InfoGraphic: What Will Be Talked About At State of the Union
February 12, 2013
Matthew Robert Gehring
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Check out the state of Political Subversities romantic union(s) in this week’s PoliSub Talks video about Valentine’s Day! CLICK HERE to watch!
Articles tagged "matthew robert gehring"
7 Things I Learned from Django: Unchained
January 16, 2013
Matthew Robert GehringDear Mr. Tarantino,
I had the pleasure of watching your movie Django: Unchained last evening. It was thrilling, emotional and (dare I say) educational.
As a white 26-year old from the vast Midwest, I have always been curious about the black struggle in the 17th, 18th and 19th centuries. And now, through the magic of your movie Django: Unchained I have learned more than I bargained for. Especially the N-word. In fact, here’s a list of things I learned:
1) German people sometimes don’t sound so German!
2) I can say the N-word, too!
3) Snowmen can make you a really good shooter!
4) The N-word isn’t that big a deal to say!
5) Ku Klux Klan members can and will be funny!
6) If someone kills your friend, sell them to Australians!
7) The N-word can be said by white people, now!
So in honor of Django: Unchained, I will now use the N-word in my post.
Nutsack.
Remember that one scene where he’s tied up and hanging upside down? Yeah, that’s the N-word I’m talking about. Which one did you think?
Chicken Soup for the Traveler’s Soul
January 1, 2013
Matthew Robert GehringOn a recent day traveling through the mountains of Pennsylvania, I happened upon a Pilot gas station and traveler’s center. Being on a bus and having a mandatory driver’s 30 minute break, I had to check out the place. And the question I found myself asking at every turn: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?
What the fuck is this?
Oh duh - a guide to the Dead Sea Scrolls… just what I need…. when going through Pennsylvania.
What the fuck is this?
The best description I can give is that it is a wolf box. Ya know - a box to put your wolf stuff inside. You’ll know it’s your wolf stuff from the outside of the box.
What the fuck is this?
Just a monkey in a purse. A “Fancy Pal” if you will.
What the fuck is this?
Just some BACON CHEDDAR crackers. And look at the picture of the cheddar - fine. What is going on with that bacon? It’s twirled like a rat tail. Who decided that? ”Yeah, Mark - we’re going to need you to redo the picture. No - keep the cheddar - can we make the bacon look more…disgusting?”
Then I found myself in the bathroom and saw the classic truck stop condom machine.
But take a closer look. None of those are for condoms. They’re all sexual stimulants. We’ve gone from - “I might have sex, better grab a condom” to “I’m DEFINITELY having sex, better make sure I’m up to my sexual peak.”
Uncle Sam is crying. You’re using SIBERIAN ginseng? What happened to good ol’ AMERICAN ginseng?
And finally, something I know. Apple juice.
Oh…it’s not…?
Diesel treat? Fuck I drank like 3 gallons, I gotta g—-
This Is The Future of the GOP
December 5, 2012
Matthew Robert GehringWith the defeat of Mitt Romney in the election - the Republican establishment is reeling. What is next for the Republicans? Does their platform need to change? Who will lead this defunct party?
The answer: Sex appeal.
Republicans will wake up and realize that elections aren’t about policies - they are about sex appeal. Who would you rather vote for - this guy?
OR this guy?
Obama wasn’t just happenstance. Obama was the brainchild of Democrats during the Eisenhower years. He was bred in a Democratic base in Hawaii and “raised” as the perfect candidate. You don’t get a beautiful biracial man from out nowhere. He comes from years of hard work and planning. So, Republicans, get your shit together and starting making your candidate for 2060. I will suggest that you mate Republican Congressman Aaron Schock:
(Yes, that is a real Congressman - Aaron Schock - Republican from Illinois’ 18th Congressional District)
I suggest mating Schock and Senator John McCain’s daughter and political blogger, Meghan McCain.
Here is the lovely Ms. McCain from her photo shoot with Playboy:
Get them together, what to do you get? The future of the Republican party. Scroll down for a rough estimation of what that future of the Republican party will look like:
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Come see Political Subversities live at Ars Nova in NYC on Decemeber 12th & 13th! Tickets and info HERE.
