Did you hear about the drunk Florida woman who was arrested for calling 911 because she was lonely?
Can I admit something? When I was a little girl, I would call 911 just to make sure the phones were working! I’d always hang up after the first ring, and one time they actually called back!! That definitely stopped me from calling again. Maybe I was just lonely too…
Ya know, I applaud her for her efforts. Some people do much worse things when they’re drunk and lonely - they jump into swimming pools and baths and drown, some drunk dial their ex boyfriends or girlfriends, and some sit in front of the TV and overeat while watching reruns of RHOA or KUWTK (If you don’t know what those abbreviations mean, you are not my friend. Stop reading this and go google that shit. NOW.)
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A good way to avoid getting lonely when drunk is to drink at Political Subversities live show! Running for two more Saturdays in April at The PIT in NYC. Click here for tickets and info!
With all the plastic I’ve thrown away in my lifetime… all the Starbucks cups and styrofoam take out boxes and all the sewage I’ve created, and we are talking about a lot of sewage…. the thought of disgracing the planet yet again when I die, this time eternally, with my stank-ass varnished coffin, with a fucking pillow….covered in awkward make-up, old as balls, and then encased in cement…. I can’t do it.
So with you as my witnesses, if I die tomorrow or 80 yrs from now, this is what I want. I want to become a tree and here’s how it’s gonna happen. And if you outlive me, this falls on your shoulders so don’t fuck it up or I will haunt you so hard you’ll wish you had never read this blog post.
Listen closely: There’s a burial option for human beings called a “biodegradable urn”. You get cremated and put into the biodegradable urn, into which a seed is placed…. so you gotta decide what kind of tree you wanna be before you die. You following? You then…. get planted. The dirt you’re in and your own ashes, fertilize the seed and you grow into a frickin’ tree! It’s brilliant!!! Congratulations, you are a tree. You are reborn as a tree. Here is your tree passport, but you’re not going anywhere cuz you’re a tree.
Your family can come and visit you. And you are just chilling out there, for hundreds of years, being awesome, because that is what trees do. That is what all trees do and you are a tree. And then when the tree falls, you could become a wooden bench, and after that a rotten wooden bench and after that a restored rotten wooden bench and it will just not stop being amazing, it will only get better from there. Who is ready to die!!!!? I can’t wait to be a tree..
This world, all of you, everything, is a practice run for what a baller tree I’m gonna be. I’ll see you… in the Brooklyn Botanic Garden.
On this day, we remember George Washington – the first President of the United States, the Senior Officer of the Army, the Commander-in-Chief of the Continental Army, the Delegate to the Second Continental Congress from Virginia, and the Delegate to the First Continental Congress from Virginia – by sleeping in until 11:46 A.M. and going to brunch with Ashley from Recruiting and Ashish from Business Marketing.
We honor his decades of service by spending the afternoon at Macy’s and finally settling on the Sertapedic Queen Mattress Set (Skylands Tight Top Firm) on sale for $247.00, regularly $689.00. As we peruse the Accessories section, we think back on his being hailed as “first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his countrymen” by putting down another $229.99 on the Lauren Ralph Lauren Harrow Hobo handbag, regularly $298.00.
Nationwide, we celebrate his vision of a great and powerful America by taking a nap on brand-new, aforementioned mattress with one hand resting solemnly upon beautiful hobo handbag. As we awaken, we revere Washington as an icon of liberation and nationalism for all future time by sliding ourselves deep within our couches with two Diet Cokes and a rerun of Nashville. When former Whose Line Is It Anyway? star Chip Esten erupts into sexy, sober song, we welcome the warm, nearly erotic pleasure of country twang mingled with federal holiday as it courses deliciously through our bodies. We let out a luxurious belch smelling solely of Diet Coke.
“Thank you, George Washington,” we whisper, “for providing us with this annual day off from work, during which we sleep, shop, sleep, and singlehandedly keep Nashville on the air. Thank you for all that you’ve done for us. Thank you.”
Happy Presidents Day.
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Check out PoliSub’s most recent video, ‘Who Should Be The Next Pope?’ by clicking HERE!
You may suck at hosting awards shows, but you’ve probably got a really big job coming up because, I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but there was this cop who was fired and had a vendetta against his old job so he wrote a really long angry letter and then rampaged across the Greater Los Angeles area shooting people, then hid in a Cabin in Big Bear and apparently rode out of the cabin in a horse (but that turned out to be a lie) and then the cops found him and set fire to the cabin he was hiding in and now he’s dead and now every major studio is trying to make the movie and you will probably be the lead in the movie cause you look just like the dude.
Benedict XVI is only the third pope to ever resign from the position, so there isn’t much precedent for post-pope behavior. Here’s what we think he’ll be up to now that he doesn’t have to wory about all that poping around.
Become the shadow pope! (All the power, none of the annoying speaking engagements.)
Look into Wicca
Just literally pray all day. Like, wake up, pray, eat, pray, eat, pray, eat, pray, sleep, as if his life were a significantly less interesting Elizabeth Gilbert novel
Finally get caught up on GIRLS
Gardening (I hear he’ll be living in the Vatican garden. No joke. In a tent? There’s a garden house? Who knows.)
Train Luke Skywalker to fulfill his destiny and restore peace to the galaxy
Put on the pope hat when no one is looking
Sigh and shake his head ever so slightly whenever he makes eye contact with the new pope
Re-read Harry Potter a bunch
Finally get on top of his twitter game
Add false embarrassing childhood details to the new pope’s Wikipedia page
Cannoli, lots
Bunga Bunga parties with Berlusconi
Mutter “more like the dope” soft enough that only the new pope can hear him
Watch Matlock and reminisce about the Second Vatican Council just like every other retiree
The liberal media has recently launched a full on assault on normal Americans like you and me: Americans who just want the right to keep other Americans locked in their basement.
In Midland, Alabama a 5-year-old boy named Ethan was stolen from the possession of 65-year-old Jim Lee Dykes who was keeping Ethan safe (on his private property!) in a bunker for a week. In Kansas City police found a 14-year-old teenager tied up to a pole in the basement as a punishment.
Pejorative phrases such as “hostage” and “demented” and “against his will” have been used in describing these stories. How about phrases like “at least provided water” or “had big plans to make him my wife?” It’s amazing how semantics can really twist a news story!
I’m a constitutional loyalist and nowhere in the constitution does it deprive tax-paying citizens from preventing the escape of his son, daughter or local delivery boy. It does provide the right to bear arms. In this case, I prefer to tie those said arms to a pipe located in a shack in my backyard.
Now, as someone who doesn’t trust the government and knows the world is going to end on April 25, 2013 I wanted to defend my brethren looking to keep the government out of our personal affairs! I don’t go to Washington to tell those fat cats to stop planning the take over of the illuminati, so why are they telling me what to do my with my human pets?
It doesn’t help that films such as Silence of the Lambs and Saw have portrayed us Captivating-Americans as deranged, sadistic and even “mad.” Taking a cue from America’s Sodomites, I plan to change the perception of captors by writing a sitcom that shows how fun we can be! Please tune in to NBC this fall for the premiere of “Todd and Chuck,” a hilarious comedy about an odd-ball pair of roommates: a disgruntled former government employee and the newspaper boy who should have fixed that flat tire on his bike.
One final thought. Please stop referring to it as “kidnapping.” Not all of our possessions are kids. It makes it seem like we are pedophiles! Please. Most of us don’t even see age. We just see giant monsters with three heads looking to destroy us, but maybe we can get a ransom from King Zxornon of Galaxy IVX.
