At her polling location in Washington DC, former first lady and current Secretary of State Hillary Clinton walked into the voting booth with a bottle of Pinot Grigio, her favorite white wine, and loudly yelled that she is voting for Mitt Romney.
The usually dignified and pulled together Clinton loudly whispered to a volunteer at the voting location that she was “already two bottles in and to be quiet about it.”
An aide pulled her aside during her drunken display and asked what she was thinking, Clinton clutched the wine closer to chest and said, “Do you think I don’t get it? I’m old, Mark, I’m old. I’ll be 69 before the next election. If that black guy wins this one, there’s no shot for me then. Then what? Wait til I’m 73? No one wants that. I don’t want that. I just - I just want to be president. I just - want to be…noticed. Help me, Mark, help me.”
As the tears filled her eyes, she voted for Romney.
“It’s my only chance. This guy is the only chance women have.”
YOU GUYS. Voting is the MOST IMPORTANT. I made this video about HOW IMPORTANT voting is. nicHi interrupted me before I was able to finish it, but I got most of it in there. Please watch this and share it with all of your friends so that they know how important voting is too.
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I’m very happy. See I own a small business and we’ve taken such a very big hit, you see, because of Staples, in particular, which is just 9 blocks away. I think it is only fitting that Romney, who made Staples such an industry giant, now gives back to the small office supply community by giving binders a mention in the nationally-televised second debates. Christmas came early for us.
Most people have forgotten about binders because of iPads and youPads and Doodads and whatnot. But I never forgot and neither did Carol or Big Dumb Ed, my two employees at Nancy’s Office Supply/Stationery/Souvenir/Novelty (and now) Binder Shop.
We added “binder” to the name of the shop yesterday in response to sales.
Romney has helped Big Bird too, unintentionally. I’d like for him to also mention gel pens because we have seen low sales on that. I wonder too if he could mention my mother because she is very sick.
I wish Staples wasn’t so close by to us and I wish sales were better all the time and I also wish that women were hired for high-powered government jobs. But… it is hard to hold any resentment now.
Will you excuse me? We have some customers. Ed! The binder truck is here, go sign for it please.
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The Obama campaign recently released its latest attack ad, featuring Mitt Romney painfully warbling “America the Beautiful”, as factoids about his holding of offshore accounts and outsourcing jobs overseas are flashed on the screen.
I know it seems like Obama was trying to diss Romney’s personal wealth – his alleged millions of dollars hidden in Swiss bank accounts and tax havens in the Cayman Islands. Sure, it appears as though Obama’s main jab with this attack ad is to challenge Romney to give out more information about his own finances by releasing his tax returns, and prove that he’s too fiscally shady to be an apt POTUS.
But we all know what’s really going on.
OBAMA IS CHALLENGING ROMNEY TO A SING-OFF.
Just listen to Mitt suffer through a relatively simple melody such as ‘America the Beautiful’. His rhythmic flubbing of the iconic first line, his lackadaisical phrasing on key heightening lyric – ‘above the fruited plain’. And worst of all, he is almost a HALF-NOTE FLAT on the triumphant refrain, ‘A-MERRR-ica, America.’ I mean, policy aside, can we really have a prez with such inexcusable intonation?
As we all know, Obama is a consummate vocalist.
His natural vibrato, soulful delivery, lilting tenor and MASTERFUL up-riff on ‘i-in lo-ove with you’ and tonal grace are CLEAR indicators of his ability to lead the free world. How smart of him to drive home the DIRECT connection between vocal prowess and leadership ability with an attack ad featuring Romney’s pitiful crooning.
History proves this point…
Bill Clinton – EXCELLENT musician, excellent president:
As the race speeds up this fall, I look forward to the presidential sing-off heating up as well.
With Steven Tyler leaving his spot as a judge, American Idol’s ratings would sky-rocket if they hosted a presidential vocal debate! (You’re welcome for that idea, Ryan Seacrest.)
All I’m saying is they each better choose veeps who know how to harmonize in thirds.
After all, if we’re pitchy, then the terrorists win.
If you didn’t think there were enough reasons not to vote for Romney here’s yet another: HIS WIFE SPENDS AN UNECESSARY AMOUNT OF MONEY ON HORSES. What is this spending for, you ask? To keep up her passion for dressage. Dressage is what someone people call “horse ballet” or as I like to call it “people making horses do things they NEVER wanted to do.”
Ann says, “ I’d sit on a horse and forget I was even sick.” First of all, how is that? Second of all, why is it that when I sit on horses I cry and hope it doesn’t Christopher Reeve me? That’s not fair.
She also claims not to be wealthy which I agree with because who doesn’t go on horse-buying expeditions to Europe spending $100,000 on a single horse? I imagine other things she might have: a room dedicated to thousands of crystal horse figurines, a 500 thread count horse sheet set, hoof-shaped diamond encrusted coasters for dinner parties. Ann, it’s time to start new hobbies. Maybe something that will make you more relatable to the average woman? Just a thought.
