Did you hear about the drunk Florida woman who was arrested for calling 911 because she was lonely?

 

 

Can I admit something? When I was a little girl, I would call 911 just to make sure the phones were working! I’d always hang up after the first ring, and one time they actually called back!! That definitely stopped me from calling again. Maybe I was just lonely too… 

 

Ya know, I applaud her for her efforts. Some people do much worse things when they’re drunk and lonely - they jump into swimming pools and baths and drown, some drunk dial their ex boyfriends or girlfriends, and some sit in front of the TV and overeat while watching reruns of RHOA or KUWTK (If you don’t know what those abbreviations mean, you are not my friend. Stop reading this and go google that shit. NOW.)

 

…

 

Ah, to be a 9 year old little girl. Your biggest worry in life is whether your Mom will let you get a Happy Meal after school. Or if you can go to that sleepover on Friday night. Or what color to paint your nails. Or whether you should dot your i’s with hearts or stars.

 

Well, for Quvenzhané Wallis, she has bigger fish to fry. Like what type of puppy purse to bring to the Academy Awards. 

 

 

And making room for all these new celebrity friends.

 

 

 

And growing a thick skin for satirical jokes made on her behalf.

 

 

But fear not Hushpuppy, I’m sure Dakota Fanning and Emma Watson and The Olsen twins were all called Cunts when they first started out.

 

Oh… no? 

Good News LL Cool J! 

 

You may suck at hosting awards shows, but you’ve probably got a really big job coming up because, I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but there was this cop who was fired and had a vendetta against his old job so he wrote a really long angry letter and then rampaged across the Greater Los Angeles area shooting people, then hid in a Cabin in Big Bear and apparently rode out of the cabin in a horse (but that turned out to be a lie) and then the cops found him and set fire to the cabin he was hiding in and now he’s dead and now every major studio is trying to make the movie and you will probably be the lead in the movie cause you look just like the dude.

 

 

Congrats! 

 

 

There are some basic rules of society. Real basic.

 

Like, don’t give someone bed bugs.

Or, don’t cheat on your partner with their friend or family member.

Or, don’t eat someones yogurt or salad in the fridge at work.

And perhaps the most important - don’t hurt animals, pregnant ladies, the elderly, or children.

 

So when someone does anyone of these things, everyone feels it. It’s like an assault on humanity when you cause harm to those who are the most innocent and vulnerable.

 

Not only was Friday afternoon so horrible, but later that evening there were two more shootings in Vegas and Alabama, and two more on Sunday in Newport Beach and Texas. And just yesterday guns were seized in a planned attack on an elementary school in California. 

 

And this is why I am convinced that the end of the world is happening in 4 days. Absolutely. I mean, are maternity wards and animal shelters next?? The scum of this earth are rising to the top and we must prepare now. No, we should’ve started preparing yesterday.

 

NO. We should’ve already been prepared.

 

Ratchetness is at an all time high this week. Jay-Z’s proteges, Rihanna and Rita Ora have been blowing up Instagram and Twitter with their messy lives.

 

Before we delve into it, I shall point out that these two ladies are…

 

 

 

 

THE SAME PERSON??!!

 

But indeed, they are not. Just clones. 

 

Rita Ora (not to be confused with the frozen potato products “Ore Ida”) was dating Rob Kardashian until she allegedly cheated on him. With 20 dudes!

 

 

Oooo, the shade! Seems you can’t date a Kardashian without drama following. Also seems like the girls on Jay Z’s labels are a little “sex happy.” Just saying.

 

Now Rihanna, aka Robyn Fenty, has become like the bad little sister I never had. I immediately grew to love her after the Chris Brown assault. When she acts up, I feel it deeply.

 

Unfortunately, she has confirmed that she is now dating her ex assailant again (some would argue she never stopped dating him!)

 

 

 

She is a record labels dream and a therapists’ nightmare. Will we be burying her in 3 years? For the sake of historical pop collaborations with abusive ex-boyfriends, I hope not.

 

Obama got me fired up

Pimp rollin’, ballot stub

Votin line at 8 AM

Who’s it gonna be, us or them?

Waitin all day to get results

Feelin like a damn adult

Got my sticker n’ errrrything

F*** all the states that like to “swing”

9 pm, now we know

Hashtag FORWARD, no Jim Crow

Cause w/ Mitt, my ass would be a slave

No seriously, we’d practically all be slaves

Obama got me fired up

I feel like I’m on top of the world

All of a sudden I wanna fold clothes,

Roast a chicken, and throw dem bones

Obama got me fired up

I feel like I’m on top of the world

If he can do it, so can I

Thanks for the Hope

Love, Generation Y

Dear Jessica Biel (now Timberlake),

 

I hope you had a great wedding day. I hope you danced to the 98 Degrees song “Give Me Just One Night (Una Noche)”. I hope your ripped abs enjoyed the 600-calorie buttercream frosting from your 10-tiered wedding cake. I hope your feet hurt from so much dancing with your new husband.

 

But just know - you have inherited an entire generation worth of enemies. Girls ranging from 18-28 now DESPISE you and your new last name. Many of these girls wish you a very short marriage, one filled with People Magazine worthy scandal and betrayal. We hope your uterus is dry and cave-like, unable to produce an heir to the Timberlake fortune. 

 

I am among those girls. If you even THINK of hurting our beloved JT, you’re out of here. 

 

Sincerely,

 

Tweens, Adolescents, Britney Spears, Cameron Diaz, and Twenty-Something Females all across the world

It’s been 7 months since the birth of Blue Ivy Carter and recently Queen B has posted a few nice photos on her website of her family. 

 

But we have not really seen photos of this baby’s face, just her dangling feet or the back of her head. 

 

 

Which means one of the following is true:

 

The baby is ugly and Beyonce feels ashamed. She simply can’t let us see that baby’s face.

 

That baby is a blow up doll and the Knowles-Carter clan is still trying to figure out how to break the news to us.

 

I dunno, you decide for yourself. Ugly baby or blow up doll - it’s a toss up.

 

…