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A Nearly Exhaustive List of Commentary You’ll Hear About The Lift on the Female Combat Ban

America has made a huge leap towards realizing equality by giving women the option of fighting on the front lines of our military. While many rational people can see why this might be just fine, here’s what you can expect from those who hate everything progressive or different from 1899:

This is Obama’s Fault!: Stop expecting a follow up to this comment. It is never followed up and is applicable to anything from Fiscal Cliffs to losing a parking space.

Imagine It’s Your Wife/Daughter/Cousin/Girlfriend: Yeah, it’s pretty difficult to imagine—almost as hard to imagine as if it were your Husband/Son/Cousin/Boyfriend! But seriously, watch an episode of Army Wives and then get back to me. Last time I checked, war was unfortunate no matter who was fighting it.

We’re gonna lose all the wars!: Women are tiny! They’re almost smaller than children! Why would you ever punish such delicate creatures by giving them the option to fight?! They can’t win! That’s right, regardless of their own physical abilities, or the fact that Hillary was a very successful Secretary of State, apparently letting women participate in combat means those high powered video game assault weapons are being replaced with Nerf™ guns. Gotta read that fine print better…

Women be emotional be!!!: Women don’t have the discerning capabilities that men do—especially during that time of the month!! What if she runs out of Motrin™? She’s likely to go full Rambo and just kill everybody that stands between her and a chocolate bar or the latest episode ofScandal!

Economy!!: At this point, the lift on the female combat ban will cause opponents to lose their ability to finish sentences. You can assume this means that this new legislation will cost more money—But employing people helps the economy…right? So I’m not sure where they’re going with this, but you’ll hear it.

Make Me a Sandwich LOL!11!!!1: You stumbled onto Reddit and 4Chan again, didn’t you?

If you hear any, feel free to comment with additional mouth-breathing retorts below!

Akilah is a 23-year old hot mess studying improv at UCB. She’s sometimes a Barack Obama Tribute Band and other times a blogger at Its Akilah, Obviously , vlogger at Smoothiefreak , and @kiwirabbitfru on Twitter!

Congress Solves Sequester By Traveling Back In Time

Today the leadership of both the House of Representatives and the Senate announced jointly
that it had solved the problem of the budget sequester, which would have mandated huge cuts
in spending on defense, Medicare, and a bunch of other stuff that they couldn’t read about
because they’re old and the print is too small.

“Originally, this was a bill to reverse Daylight Savings Time,” said Senate Republican Leader
Mitch McConnell. “A lot of people were complaining to us that the time change was wreaking
havoc with their TiVo and they were really suffering. So we knew we had to take strong action.”

It was at that point that Congress realized that if it could set the time back by one hour, there
was no reason to stop there. “And that’s when we came up with a great idea,” said Senate
Majority Leader Harry Reid. “Why not just make it 2011 again. That way, we have another two
years before we have to deal with the fiscal cliff or the sequester or the debt ceiling or any of
that stuff. So we can just quibble about it some more, hold more press conferences, and avoid
doing anything, which is what we really enjoy doing.”

According to the terms of the agreement, all of the 2012 election results will still hold, but
Hurricane Sandy will be erased, and Beyonce will have another chance to beat out Taylor Swift
for the Grammy. “It’s not a perfect deal,” said Democratic House Leader Nancy Pelosi, “But it
makes me two years younger, so what the hell.”

Speaker John Boehner got the last word, noting, “It’s just like I’ve been saying all along. Our
problem is not that we don’t have enough revenue. Our problem is that we don’t know how to
tell time.”

Jerry Polner is a writer of sketches, parodies, and stage plays.  His script FIX NUMBER SIX, was chosen by the Boomerang Theatre Company to be presented as part of its First Flight reading series, and it was recently published by Next Stage Press.  Jerry’s short plays FLORENCE FAREWELL, GONE WITH THE MASHA, THANK YOU FOR APPLYING, and SAUTE YOUR FACE were produced by the Brooklyn Playwrights Collective at the Manhattan Theatre Source, the Brecht Forum, the Greek Cultural Center, Under Minerva, the Williamsburg Art and History Center, and Galapogos Artspace.  He has contributed to the McSweeney’s web site, and his play WEATHERMAN was published by Samuel French and has been performed by high school groups around the country.  Jerry’s comedy sketch script “Fugitive Math Teachers” was one of the winning entries in Break Media’s Break.com Video Contest.  Jerry’s web site, RadicalGags.com, is a political comedy sketch site for grassroots activists and people who should be. 


Dear Romney, Please Mention Gel Pens Too. Love, Office Supply Stores

I’m very happy.  See I own a small business and we’ve taken such a very big hit, you see, because of Staples, in particular, which is just 9 blocks away.  I think it is only fitting that Romney, who made Staples such an industry giant, now gives back to the small office supply community by giving binders a mention in the nationally-televised second debates. Christmas came early for us.  
 
Most people have forgotten about binders because of iPads and youPads and Doodads and whatnot.  But I never forgot and neither did Carol or Big Dumb Ed, my two employees at Nancy’s Office Supply/Stationery/Souvenir/Novelty (and now) Binder Shop.  
We added “binder” to the name of the shop yesterday in response to sales.
 
Romney has helped Big Bird too, unintentionally.  I’d like for him to also mention gel pens because we have seen low sales on that.  I wonder too if he could mention my mother because she is very sick.  
 
I wish Staples wasn’t so close by to us and I wish sales were better all the time and I also wish that women were hired for high-powered government jobs.  But… it is hard to hold any resentment now.  
 
Will you excuse me?  We have some customers.  Ed!  The binder truck is here, go sign for it please.
 
 
If you liked this then check out our live show in NYC! Ticket info HERE.
 
 

10 Things Lower Than Facebook’s Public Shares

Well, laaa deee daaahhh.  Facebook went public.  What an exciting prospect for all of us quick-thinking, entrepreneurial, financial savants!  But I wonder: who among us regular Joe’s purchased the well-priced stock? “A mere $38?  Let me call my broker!” might have been a statement to shout.  Not I, however. I shouted nothing.  I haven’t the means to purchase “another round,” let alone stock in Facebook. Who among us regular Joe’s can explain NASDAQ, or even tell us what those letters stand for?  Not I.  But I don’t have to be a money-man to know that the financial geniuses behind Facebook’s public stock debut weren’t such geniuses after all.  Because that mere $38 I fawned over earlier is now (as of Tuesday) an even more slight $28.  And if my middle school stock exchange project taught me anything, “dropping” and “low” are not good words in the “market.”

But don’t worry, Mark Zuckerberg!  The market is shifty! Andthere are still plenty of things that are lower than your sad, measly, $79 billion company shares.

10 THINGS LOWER THAN FACEBOOK’S PUBLIC SHARES:

1.  James Earl Jones’ voice in the morning 

2.  A limbo stick at a gymnast’s birthday party 

3.  The amount of income necessary to qualify for the Harlem River Housing projects 

4.  A group of black people dancing at that part in the “Cha-Cha Slide” 

5.  My ears after I tied them in a knot and I tied them in bow

6.  Cee “Lo” Green in a basement 

7.  My spirit after discovering not one but several Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup wrappers in my bed sheets 

8.  The amount of carbs in Jessica Simpson’s new pre-wedding diet 

9.   A pair of jeans on a gangsta midget

10.  The likelihood that any average person anywhere will ever taste the benefits of Facebook going public.

 

11.  My panties when I catch a glimpse of this fresh face.