When I took a high school journalism class, the first thing the teacher did was write “Man Bites Dog” on the blackboard. He told us that this is what we should use when defining “newsworthy.” Dogs bite men every day, but a man biting a dog? That’s news.
Here’s what else is news according to The New York Times: The Gays Love Magic Mike!
Man Bites Dog. Gay Man Wants to Bite Channing Tatum’s Abs.
Who would ever guess that this movie would appeal to the gays?
It’s probably the choreography?
Olivia Munn! She’s on her way to being a gay icon!
Oh, you mean it’s a movie about a bunch of male strippers? You mean we get to see Matthew McConaughey in a thong?
Well, I’ve done some of my own investigative reporting, folks. And finally we have a report of who is seeing WHAT movie:
1) Madea’s Witness Protection- I was assuming this movie was meant to appeal to straight men between the ages of 15-30 because of the casting of sex symbol Denise Richards, but it turns out that African Americans also like Denise Richards.
2) Madagascar 3: Comedy’s Most Wanted- With the comedic talents of Ben Stiller, Chris Rock, Sacha Baron Cohen, Andy Richter and the always hilarious Jada Pinkett Smith, I was under the impression that this was a film destined for cult status among comedy nerds, but it turns out that this animated movie about animals touring around Europe and joining a circus also appeals to families!
3) Battleship- This film has all the makings of appealing to a primarily male demographic, particularly one that grew up with the classic 1980s boardgame. The trailer features explosions, Brooklyn Decker, Rihanna, “cool” dialogue, but it turns out this movie was meant for no one.
4) Katy Perry: Part of Me- Actually, this film appeals to deaf, lesbian inuits who also have citizenship in Bangladesh and are really into Harajuku culture. And also gummy bears.
5) Moonrise Kingdom- With an all-star cast including Bruce Willis, Bill Murray, Frances McDormand, Tilda Swinton, Ed Norton and many more, this movie looked like it was all set to break every box-office record. Instead, it was able to find a niche audience with “those guys who only listen to vinyl, have a subscription to the New Yorker that they don’t actually read, only shop at stores that sell new clothes that look like old clothes, and don’t have a facebook.” They are thrilled when they walk into the theater to find that they’re the only ones there. Also, Gwenyth Paltrow. Gwenyth likes this movie.
Can I haz Pulitzer now?