April 4, 2012

Shaina Taub

There are a lot of misconceptions floating around about birth control pills. Some members of the Republican Party think that they’re a sort of female Viagra, or women’s sex stimulant. And I’m here today, as a woman, to confirm on the blogosphere that they could not be more RIGHT.

As a girl growing up with a wholesome, abstinence-only education, I knew nothing of the pill. It wasn’t until my slutty friend Sheila slipped me one on the way to the club, that this magic little drug awakened me to my inner ho.

The news will have you believe that women take birth control for reasons OTHER than sex – like regulation of cycle, ovarian cysts, and/or prevention of extremely painful menstruation side effects…. but that’s simply poppycock.

 Truth is, we take it so we can bone til we’re blue in the face! And if you crush it up and snort it like cocaine, your nipples are hard ALL DAY. Plus, it clears up your skin!

 Also, there’s a rumor that there’s no correlation between how much sex a woman has and how many pills she has to take. MALARKY! I need like four packs a day with all the shtupping I do. I need it.

 So, thank you Rush Limbaugh and the Republican Party for finally speaking the truth – I had been ashamed about my birth control addiction, but now I can live freely.

 Sorry, gotta wrap up the blog. My alarm just went off telling me it’s pill time. Uhhh… I just came. In my UTERUS.