Articles tagged "congress"
April 1, 2013
Political SubversitiesThe awesome folks at Comediva are presenting our big (yet short) new music video! CHECK IT OUT!
AND we filmed this behind-the-scenes PoliSub Talks with some advice from the company about what YOU should do with YOUR vagina!
Enjoy and share! Certainly you know SOMEONE with a vagina? We, in fact, know several.
March 22, 2013
David McGee - Guest Writer
December 31, 2012
Jerry Polner - Guest WriterToday the leadership of both the House of Representatives and the Senate announced jointly
that it had solved the problem of the budget sequester, which would have mandated huge cuts
in spending on defense, Medicare, and a bunch of other stuff that they couldn’t read about
because they’re old and the print is too small.
“Originally, this was a bill to reverse Daylight Savings Time,” said Senate Republican Leader
Mitch McConnell. “A lot of people were complaining to us that the time change was wreaking
havoc with their TiVo and they were really suffering. So we knew we had to take strong action.”
It was at that point that Congress realized that if it could set the time back by one hour, there
was no reason to stop there. “And that’s when we came up with a great idea,” said Senate
Majority Leader Harry Reid. “Why not just make it 2011 again. That way, we have another two
years before we have to deal with the fiscal cliff or the sequester or the debt ceiling or any of
that stuff. So we can just quibble about it some more, hold more press conferences, and avoid
doing anything, which is what we really enjoy doing.”
According to the terms of the agreement, all of the 2012 election results will still hold, but
Hurricane Sandy will be erased, and Beyonce will have another chance to beat out Taylor Swift
for the Grammy. “It’s not a perfect deal,” said Democratic House Leader Nancy Pelosi, “But it
makes me two years younger, so what the hell.”
Speaker John Boehner got the last word, noting, “It’s just like I’ve been saying all along. Our
problem is not that we don’t have enough revenue. Our problem is that we don’t know how to
tell time.”
…
Jerry Polner is a writer of sketches, parodies, and stage plays. His script FIX NUMBER SIX, was chosen by the Boomerang Theatre Company to be presented as part of its First Flight reading series, and it was recently published by Next Stage Press. Jerry’s short plays FLORENCE FAREWELL, GONE WITH THE MASHA, THANK YOU FOR APPLYING, and SAUTE YOUR FACE were produced by the Brooklyn Playwrights Collective at the Manhattan Theatre Source, the Brecht Forum, the Greek Cultural Center, Under Minerva, the Williamsburg Art and History Center, and Galapogos Artspace. He has contributed to the McSweeney’s web site, and his play WEATHERMAN was published by Samuel French and has been performed by high school groups around the country. Jerry’s comedy sketch script “Fugitive Math Teachers” was one of the winning entries in Break Media’s Break.com Video Contest. Jerry’s web site, RadicalGags.com, is a political comedy sketch site for grassroots activists and people who should be.
March 13, 2012
Andrew ButlerI’ve been following the debate about women’s reproductive “rights,” and the conservative fight for our great nation to take seriously the evils of birth control. After very little deliberation, I’m convinced. Birth control (or as I now call it, baby-melting) is little more than murder. If you’re wasting potential egg/sperm combos you may as well be running around killing babies at random.
Which brings up the question of boners. What are boners, if not potential babies? And what are potential babies, if not actual babies? Therefore any man who gets a boner and subsequently fails to impregnate one or more women has killed (at least) one baby.
Certainly not every attempt at fulfilling god’s intention for boners is successful, but if a man was drowning in front of you and didn’t even try to save him, you would be guilty of his death. The reckless and heartless act of wasting a boner constitutes the exact same thing, and could be classifiable as manslaughter, negligent homicide, or even pre-meditated, cold-blooded murder (which is what I now call masturbating, unless you’re at a sperm bank.)
These are facts. But the liberals who run this country refuse to recognize the heinous crime of boner-wasting. That’s why I’m proposing a new bill to the great lawmakers of this country: No Boner Left Behind.
