August 28, 2012

Matthew Robert Gehring

As Isaac heads towards Tampa, where the Republican National Convention is taking place this week:

As Isaac passes Tampa, canceling only one day of the RNC:

As Isaac is headed toward New Orleans, 7 years to the day after the destruction of Hurricane Katrina:

June 19, 2012

Cyndi Perczek

If you didn’t think there were enough reasons not to vote for Romney here’s yet another: HIS WIFE SPENDS AN UNECESSARY AMOUNT OF MONEY ON HORSES. What is this spending for, you ask? To keep up her passion for dressage. Dressage is what someone people call “horse ballet” or as I like to call it “people making horses do things they NEVER wanted to do.”

Ann says, “ I’d sit on a horse and forget I was even sick.” First of all, how is that? Second of all, why is it that when I sit on horses I cry and hope it doesn’t Christopher Reeve me? That’s not fair.

She also claims not to be wealthy which I agree with because who doesn’t go on horse-buying expeditions to Europe spending $100,000 on a single horse? I imagine other things she might have: a room dedicated to thousands of crystal horse figurines, a 500 thread count horse sheet set, hoof-shaped diamond encrusted coasters for dinner parties. Ann, it’s time to start new hobbies. Maybe something that will make you more relatable to the average woman? Just a thought.

May 31, 2012

Matthew Robert Gehring

As of Tuesday night in Texas, Mitt Romney received over 1,144 delegates necessary to pave his way to the election season as the official Republican nominations and in his intoxicated speech in the Lone Star State said, “Shut the fuck up and deal with it, bitches.”  

Romney was responding to his wide-spread criticism that he lacks excitement from the Republican base while holding a quarter-full bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey. “I strap dogs to my car, I make a shit ton of money and I’m going to be the next president if you cocksuckers get your act together - so get yours acts together,” Romney unnecessarily screamed into a microphone.  

Though most Republicans find him liberal leaning, Reince Preibus, Republican National Committee chair, said that it was nice to see the more “American side” of Romney.  A heavy rebuke came from the Mormon clergy, but Romney was too busy making out with all of his sons’ girlfriends to care.

April 27, 2012

Kim Blanck

Recently, Democratic strategist Hilary Rosen told CNN’s Anderson Cooper that I, Ann Romney, can’t understand the plights of working women because I’ve never worked a day in my life. Ms. Rosen has since apologized to me for her “poorly chosen words,” but still, I want to say to everyone listening – men, women, Democrats and Republicans alike – that yes, I stayed home. But my staying home was a career choice, not a refusal to work. And to Ms. Rosen, I respectfully ask:

Have you ever raised five maids?

I tell you, it was hard work. Aria, Josephina, Maria, Catalina and Urn each had dozens of tasks, and I had to decide what those tasks were. Like, I had to come up with them. Did Ms. Rosen ever have to think of things for other people to do for her household? I barely had any time to read Redbook, take scenic walks, and sip coffee on the back porch. I barely had any time to do those things. I mean, I still did all those things, but it was a time crunch.

In summation, I invite you all to take a walk in my boating loafers. And if you like, sit back and Catalina will shine them for you. Catalina!

April 10, 2012

Andrew Butler

OMG you guys. Santorum just DROPPED OUT OF THE RACE!!!!#@!@!!!!

I mean, I like totally knew that he would, I totally said like months ago that Romney was a sure thing. Like INEVITABLE right??/? I mean it’s like asking Q: is Katy Perry like THE GREATEST singer-songwriter of our generation?!? A: YES. OBVI!!!! and Romney is GONNA be the GOP candidate. DUH.

But ummmmmm … Newt Gingrich.

You guys. YOU GUYS. Thisisthemostawkwardthingever. How do I explain this… You know Mark Tumpkind? That annoying dorky kid who always wears XXL Family Guy T-shirts (even though he’s like an XS) and talks about robots and aliens and stuff? You know how he SOMEHOW THINKS that VERONICA, the MOST POPULAR GIRL IN THE 8TH GRADE will go out with HIM, and he’s always saying things like, “There are two people trying to win Veronica’s heart, a true man and Greg Burke?” Except that Greg Burke is captain of the football team and basically already Veronica’s BF while Tumpkind snorts milk through his nose at lunch? 

THAT’S NEWT GINGRICH. He ACTUALLY thinks he’s gonna win. Like ACTUALLY ACTUALLY. Just like TUMPKIND actually actually thinks Veronica will go out with him. It’s so awkward I can’t even be in a room with him. Why haven’t his friends told him that there’s no hope and he’s embarrassing himself? I’m embarrassed just talking about it. It’s actually like, really really sad.

Maybe someday Tumpkind will have a hot, popular girlfriend, I mean, we’re only in 7^th grade, things could change.

But Newt Gingrich? President? ROFLMAO!!!@!@!!! OMG I think i’m gonna die LOLing. loloolololololololol. SIGH. Does your Dad hate Obama? … Ya mine too. Wanna get coldstone?

April 4, 2012

Shaina Taub

There are a lot of misconceptions floating around about birth control pills. Some members of the Republican Party think that they’re a sort of female Viagra, or women’s sex stimulant. And I’m here today, as a woman, to confirm on the blogosphere that they could not be more RIGHT.

As a girl growing up with a wholesome, abstinence-only education, I knew nothing of the pill. It wasn’t until my slutty friend Sheila slipped me one on the way to the club, that this magic little drug awakened me to my inner ho.

The news will have you believe that women take birth control for reasons OTHER than sex – like regulation of cycle, ovarian cysts, and/or prevention of extremely painful menstruation side effects…. but that’s simply poppycock.

 Truth is, we take it so we can bone til we’re blue in the face! And if you crush it up and snort it like cocaine, your nipples are hard ALL DAY. Plus, it clears up your skin!

 Also, there’s a rumor that there’s no correlation between how much sex a woman has and how many pills she has to take. MALARKY! I need like four packs a day with all the shtupping I do. I need it.

 So, thank you Rush Limbaugh and the Republican Party for finally speaking the truth – I had been ashamed about my birth control addiction, but now I can live freely.

 Sorry, gotta wrap up the blog. My alarm just went off telling me it’s pill time. Uhhh… I just came. In my UTERUS.

March 18, 2012

Emma Tattenbaum-Fine

I recently went to India and… wouldn’t ya know… they have different news there?!  I thought I was going to open the Indian newspaper and it would be all of our news but in Hindi.  Well, this just isn’t so.  The Indian newspaper is full of news all about India.

Elections: they have their own.  Weather: they have it too, only hotter, and movie stars—  But not our movie stars, you guys!  Movie stars with crazy foreign names and they aren’t minorities playing minority roles, they’re Indians, playing other Indians. 

To India’s credit, their newspaper did make mention of Mila Kunis and Meryl Streep, but in passing, and in this context:

 “Meryl Streep is America’s answer to Vidya Balan.”

Who is that?!  And why does Meryl Streep hafta answer to her?! 

They didn’t even mention Santorum pulling ahead of Romney in Mississippi because they were too busy talking about Narendra Modi posing a challenge to Rahul Gandhi in the parliamentary elections.

????!

India is real, you guys.  And it is NOT America.