July 4, 2012

Jerry Polner - Guest Writer

Political Subversities recently acquired this document from a source within the Romney campaign. It is an official invoice that details the actions taken to find a suitable VP for Romney. We think the world deserves to know. 

EXECUTIVE SEARCH ASSOCIATES

1 K Street

Washington, DC

“If they’re out there, they’re not in here.”

INVOICE

To:Romney Campaign

Some Bar That Doesn’t Look Like Cheers

Boston, Massachusetts

For services related to confidential search for running mate

Thorough vetting of Donald Trump for VP option.

Public poll to test out slogan “Sure he’s an

asshole.  But he’s our asshole.”350 hours$175,000

Surveillance of Chris Christie to confirm that

he is pro-life, but he’s not pregnant.50 hours$25,000

Determination that General Colin Powell’s first

name reminds Republican voters of “colonoscopy”

and they never really liked him anyway.20 hours$10,000

Complete investigation of all Republican

astronauts.10 minutes$83

Legal analysis of our back-up candidate’s

eligibility for VP vis a vis U.S. Constitution.

(Cheney still in the picture.  Awesome!)30 hours$ 15,000

TOTAL DUE LIKE RIGHT NOW$ 225,083

P.S. No extra charge for that totally fake meeting where you let Romney think he was firing us.  It was a stitch!

…

Jerry Polner is a writer of sketches, parodies, and stage plays.  His script FIX NUMBER SIX, was chosen by the Boomerang Theatre Company to be presented as part of its First Flight reading series, and it was recently published by Next Stage Press.  Jerry’s short plays FLORENCE FAREWELL, GONE WITH THE MASHA, THANK YOU FOR APPLYING, and SAUTE YOUR FACE were produced by the Brooklyn Playwrights Collective at the Manhattan Theatre Source, the Brecht Forum, the Greek Cultural Center, Under Minerva, the Williamsburg Art and History Center, and Galapogos Artspace.  He has contributed to the McSweeney’s web site, and his play WEATHERMAN was published by Samuel French and has been performed by high school groups around the country.  Jerry’s comedy sketch script “Fugitive Math Teachers” was one of the winning entries in Break Media’s Break.com Video Contest.  Jerry’s web site, RadicalGags.com, is a political comedy sketch site for grassroots activists and people who should be.