May 6, 2013

Todd Dakotah Briscoe

A McDonald’s in New Zealand has come under media scrutiny after an employee was told he was acting too gay and was asked not to “turn” customers gay.

Bitch, please.  Do you see who’s been reppin’ your company?

Let’s break this shit down.  McDonald’s has usually been associated with overweight Midwesterners, but let’s face facts. McDonald’s is gayer than Liza Minelli in a guest spot on Glee while I’m getting a blowjob from Vin Diesel.

RuPaul is searching for her Next Drag Superstar?  Apparently, she didn’t try the ballpit at the her local fast-food chain.  Ronald McDonald is there—up to the neck in balls.

It’s ballsy for this fast-food chain to choose a drag queen for its spokesperson.  It’s even ballsier that Ronald is still rocking that Marcia-Wallace-circa-Newhart wig, and that the bitch won’t even spring for a lace-front. 

And why the yellow overalls?  After 40 years in the business why is Ronald McDonald still acting all Butch-Queen-First-Time-at-The-Ball when she should be serving us some filet-o-fish?

Learn how to beat your face, booger. I can see your contouring a mile away. Your face is the one thing allowed to be SICKENING at a McDonald’s.

And what a classic fag-hag.  Look at the girl.  She’s so excited to go to Therapy with you on Friday night.  Hell, she even finds the unisex bathrooms fun!  She may end the night  before you head over to Posh because that place gets to crowded, and also you seem to be hitting it off with the guy you’re with, also she hasn’t watched Scandal this week, but she’ll text you tomorrow regarding brunch?

Birdie knows all the words to “Let’s have a Kiki!” and she can down a whole 20 piece McNuggets by herself.

I repeat: Butch-Queen-First-Time-At-A-Ball. 

Grimace comes from a sheltered community in the South so as soon as he moved to New York and he felt comfortable wearing bright colors, he went ALL out saying, “I never got to wear purple at home, but now look at me!”

It’s a bit much, but he’s expressing himself. And sure, you want to stop him from wondering in to those shops on  8^th Ave and 20^th, but he’s gotta experience for himself.

After he gets crabs from someone he met at The Cock, he will loosen up, put the poppers away and grow up a little. 

Or discover meth?

Let’s break this one down, hunties.

Sunhat. Moomoo. Cape. Eye Mask. Paula Poundstone Tie.

Also- horizontal stripes?  All T. All Shade.

Finally?  This is something I legitimately own:

March 27, 2013

Janani Sreenivasan - Guest Writer

In addition to being a crucial day in American family law – the
day California’s Proposition 8 went before the United States Supreme Court
- March 26, 2013 was also one of the most extraordinary days ever recorded in the history of
Western visual art.

The logo of the LGBT lobby Human Rights Campaign, or HRC,

awed by the prospect of marriage equality for all couples, and longing for the as-
yet-unexperienced wonders of the marriage bed, felt a gentle, pinkening flush of
virginal desire.

Over the hours, the logo encountered much loving support, and some bitchery.

“You look like a robot with a unibrow,” said some.

“You look like a pair of sad, lonely beds,” said others. “You look like an electrical
outlet. Why are you so focused on marriage?”

The logo reflected. It considered the criticism from radical queer communities of
the mainstream LGBT movement’s hyperfocus on marriage and family structures
favored by heterosexuals. The logo wondered whether gay marriage truly
represented progress for all, or would simply reinforce structural inequalities
between those who chose marriage and those who did not.

Its mind began to bend.

Mark Rothko, on a vacation from the underworld, stopped by with his paints.
Unaware of the logo’s inner turmoil, and enthusiastic about the day’s events, he
began to touch it up to his taste.

On second thought, mused Rothko, taking out more colors, why not
marriage between more than two people?

The logo, now a little exhausted from these revisions, began to wish the day
would end. But its journey was not over yet. Attracted by the logo’s notoriety, and
sensing an opportunity, a major company came calling.

“We have a perfect record with the Human Rights Campaign,” it whispered. “Let
us fix you up a little.”

Curious, the logo consented.

Upon looking in the mirror, the logo felt feelings it had never felt before:

Confidence.

A sense of arrival.

The pleasure of having sweet curves.

It flexed and turned a little, and its reflection changed to this:

And the logo found itself good.

Meanwhile, the green square representing the plight of Hollywood’s visual effects
artists, so popular just a few weeks before, sat in a corner, trying to think of a
way to get back in the limelight.

But as hard as it racked its brain, it could think of only one place it might fit in:

…

February 22, 2013

Todd Dakotah Briscoe

This past week has seen online articles about Lena Dunham in NY Magazine’s Vulture, Slate, Atlantic Wire, Gawker, Jezebel as well as print articles in Rolling Stone and Entertainment Weekly.  Now, these are just with blogs I actually read.  I’m sure there have been others.

