Recently, television actor Matt Bomer came out as gay after years of speculation about his
sexuality. For this we applaud Mr. Bomer because it took tremendous courage for him to do
that in a world where we have to watch New Jersey Governor Chris Christie set the stage
for his likely 2016 presidential run by denying thousands of LGBT folks their equal rights to
the various miseries of marriage or listen to Rick Santorum use his diarrhea-prone mouth to
compare homosexuality to bestiality.
It should also be noted that because this adds to the staggering number of high profile men
to come out in recent years (and I’m going to homosexistly™ limit my discussion to men
because bisexuals have Cynthia Nixon, “trannies” have Chaz Bono and who cares about
dumpy ‘ol lesbians—#amiriteladies?), I’d like to address a seeming epidemic that this trend
exposes. Namely: WHERE MY UGLY GAY GUYS AT?!?!? Since I’m fat and ugly and
destined to die alone surrounded by my 7 cats, this is obviously a hot button issue for me. I
bring it up because every time one of these guys comes out, it always just so happens (tra-la-la!
) that they look like they’ve come not so much out of the closet (from where I crawled like a
cockroach) as much as they look like they’ve come out of the seancody.com barebacking scene.
Exhibit A-Z: THESE GOOGLE SEARCH RESULTS
And to top it off, they’re always so goddamn nice. And smart. And humanitarian. And not to
beat a dead horse but smoking hot(t) with their Kenmore electric washboard abs, dental-porn
smiles and big butt-sexy brown eyes plastered all over the television, big screen, and internet.
Who am I talking about? Matt Bomer, Zachary Quinto, Neil Patrick Harris, Anderson
Cooper, Dustin Lance Black and the list goes on and on.
I suppose an argument can be made for the relatively groundbreaking homeliness of Clay
Aiken but if you google him long enough (and who hasn’t by now #amiriteladies?) you’ll
stumble upon his underwear modeling (ex?) boyfriend’s basically 10 inch dick which by
my estimation, cancels that all out. And of course it goes without saying that all of these
people are white which completes today’s portrait of the “out and proud” gay man with the
exception of say, Ricky Martin and oh, I don’t know, Don Lemon (of CNN fame), who,
because it’s Black History Month I will begrudgingly acknowledge is also really hot in that
Senator Harry Reid-light-skinned-no-negro-dialect-child-molestation-bravely-chronicled-in-
a-memoir kind of way.
Anyway, I love all of these people. Generally. This is not really about denigrating our
oppressively hot gay men because in the end, no matter how much pleasure I’d take in
slicing up their pretty little faces with a piece of broken glass, they are doing the very
important work of bringing greater visibility, attention, and compassion to the diverse
problems facing LGBT people in this country. At least I hope they are or else I’m going to
have to kill myself.
All I’m really saying is that we need more gay male Chewbaccas! We need more Barney
Franks! We need more cutting edge AIDS researchers who cry themselves to sleep every
night when guys “check them out” on OKCupid but never send a message because their
profile pictures cause mirrors to shatter into a million pieces! I, personally need someone
I can look up to as I struggle to be a 30-something perennially single, broke-ass gay, black
man working a dead end job while looking desperately for love in the most competitively gay
city in the world knowing that since I’m fat and ugly, I’m destined to die alone as surely as I
know that even in death, my aforementioned 7 cats will each have hot, super fit boyfriends
named Ryan at their sides as Dan Savage and Steffani Germanotta presents them with
GLAAD Media Awards for their unfailing commitment and dedication to preventing the
suicides of white gay teenagers all over the United States.
Michael R. Jackson holds a BFA in playwriting from the NYU Tisch School of the
Arts’ Dramatic Writing Program and an MFA in Musical Theatre Writing from the
Tisch School’s Musical Theatre Writing Program. As a songwriter, he has seen his
work performed at Merkin Hall, The Barrington Stage Company, The Laurie Beechman
Theater, The Triad, Ars Nova, Joe’s Pub, The Metropolitan Room, The Bruno Walter
Library at Lincoln Center, and ACT in Seattle. He wrote music and lyrics for the short
musical Childhood Sweethearts with playwright Jonathan Marc Sherman for the 24 Hour
Musicals to benefit The Orchard Project and worked as the bookwriter/lyricist on the
musical Only Children with composer Rachel Peters courtesy of the Tisch School of the
Arts Undergraduate Drama Department at NYU. Check him out ON FACEBOOK and ON YOUTUBE.