It is with a heavy heart that I write to you. Though I try again and again to ignore your general bitchiness, it strikes to often for it to be ignored. President Obama, the candidate of “hope,” “change” and moving our country “forward,” must not actually read his Twitter feed, for if he did, he would notice how much he is sounding like an bitter teenager.
Who are you? Dwight Schrute? You sound like you are the prototype of a nerd in a Model UN debate and Romney is the cool kid. Barack Obama is the coolest kid - act like it.
Who are you? Glenn Beck? Where did these conspiracy theories come from? ”Shadowy conservative groups” - we’re not living in a Marvel comic, we’re living in a world where Fox News is on everyday telling people how horrible Obama is - nothing “shadowy” about it. And I’m sure this tweet on May 30th had NOTHING to do with meeting your May fundraising goal by May 31st, did it?
And, to top this all off:
Four - count them - FOUR tweets featuring Sarah Jessica Parker in the last 16 hours. First of all - Sarah Jessica Parker is the best New York Celebrity we could come up with to endorse Obama? Secondly, if I’m following you on Twitter, I see your tweets! Putting four in a row of the same thing doesn’t increase my chance of seeing it, it increases my chance of being annoyed at you for spamming my feed.
Obama social networks crew: get with it. And rise above the smear campaigns - we have to listen about this election for 5 more months, the least you could do is not be an asshole.
OMG you guys. Santorum just DROPPED OUT OF THE RACE!!!!#@!@!!!!
I mean, I like totally knew that he would, I totally said like months ago that Romney was a sure thing. Like INEVITABLE right??/? I mean it’s like asking Q: is Katy Perry like THE GREATEST singer-songwriter of our generation?!? A: YES. OBVI!!!! and Romney is GONNA be the GOP candidate. DUH.
But ummmmmm … Newt Gingrich.
You guys. YOU GUYS. Thisisthemostawkwardthingever. How do I explain this… You know Mark Tumpkind? That annoying dorky kid who always wears XXL Family Guy T-shirts (even though he’s like an XS) and talks about robots and aliens and stuff? You know how he SOMEHOW THINKS that VERONICA, the MOST POPULAR GIRL IN THE 8TH GRADE will go out with HIM, and he’s always saying things like, “There are two people trying to win Veronica’s heart, a true man and Greg Burke?” Except that Greg Burke is captain of the football team and basically already Veronica’s BF while Tumpkind snorts milk through his nose at lunch?
THAT’S NEWT GINGRICH. He ACTUALLY thinks he’s gonna win. Like ACTUALLY ACTUALLY. Just like TUMPKIND actually actually thinks Veronica will go out with him. It’s so awkward I can’t even be in a room with him. Why haven’t his friends told him that there’s no hope and he’s embarrassing himself? I’m embarrassed just talking about it. It’s actually like, really really sad.
Maybe someday Tumpkind will have a hot, popular girlfriend, I mean, we’re only in 7th grade, things could change.
But Newt Gingrich? President? ROFLMAO!!!@!@!!! OMG I think i’m gonna die LOLing. loloolololololololol. SIGH. Does your Dad hate Obama? … Ya mine too. Wanna get coldstone?
The latest news in the Trayvon Martin case is that a drug lab was run on his body, while his shooter remains untested for any alcohol in his system.
It’s all just depressing. A few weeks ago I found myself sitting in my living room watching ABC News and I burst into tears: school shootings, crimes against humanity in Syria, Santorum’s hate speech against gays, female reproductive rights becoming something from a Margaret Atwood novel. People don’t know what’s going on in the world because the news is too depressing.
My friend, Kate, and I have started playing a game when we watch the news called “Oh, looks like Todd is running the news now” because if I ran the news there would be more stories about puppies or cute boys or musicals or muppets or “The Hunger Games.”
You play the game by watching the news and taking a photo of actual news screen shots that would play if I ran the news. Here are some examples.
This was the lead story one night on NBC. Dognapping! It’s sad and it’s scary… but super adorable! If I ran the news…
Ooooooo…. Steamy! Who cares about what Romney did in blah, blah, blah or Obama’s stance on blah, blah, blah. I want to know the secrets of male escorts! If I ran the news…
Ok, this was from some boring story about Goldman Sachs, an investment bank or real estate or… I don’t know. I didn’t follow the story, but they did use a picture of the muppets so I paid attention. If I ran the news…
Now, these I didn’t photograph, but I support the newsmakers who decided to run the stories!
The murder of young man is heartbreaking, but a “Pizza Murder” is news I’d like to see!
OMG you guys. Santorum just DROPPED OUT OF THE RACE!!!!#@!@!!!!
