Articles tagged "lol"
Today is Presidents Day.
On this day, we remember George Washington – the first President of the United States, the Senior Officer of the Army, the Commander-in-Chief of the Continental Army, the Delegate to the Second Continental Congress from Virginia, and the Delegate to the First Continental Congress from Virginia – by sleeping in until 11:46 A.M. and going to brunch with Ashley from Recruiting and Ashish from Business Marketing.
We honor his decades of service by spending the afternoon at Macy’s and finally settling on the Sertapedic Queen Mattress Set (Skylands Tight Top Firm) on sale for $247.00, regularly $689.00. As we peruse the Accessories section, we think back on his being hailed as “first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his countrymen” by putting down another $229.99 on the Lauren Ralph Lauren Harrow Hobo handbag, regularly $298.00.
Nationwide, we celebrate his vision of a great and powerful America by taking a nap on brand-new, aforementioned mattress with one hand resting solemnly upon beautiful hobo handbag. As we awaken, we revere Washington as an icon of liberation and nationalism for all future time by sliding ourselves deep within our couches with two Diet Cokes and a rerun of Nashville. When former Whose Line Is It Anyway? star Chip Esten erupts into sexy, sober song, we welcome the warm, nearly erotic pleasure of country twang mingled with federal holiday as it courses deliciously through our bodies. We let out a luxurious belch smelling solely of Diet Coke.
“Thank you, George Washington,” we whisper, “for providing us with this annual day off from work, during which we sleep, shop, sleep, and singlehandedly keep Nashville on the air. Thank you for all that you’ve done for us. Thank you.”
Happy Presidents Day.
Check out PoliSub’s most recent video, ‘Who Should Be The Next Pope?’ by clicking HERE!
Benedict XVI is only the third pope to ever resign from the position, so there isn’t much precedent for post-pope behavior. Here’s what we think he’ll be up to now that he doesn’t have to wory about all that poping around.
- Become the shadow pope! (All the power, none of the annoying speaking engagements.)
- Look into Wicca
- Just literally pray all day. Like, wake up, pray, eat, pray, eat, pray, eat, pray, sleep, as if his life were a significantly less interesting Elizabeth Gilbert novel
- Finally get caught up on GIRLS
- Gardening (I hear he’ll be living in the Vatican garden. No joke. In a tent? There’s a garden house? Who knows.)
- Train Luke Skywalker to fulfill his destiny and restore peace to the galaxy
- Put on the pope hat when no one is looking
- Sigh and shake his head ever so slightly whenever he makes eye contact with the new pope
- Re-read Harry Potter a bunch
- Finally get on top of his twitter game
- Add false embarrassing childhood details to the new pope’s Wikipedia page
- Cannoli, lots
- Bunga Bunga parties with Berlusconi
- Mutter “more like the dope” soft enough that only the new pope can hear him
- Watch Matlock and reminisce about the Second Vatican Council just like every other retiree
Check out the state of Political Subversities romantic union(s) in this week’s PoliSub Talks video about Valentine’s Day! CLICK HERE to watch!
Each of the PoliSub crew weighs in on Valentine’s day in this one-minute mash-up of our rants, raves and misunderstandings.
The liberal media has recently launched a full on assault on normal Americans like you and me: Americans who just want the right to keep other Americans locked in their basement.
In Midland, Alabama a 5-year-old boy named Ethan was stolen from the possession of 65-year-old Jim Lee Dykes who was keeping Ethan safe (on his private property!) in a bunker for a week. In Kansas City police found a 14-year-old teenager tied up to a pole in the basement as a punishment.
Pejorative phrases such as “hostage” and “demented” and “against his will” have been used in describing these stories. How about phrases like “at least provided water” or “had big plans to make him my wife?” It’s amazing how semantics can really twist a news story!
I’m a constitutional loyalist and nowhere in the constitution does it deprive tax-paying citizens from preventing the escape of his son, daughter or local delivery boy. It does provide the right to bear arms. In this case, I prefer to tie those said arms to a pipe located in a shack in my backyard.
Now, as someone who doesn’t trust the government and knows the world is going to end on April 25, 2013 I wanted to defend my brethren looking to keep the government out of our personal affairs! I don’t go to Washington to tell those fat cats to stop planning the take over of the illuminati, so why are they telling me what to do my with my human pets?
It doesn’t help that films such as Silence of the Lambs and Saw have portrayed us Captivating-Americans as deranged, sadistic and even “mad.” Taking a cue from America’s Sodomites, I plan to change the perception of captors by writing a sitcom that shows how fun we can be! Please tune in to NBC this fall for the premiere of “Todd and Chuck,” a hilarious comedy about an odd-ball pair of roommates: a disgruntled former government employee and the newspaper boy who should have fixed that flat tire on his bike.
One final thought. Please stop referring to it as “kidnapping.” Not all of our possessions are kids. It makes it seem like we are pedophiles! Please. Most of us don’t even see age. We just see giant monsters with three heads looking to destroy us, but maybe we can get a ransom from King Zxornon of Galaxy IVX.