So I guess… I’m supposed to write about Lena Dunham now?  It seems that if you want to be a culturally relevant blog you need to talk about Lena Dunham.  In fact Vulture alone ran three articles just this past week about Lena Dunham.  I think there was some general memorandum from the people who run media saying that you have to have a minimum of one Lena Dunham article per week.  So here I go…

Um, I like Girls?  I don’t, like, love it, but I’ll watch it every week.  Not like when it airs.  I have HBO GO so… I get around to it. 

I don’t hate it either.  It seems like there are a lot of people who hate Lena Dunham and hate Girls.  I hate Nazis.  And Ann Coulter.  And that thing with when you’re trying to tear out notebook paper that’s been perforated, but you pull too hard and rip the paper on accident.  I hate that, but not Lena Dunham.

She’s naked a lot. That’s a thing people talk about?  I mean, good for her. Some people find so much nudity disgusting.  Some find it empowering.  I like seeing Andrew Rannell’s butt.  Why can’t we talk about that more.  It was a nice ass.  Here it is again.

People are mad because all four leads of her show have famous parents.  Ok, Jemima Kirke’s dad is the drummer for Bad Company.  Was Hollywood really like “FINALLY!  The daughter of the guy who’s the drummer for Bad Company is willing to do our project!”  No.  And none of those girls would have been cast if they were bad actresses.  

My dad worked for Pfizer and I got a couple of free Viagra pens back in college, but no one wrote scathing articles about that. 

People call Lena Dunham a racist for not including more minority characters in season one, and then people were mad that Lena Dunham cast Donald Glover saying she was trying to overcompensate.  Race is an issue that stirs a lot of controversy.  So here’s something race related to get more hits to my blog post:  The “black”Steel Magnolias was just not as good as the original.  I said it.  Jill Scott vs. Dolly Parton?   No contest, folks. 

Lena recently spent an episode that featured her having sex with Patrick Wilson and people say that that’s impossible because she’s “homely” and he’s hot, and it was completely unbelievable.  Because someone unattractive never sleeps with anyone unattractive on TV and Film with the exceptions of any Woody Allen movie starring Woody Allen, Fred and Wilma Flintstone, Kevin James and Leah Remini on King of Queens, Larry David and Cheryl Hines, Jim Belushi and Courtney Thorne-Smith, did I mention Woody Allen?  

Can’t we just be happy we saw a half naked, sexy Patrick Wilson? Why aren’t people talking about this more?

Is Girls the most brilliant show ever?  No, and Lena never said it was.  She’s just trying to make the best TV show she possibly can and tell her story her way.  

Why aren’t people attacking Two Broke Girls more?  That’s the show that does have minority cast members, but also has a slew of very racist jokes.  That’s the show that portrays Brooklyn in a completely unrealistic way.  That’s the show that doesn’t have this:

Or this:

Or this:

I guess I do have an opinion on Lena Dunham.  I like naked men.

November 17, 2012

Todd Dakotah Briscoe

TODD:  Hey, friend.  Will I see you at the People’s Improv Theater tonight at 9:30PM for our last Political Subversities of the season?  I noticed you haven’t come yet!

FRIEND:  Huuuuuhhhhhh?  What are these things you speak of?

TODD: Are you fucking kidding me?  I’ve tweeted, facebooked, emailed and texted you about this show for the past 3 years.  We do the show every Saturday night at 9:30 and have for the past 3 years.  Tonight is our last one.

FRIEND:  So you’re never performing at the People’s Improv Theater again?

TODD:  Well, no, not exactly but after years of long runs and a new show every Saturday night, we’re going to start doing shows at other venues and returning to “the PIT” on a more intermediate basis.  Have you seen the show?  It’s exhausting!  We’ll be back, but not as often.

FRIEND:  I’ll catch it when you come back! 

TODD:  WHAT?  NO!  Tonight’s the best night to come!  We just elected a new president!  We just learned about a steamy sex scandal involving with CIA!  Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez just broke up and we need solace.

FRIEND:  I’m very busy.

TODD:  Every Saturday for 3 years?  Sorry, sorry.  I’m getting bitchy. 

FRIEND:  I can’t afford it!

TODD:  It’s only $10.  I’ll buy you a drink.

FRIEND:  I…

TODD:  It’s also really funny and musical and funny.

FRIEND:  Oh!  You mean’s it’s a comedy show?

TODD: (Blank stare)

OTHER FRIEND:  Hey, you two!  I’ve been listening to everything you’ve said I just wanted to say I’ve already seen the show so I won’t be coming.

TODD:  Thanks for coming, other friend!  Tonight will definitely have songs and sketches you’ve never heard and features 3 of our new cast members, Stephanie Hsu, Briana James and Preston Martin.

