May 9, 2012

Jordan Woods-Robinson - Guest Writer

Tourists from all over the world (but mainly from their parents’ basements in Suburbia, USA) who used to flock to Never-Netherlands for the novelty of smoking weed in public are facing a major buzzkill as the Duh-tch pass a law that only legal residents may buy pot from the abundant coffee shops.

That’s like saying the Red Light District will only be on display as a Christmas light spectacular.

This is one of the dumbest ideas that a government has passed down in quite some time.  They finally figured out a way to legalize the stuff, tax it, sell it in large quantities and, as a result, bring in millions of tourists.  Not your average, tourist, mind you but your UBER-tourist who will not stop eating from the moment they touch down, will remain completely docile the whole time they’re visiting and will buy any trucker hat with a quasi-funny slogan you put in front of them.  The perfect tourist.

Now, in protest, the coffee shops are shutting their doors causing the tourists and the locals to find their daily salad on the streets which is going to hike crime right back up, take taxes out of the government’s pocket and cause so much lower back pain for all those poor chronics who have to carry their heavy bongs around all day.

Oh well.  At least they still have …… what do they have?  Pot and hookers.  Hookers.  At least they still have hookers.  Yup, they’ll be just fine.

AmsterDAMN.

…

Jordan is an actor/musician who is trying to also become a writer/gardener.  He is a full time performer in Blue Man Group and a freelance actor for Film & TV in the southeastern states.  Jordan lives in Orlando, FL where he is tolerated by his wife and their two dogs.
www.JordanWoods-Robinson.com
www.JordAntics.com

March 23, 2012

Todd Dakotah Briscoe

The latest news in the Trayvon Martin case is that a drug lab was run on his body, while his shooter remains untested for any alcohol in his system.

It’s all just depressing.  A few weeks ago I found myself sitting in my living room watching ABC News and I burst into tears: school shootings, crimes against humanity in Syria, Santorum’s hate speech against gays, female reproductive rights becoming something from a Margaret Atwood novel.  People don’t know what’s going on in the world because the news is too depressing.

My friend, Kate, and I have started playing a game when we watch the news called “Oh, looks like Todd is running the news now” because if I ran the news there would be more stories about puppies or cute boys or musicals or muppets or “The Hunger Games.” 

You play the game by watching the news and taking a photo of actual news screen shots that would play if I ran the news.  Here are some examples.

This was the lead story one night on NBC.  Dognapping!  It’s sad and it’s scary… but super adorable!  If I ran the news…

Ooooooo…. Steamy!  Who cares about what Romney did in blah, blah, blah or Obama’s stance on blah, blah, blah.  I want to know the secrets of male escorts!  If I ran the news…

Ok, this was from some boring story about Goldman Sachs, an investment bank or real estate or… I don’t know.  I didn’t follow the story, but they did use a picture of the muppets so I paid attention.  If I ran the news…

 Now, these I didn’t photograph, but I support the newsmakers who decided to run the stories!

 The murder of young man is heartbreaking, but a “Pizza Murder” is news I’d like to see!

And why stop at TV news? 

I don’t care about the number of voters voting in the primaries.  Here’s a number I like: 101.  Like the 101 grandmother who set a paragliding record.  And I like that the headline has the word “Wheee!”  If I ran the news…

Yes, if I ran the news, you’d see more stories like these. 

Instead the news just gives us… stories like these.

Oh, maybe I don’t need to make the news more user-friendly.  They’re doing that for us…