Something NOT about Israel and the Impending Middle East War
November 19, 2012
Matthew Robert GehringOh man! How about that stuff going on in Israel, huh? Oh yeah - I don’t want to talk about it either. Here’s a cool football fumble recovery!
That was awesome! Those two teams really were playing as hard as they can. Kind of like how hard Israel is trying to get rid of H- No? Just kidding! I wasn’t going to - Skip to 2:45 on this video to see some cool dancing and a song mash up!
WHOA! What a true display of talent and skill! What a celebration. I can’t believe the 95 dead Palestinians and 50 dead civilians will never see - oh, no I’m sorry I wasn’t going to say anything else. Here’s a cool video!
Such a fun critique of our world, huh? Here’s a fun video to take your mind off the world!
Oh sorry - that was a bomb exploding by Anderson Cooper while reporting in Israel. Weird, how did that get in there?
Anyways - I hope I took your mind off the impending Middle East War! Anyone want to go see Argo?
Hillary Clinton Opens Case of Pinot Grigio, Votes for Romney
November 6, 2012
Matthew Robert GehringAt her polling location in Washington DC, former first lady and current Secretary of State Hillary Clinton walked into the voting booth with a bottle of Pinot Grigio, her favorite white wine, and loudly yelled that she is voting for Mitt Romney.
The usually dignified and pulled together Clinton loudly whispered to a volunteer at the voting location that she was “already two bottles in and to be quiet about it.”
An aide pulled her aside during her drunken display and asked what she was thinking, Clinton clutched the wine closer to chest and said, “Do you think I don’t get it? I’m old, Mark, I’m old. I’ll be 69 before the next election. If that black guy wins this one, there’s no shot for me then. Then what? Wait til I’m 73? No one wants that. I don’t want that. I just - I just want to be president. I just - want to be…noticed. Help me, Mark, help me.”
As the tears filled her eyes, she voted for Romney.
“It’s my only chance. This guy is the only chance women have.”
The Most Disgusting Gentrification Ever (Crown Heights, BK)
October 22, 2012
Matthew Robert GehringI was taking a walk in my neighborhood in Brooklyn and found one of the most blatant bits of gentrification I’ve ever seen. Take a walk with me as we walk from the street to….
Where are we going under this construction? Who is that homeless guy just sitting there? Oh well!
I’m under construction - I’m a little scared - who is that man holding a trash bag?
Cash for gold? A SURE sign of prosperity in a neighborhood!
Still looking a little ghetto - but some nice cars…
Oh a nice little family outside their SUV - how unexpected… Say… what’s that?
Beyond the lights - right to the left…
Is that…oh my god…
A FUCKING GRAND PIANO? WHY IS THIS HERE? EVERYTHING IS WRONG IN THE WORLD.
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What are you doing on election night? Don’t cry/cheer alone! Come to Political Subversities’ Election Night Live at The PIT! It’s a full evening of NYC’s best standup, storytelling, improv, sketch, music and election coverage! More info HERE.
Are Obama and Romney REALLY Neck and Neck?
October 1, 2012
Matthew Robert GehringPotential Incumbent Barack Obama and Presidential Hopeful Mitt Romney have been compared in many swing states as being “neck and neck,” especially in key swing states like Florida and Ohio. Let’s break down the math.
In the 2008 presidential election, roughly 125 million people voted for a president. That’s only 58%
According to the Miami Herald, the polls in Florida have Mitt Romney at 47% and Barack Obama at 48% of likely voters with a 3.5% margin of error.
So following the likely voters first: The neck is placed about 90% up the body. If Obama and Romney were neck and neck, they’d be polling at around 90% - each. IMPOSSIBLE! At best, if everyone voted, they’d be at belly button and belly button.
But not everyone is voting. So that will drop it down the human body. Obama and Romney are getting around 50% of likely voters?
They’re at knee-cap and knee-cap.
Let’s get it right, pundits and news organizations: with the amount of people who actually vote, it’s impossible to say neck and neck.
HuffPo Casually Mentions Obviously More Interesting Story In Boring Story
September 5, 2012
Matthew Robert Gehring
I need more information.