OTHER FRIEND:  Other people?  Count me in!

FRIEND:  What show is this?

Political Subversities, 9:30PM, The People’s Improv Theater, 123 E. 24thst between Park and Lex, $10. 

August 11, 2012

Todd Dakotah Briscoe

We talk about the Olympics.  We talk about Syria.  We talk about the 2012 Election.

But we are avoiding one major subject that deserves our national attention.  A subject that has been in the news, but buried on the back page and not making the front page news like it deserves:

Bears, y’all.

Seriously.  Bears have been up to some sneaky shit.

Recently in Norway, a mama bear and her 3 cubs raided a cabin and consumed over 100 beers.  They also helped themselves to marshmallows and honey.  What kind of world is this in which underage bears are allowed to imbibe? 

Another bear satiated his appetite by breaking and entering the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory and devouring pounds of fudge, haystacks and bon-bons. 

Political Subversities has obtained exclusive footage of this adorable, but deadly, but also delicious crime:

In the Adirondack village of Old Forge, bears sightings have been on the rise.  One bear cub got behind the seat of mini-van.  Another ransacked a candy store.  This is the SECOND bear attack of candy store in recent months.  If any of your loved ones work at Dylan’s Candy Bar, please tell them to be careful.

  And the bears are GETTING SMARTER.  THEY HAVE BEEN ATTENDING OUR SCHOOLS.  2 elementary schools, a high school and a University in Colorado have all been shut down by bears. 

And of course, beware the most dangerous of all:

July 31, 2012

Dominique Toney

-      1. Chick Fil-A: You’ve got employees who are dying of stress and an entire community of people mad at you. Get it together.

-       2. Kristen Stewart: Damn girl. You have everything going for you. You’re white. You’re famous. You’re rich. You’ve got a much-coveted boyfriend. Why’d you go and screw it all up? Aren’t you content in your life?

-       3. The Jackson Family: Not even sure where to start with this one. Michael Jackson’s kids vs. Michael Jackson’s siblings? The drama is never-ending. When’s the reality show?

-       4. Madonna: Woman, you have offended MANY by wearing a swastika in your European tour. Don’t you know that wearing that is OFF LIMITS? Especially in Europe?! Dang. 

-    5. University of Colorado Denver Hospital: One uninsured victim of the Aurora, Colorado shooting faces $2 million in medical bills. He was shot in the eye. He’s raised $70,000 thus far. The University of Colorado Denver Hospital doesn’t look like it’s going to wipe his bill clean, like some other hospitals are doing. BIG. TIME. FAIL.

July 15, 2012

Todd Dakotah Briscoe

Recently, Scientology has come under intense media and public scrutiny as Katie Holmes divorced and fought Tom Cruise for the custody of their daughter, Suri, allegedly because Katie wanted to free her daughter from Scientology. 

In 1967 the Church of Scientology was investigated by the IRS and it was deemed a commercial venture.  In addition, there have been rumors for years that L. Ron Hubbard told his son as well as many colleagues that a religious organization was the best business would could create, partially due to its tax exemption. 

The Mormon Church, formally known as The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, has also dealt with its share of detractors claiming that it’s a commercial venture as much as a religious entity.   Last week Bloomberg Businessweek wrote an article explaining the LDS business model including a new Salt Lake City shopping complex that partially sends profits to the church.  It’s a fascinating read, mainly because…

 I’m poor as fuck and need more money so welcome to the Church Of Todd (trademark pending). 

 That’s right folks.  Step right up and join the church of Todd.  Join today for the low “tithing fee” of $500 and you’ll get two of my favorite things:

 That’s right.  This isn’t a judgy religion that tells you what to do with your body.  Ranch for everyone!  Gays are not only welcome, but encouraged.  I’ll even give you a position of power (power-bottom position?) if you sleep with me.

Scientology has trademarked its unique cross, a very important factor that the cash-poor Christians missed out on.  So, I will also be trademarking my cross:

See, the old cross was a symbol of Roman torture and death.  My cross is an animated buddy who looks like he may be able to assist you in figuring out how to use Microsoft Word. I call him “Crossie!”  AND HE IS TRADEMARKED.

Now every church needs a deity.  “But, Todd!  Aren’t YOU the deity?”   No, jackass.  I’m the wise prophet who realized the real truth about our world 4.6 billions years after it was created. 

The Church of Todd is a polytheistic religion.

Goddess of Love, Fashion, and C***iness: Joan Collins circa Dynasty

Goddess of the Holy WERK:  The “Virgin” RuPaul

God of Bitchy Comments, Patron Saint to Closet Queens and Kinda Everything I Want to Be: Paul Lynde

God of Hair Follicles: Andrew Butler

And of course, Xalrobiman, the supreme creature from the planet Knobknocker who created us all in the great shade to grow to become our own Entripoid, or enlightened one. – Copyright pending.

