influence of her now infamous parents, Michael Lohan and Morgan’s Chop-Chop (a salad).  Certainly she had high hopes riding on this new 19,000 square real estate next door to the Harry Potter Exhibit.  One wonders if former co-star Meryl Streep had any cooking tips. 

Of course Ms. Lohan’s co-star, Guy Fieri, gives an excellent impression of Richard Burton.  Mr. Fieri’s British accent, suave good looks and Funkin Punkin ale seem to be in a completely different film.  Speaking of accents, Ms. Lohan as a plate of Malibu Oysters speaks of missing her childhood in England with a Long Island accent and I’m still waiting on my order of Dragon’s Breath Chili. 

While the film does offer a great insight into a classic Hollywood relationship topped with Unyawns, Ms. Lohan’s preferred spelling of “onions,” by the fourth time that she throws a bottle of Donkey Sauce against a mirror while screaming about her fame, you simply feel sadness for Ms. Lohan’s career, though I did like the margaritas.

The supporting cast including Charles Shaughnessy, Creed Bratton and General Tso’s Pork Shank, do their best to elevate the movie, but the wait staff seems to know that this is not a real restaurant.

Yet with all of Ms. Lohan’s fright wigs topped with a Rojo Ring, surely we all knew what we were getting.  Did anyone ever say this restaurant was any other kind of film than it is?

…

Come check out Political Subversities live December 12th & 13th at ARS NOVA! Get your tickets in advance HERE.

November 8, 2012

Greg T. Gordon - Guest Writer

James Bond. 007. Spy.

Charming, sexy, and fearless.

Or at least that’s what they want you to think.

But what if I told you that James Bond was not heroic, not the coolest guy at the bar,
not the sex icon that we all think he is? I’ve gone through the Bond movies and have
come to a disturbing conclusion. In actuality, James Bond is:

In actuality, James Bond is:

1. A 12 YEAR OLD. In The World is not Enough, Bond uses a pair of x-ray glasses
to see under the dresses of pretty women at a casino. I’m pretty sure Q made
those to detect hidden weapons, not to check out sweater meat.

2. CLUMSY. Poor, poor Q. Bond has no respect for the tech mastermind
who creates all of his state of the art gadgets. How does Bond show Q his
gratitude for these life saving devices? By repeatedly breaking, blowing up,
and destroying each of them.

3. NOT FUNNY. His use of puns and innuendos are bad enough to even make
your Uncle Vinny cringe.

4. RACIST. In You Only Live Twice, James Bond (played by Sean Connery) has
his physical appearance altered to look Japanese. What he actually does is
pull his face back, squint his eyes, wear a kimono, and insult everyone in
Japan.

5. YOUR FRIEND WHO HITS ON EVERY WAITRESS AT CHILI’S. He has sex with
whoever…his partner, his enemy, his doctor, a stranger. He doesn’t care.

6. CARELESS. There’s got to be hundreds of innocent people that have been
killed because of Bond. He destroys entire buildings by putting cars through
them, blows up buildings that are near other buildings. What if the bad guy’s
headquarters just HAPPENS to be next to a women’s shelter? A children’s
hospital? That’s a dick move, James.

7. LUCKY. He’s lucky that he doesn’t have every STD known to man. He’s also
fortunate that he doesn’t have to cart around any James juniors with him on
his missions, because I am sure he has at least 7 around the world.

Will the latest installment, Skyfall, follow suit?