September 28, 2012

Emma Tattenbaum-Fine

The Chinese workers that make your Apple products have started rioting. The factory workers of Taiyuan, China finally looked at the phones they were making, pressed “on”,  got some wifi, and found out the Big Secret… that EVERYONE is having more fun than they are.

It’s been a long held belief by the workers of the Han Hoi Precision Industry’s Taiyuan-based factory, which employs 79,000 Chinese twenty-somethings, that all the people the world over were having an equally miserable time, but it turns out NOT to be so.  It was just them… all along.

The attitude was always—meh—another day, another 12 hours of gluing silicon to another piece of silicon, but horizons are broadening. 

It all began with a dormitory dispute.  One worker said, hey, this sucks: being away from my family, getting paid almost nothing and having zero fun EVER.  And he was so mad that he drunkenly pushed another guy and that guy realized his life sucked, too and that’s how the riots began.  A bunch of young Chinese people realized that the people inside their phones were having more fun than they were AND getting paid more to have it.  Also, guards were beating them as they realized this and that intensified the epiphany. 

The Chinese workers have caught on.  

The party’s over.  Get ready to pay more for your stuff.  And if you don’t like it, glue your own silicon to another piece of silicon, ‘cause it’s no fun and no one wants to do it for you.

So while you’re “rioting” over your iPhone 5, know that you’re in good company.

July 27, 2012

nicHi douglas

Chinese citizen Fei Lin had his penis severed and stolen. Political Subversities located the missing member to bring you the penis’ side of the story in his own words.

It was late.  Fei had fallen asleep and so had I.  I laid my head to rest in the fine but multitudinous thicket of hair I call home.  Life in my Niqiao village, in between the pale, pale thighs of a middle-aged Asian man, was easy.  Or so I thought.  Suddenly, Fei was up and moving, being pushed this way and that.  And then I was viciously exposed, without any warning or provocation.  I’m used to a gentle tugging, at least, and being called upon by my Chinese name, Hen xiao-Dan jilie (meaning “tiny but fierce”).  I was offered none of these niceties, as a frail masked man leaned in toward me with a glimmering dagger and a million dollar smile.  I wriggled and writhed about; I wasn’t about to go down without a fight.  I went limp, hard, limp, hard; I tried everything to thwart the villain’s plans.  Yet, it was all to no avail.  I was sliced cleanly off. 

I couldn’t believe that Fei didn’t panic or scream, until the bandit had stolen me away about 30 yards. That’s when I heard Fei yell out in agony.  I screamed out, too, and the thief almost dropped me from the moisture.  Later, out of Fei’s ear shot, I was placed in an icy chamber.  At first I was shocked, still traumatized from the hasty and violent separation.  But then my anatomy acclimated to the temperature and I found myself quite relaxed.  I am ashamed to say it, but I enjoyed the cool.  Because, you know … the balls.  They are so hot. 

Life here has been strange, to say the least.  I live in an ice cold, oxygenated, apothecary jar now.  And here I sit, accompanied by no one, on a shelf, in a room, occupied by absolutely nothing else.  With nothing to do, and no one’s attention to gain, I am left to ponder the criminal’s motive.  But I’ve always shot blanks, so each idea is less useful than the last.  All I can wonder is WHY?

What would Justin Bieber want with an Asian penis?

…

Enjoy nicHi’s penis parable? Check her out in Political Subversities’ live show every Saturday, 9:30 in NYC! Click HERE for tickets!

March 30, 2012

Kim Blanck

Hi, Kimberly. It’s your mom.

How’s going? Having good day? Is it hot in New York? It’s starting to get hot over here. But, good news! My tomato are starting to grow in my backyard! They are very small and green, but growing a little each day. I love tomato.

You know, I call you because I just read article on CNN.com. You have to eat healthy. CNN.com says that most takeout food is very bad. I know you are busy. But you have to make time and save money to eat healthy. No pizza. I know you like pizza but no pizza. Try to be like me. See, I love tomato! No candies. I know you like candy but you have bad teeth. Try to drink less coffee. Your teeth are a little yellow, you know. Don’t feel bad. I’m just reminding you.

Do you use that slow cooker I bought for you? Try to use more often. You can make enough soup to last the entire week. Why don’t you go to Chinatown and buy some red beans? You can make a red bean soup. Chop some carrots, sweet potato, cilantro. Mix with lentils. Makes very good soup. You can eat it for dinner. No bread. Bread is not very good for you. Also, no soda. Bad for your teeth.

What are you eating? Are you eating something right now? I thought I heard something.

Anyway. You want to make sure you keep your weight down. If you don’t keep weight down it will cause many problems for you later in life. I know you think I nag you, but I am your mother. I am just trying to remind you.

Okay, so. Enjoy rest of your day. Have good Political Subversity show. I am very proud of you. Love you. Bye-bye. Remember to use Crest Whitestrips I gave you for Christmas. Love you. Bye-bye. Love you.

——-

Kim’s Mom is a scientist based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Born in China and raised in Taiwan, she is an avid gardener of many fruits and vegetables, but her favorite things to grow are persimmons. She has very beautiful teeth and has never needed braces or Crest Whitestrips.

March 27, 2012

Andrew Butler

Amnesty International just released their yearly country-by-country report on government executions and after reading it, quite frankly, I am disgusted to be an American.

On the list of countries that execute the largest number of their citizens, we’re in 5^th place. FIFTH. We should be number ONE. You know what color medal the person in fifth place gets? A failure colored medal, that’s what color. WE ARE LOSING THE INTERNATIONAL EXECUTION RACE. And guess who’s winning: CHINA. Just like they’re winning at everything. Smart kids? CHINA. Manufacturing? CHINA. Executions? CHINA! And Amnesty International thinks they probably carried out a bunch more executions that they just didn’t bother to report! Cocky bastards.

Sure, we’re beating Yemen, we’re beating Somalia, we’re beating North Korea, but those are bullshit little countries that probably just can’t afford to be killing off what few citizens haven’t died of curable diseases, hunger, and pirates. 

You know who else we’re losing to? Saudi Arabia, Iraq and Iran. JUST EMBARASSING. Sure, we could try to claim that Iraq is following in our footsteps: establish representative government, have those representatives kill people on our behalf, etc etc, but deep down we know they’re just better at it than we are. Maybe it’s all the oil over there? That could also explain why Texas is so darn good at executing people (30% of our executions happen in the Lone Star State. Good work Texas!).

Look. It’s not hopeless. We ARE good at this. SO GOOD in fact, that all the other Western countries have given up on executing people. LOSERS! The playing field is tighter than it’s ever been, down 10% to just 20 countries who carried out executions last year, but the total number of world wide executions rose 28%, so now that we’ve separated the men from the men-who-don’t-want-to-kill-other-men, the game is really afoot. 

Can we keep up? A healthy 34 U.S. States have the death penalty, but only 78 prisoners received death sentences last year. I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t pay my taxes every year for them to get used on not-killing my fellow countrymen. We need to step up our game in 2012. This is our year. Call your Congressman! Let’s put some Americans to death!