Every new religion-business, or religiness, must have a sacred text, but why limit ourselves?  Instead of a sacred book, I’m starting a Sacred Book Club(tm) ala Oprah.  Get your copies of 50 Shades of Grey Ladies and refer to The book of BDSM 4:13.

And what about a Mecca?  The Mormons have Salt Lake!  The Scientologists have… Clearwater, FL.  The Church of Todd has Lefferts Gardens, Brooklyn.

Why Lefferts Gardens?  Because I’m tired of going to Motherfucking Greenpoint or Williamsburg to hang out with people.  I’m 4 stops into Brooklyn on the Q train!  It’s an express!  20 minutes to Union Square!  How is that so hard??? And it’s right off the Franklin shuttle to the 2,3,4,A,C! Seriously, you guys can come out to visit once in a while.  Or at least every Sunday at 10, plus an additional 12:30 meeting with contemporary music and a Sacred Book Club meeting in between!

 Oh, I’m supposed to be making money.  Um…

 There’s also 6 exciting levels!  Each costs $10,000, but with each level I’ll give you a secret!  Ooooooo…. secrets!  Secrets are fun!  The Mormons have secret temple rituals and Scientology has several OT levels that cost a certain amount of money, er, “donation” to obtain.  Mine will mainly be bitchy secrets about who’s hooking up with whom, but totally worth $10,000.

So join today! The only thing you have to lose is your friends and family!

**By agreeing to join the church of Todd, you agree to tithe 25 percent of your income to Todd, plus also you have to make him cookies.  But, like, good cookies.  None of that vegan crap. Speaking of vegans, no vegans allowed.  Instead of baptism, you just have to feed me bacon. Why don’t we just have bacon every Sunday like communion?  Bacon and Zima.  Why didn’t I think of this before?  Also, we should have missionaries, but like fun singing and dancing missionaries like the Book of Mormon the musical. Oh my God, I can’t wait for the South Park episode about my religion.  I’m going to be famous.  I wonder if Oprah will interview me.  Should Oprah be one of the deities?  I want some bacon.  So I don’t have to pay taxes anymore, right? 

July 8, 2012

Todd Dakotah Briscoe

When I took a high school journalism class, the first thing the teacher did was write “Man Bites Dog” on the blackboard.  He told us that this is what we should use when defining “newsworthy.”  Dogs bite men every day, but a man biting a dog?  That’s news.

Here’s what else is news according to The New York Times:  The Gays Love Magic Mike! 

Man Bites Dog.  Gay Man Wants to Bite Channing Tatum’s Abs.

Who would ever guess that this movie would appeal to the gays?

 It’s probably the choreography?

Olivia Munn!  She’s on her way to being a gay icon!

Oh, you mean it’s a movie about a bunch of male strippers?  You mean we get to see Matthew McConaughey in a thong?

Oh.

Well, I’ve done some of my own investigative reporting, folks.  And finally we have a report of who is seeing WHAT movie:

1)      Madea’s Witness Protection-  I was assuming this movie was meant to appeal to straight men between the ages of 15-30 because of the casting of sex symbol Denise Richards, but it turns out that African Americans also like Denise Richards.

2)      Madagascar 3: Comedy’s Most Wanted-  With the comedic talents of Ben Stiller, Chris Rock, Sacha Baron Cohen, Andy Richter and the always hilarious Jada Pinkett Smith, I was under the impression that this was a film destined for cult status among comedy nerds, but it turns out that this animated movie about animals touring around Europe and joining a circus also appeals to families!

3)      Battleship- This film has all the makings of appealing to a primarily male demographic, particularly one that grew up with the classic 1980s boardgame.  The trailer features explosions, Brooklyn Decker, Rihanna, “cool” dialogue, but it turns out this movie was meant for no one. 

4)      Katy Perry: Part of Me-  Actually, this film appeals to deaf, lesbian inuits who also have citizenship in Bangladesh and are really into Harajuku culture.  And also gummy bears. 

5)      Moonrise Kingdom- With an all-star cast including Bruce Willis, Bill Murray, Frances McDormand, Tilda Swinton, Ed Norton and many more, this movie looked like it was all set to break every box-office record.  Instead, it was able to find a niche audience with “those guys who only listen to vinyl, have a subscription to the New Yorker that they don’t actually read, only shop at stores that sell new clothes that look like old clothes, and don’t have a facebook.”  They are thrilled when they walk into the theater to find that they’re the only ones there.  Also, Gwenyth Paltrow.  Gwenyth likes this movie. 

Can I haz Pulitzer now?