I envision an America in which every boner is able to live up to its full potential, and no innocent babies are snuffed out before they even have a chance to be conceived. Every baby is a miracle, so every boner is a miracle too. No Boner Left Behind would establish clear guidelines making every man responsible for his boners, and ensuring that no boner is ever allowed to die without fulfilling its god-given purpose. Accordingly, for the small-spirited men who summon boners but fail to do God’s work, the law would supply appropriate punishment. Probably death.
Please, please, please call your representative in Congress and ask, nay, demand that they give EVERY boner a chance. Tell them to sponsor my proposed bill: No Boner Left Behind.
We all started the same way. Boners are our past, and boners are our future.
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homepage photo credit: Lourdes Cristina
February 7, 2012
nicHi DouglasLet me preface this by saying that I don’t have anything against dogs. They’re sweet, loyal companions and have often proven to be more dependable than human friends. But, I’d smack a dog square in the jaw before I began to care more about its health than mine. Why on earth was the front page article of Healthy Living on Huffington Post dedicated to doggy health? I raced to HuffPost Healthy Living for tips on how to have a stress-free Valentine’s Day—because I’m single and that shit is haunting me. Instead, I was met with facts about canine oral hygiene.
Look, I love dogs. I raised a Seeing Eye dog. I have seen a dog’s capacity for fidelity and courageousness first-hand. However, I would shave a Sheepdog bare before I considered buying it a toothbrush instead of buying one for myself. You want me to brush a dog’s teeth? Buy special dental bones? Doggy dentures? Shop for Pet Insurance policies?
da FUCK? I don’t even have health insurance. As I lay myself to sleep each night, I pray that when I wake in the morning nothing is wrong with me, nothing that would require real medical attention. Because, in this country, physical weakness incurs fees upwards of $2,000. But it’s all quite simple. I know what would help me have some extra dough for my dog’s health concerns: Universal (human) Healthcare. Free. Care for you, care for me, no lines at the doctor’s office—I hate lines. With universal healthcare, I could pet my dog endlessly with no fear of carpel tunnel; cuz I could just get a brace for that wrist in the morning at the doctor’s office, free of charge! Now how’s that for love?!?
I know we’re supposed to pay it forward with dog’s because they’re “man’s best friend.” Here’s my best friend:
A human man. Let’s be our own human friends, America. Friends look out for each other’s health. At least, that’s what my dog told me.
dogs love Justin Bieber. it’s his puppy dog innocence … (and his wet nose)
September 18, 2011
Andrew Butler
Dear Diary,
I really hope that Obama’s jobs bill doesn’t pass.
That bitch Leslie Randal’s dad doesn’t have a job and that’s like, the only thing about Leslie that isn’t perfect. Besides being a stupid whore slut. Obvi. So if the jobs bill gets passed and there’s like, some major infrastructure work done in our city then he’ll probably get a job, and then what will I use to make myself feel better when I see her being smarter, prettier and more dating Greg Burke than I am.
Anyway it looks like maybe it won’t pass so easy because everyone in Congress is all like, ?WAAHH? Even though Barack is all ?No more division or delay.? So maybe I’ll be able to keep talking really loud about my dad’s job whenever she’s around.
Of course that stupid wannabe Megan Doorthurb is always sticking up for whore-Leslie. Just like those wrinkly Republicans that Dad likes. Shouting ?no closing corporate tax loopholes? cuz they all wanna hang out with CEOs so they can feel less bad about themselves and get lots of campaign money.
Leslie totally cheats on everything and Ms Farnklespark is always like, ?Leslie I’m going to move you if you don’t stop passing notes,? and Megan is all ?No! You can’t move Leslie because she didn’t do anything wrong? even though everyone knows she’s cheating.
Megan and Leslie should just go be lesbians together and get out of our class. They’re breaking the grading curve and I need to get A’s if I’m gonna get into a good private high school. Mom says the public school is gone to hell cause they can’t afford to hire decent teachers.
Maybe if the Jobs Bill passes Leslie’s dad will get a job in another state!! Then I could make Greg Burke be my boyfriend!! and that brown-noser Megan would be following me around instead of that stupid slut-monster Leslie!!!
Kim Blanck
