May 6, 2013

Todd Dakotah Briscoe

A McDonald’s in New Zealand has come under media scrutiny after an employee was told he was acting too gay and was asked not to “turn” customers gay.

Bitch, please.  Do you see who’s been reppin’ your company?

Let’s break this shit down.  McDonald’s has usually been associated with overweight Midwesterners, but let’s face facts. McDonald’s is gayer than Liza Minelli in a guest spot on Glee while I’m getting a blowjob from Vin Diesel.

RuPaul is searching for her Next Drag Superstar?  Apparently, she didn’t try the ballpit at the her local fast-food chain.  Ronald McDonald is there—up to the neck in balls.

It’s ballsy for this fast-food chain to choose a drag queen for its spokesperson.  It’s even ballsier that Ronald is still rocking that Marcia-Wallace-circa-Newhart wig, and that the bitch won’t even spring for a lace-front. 

And why the yellow overalls?  After 40 years in the business why is Ronald McDonald still acting all Butch-Queen-First-Time-at-The-Ball when she should be serving us some filet-o-fish?

Learn how to beat your face, booger. I can see your contouring a mile away. Your face is the one thing allowed to be SICKENING at a McDonald’s.

And what a classic fag-hag.  Look at the girl.  She’s so excited to go to Therapy with you on Friday night.  Hell, she even finds the unisex bathrooms fun!  She may end the night  before you head over to Posh because that place gets to crowded, and also you seem to be hitting it off with the guy you’re with, also she hasn’t watched Scandal this week, but she’ll text you tomorrow regarding brunch?

Birdie knows all the words to “Let’s have a Kiki!” and she can down a whole 20 piece McNuggets by herself.

I repeat: Butch-Queen-First-Time-At-A-Ball. 

Grimace comes from a sheltered community in the South so as soon as he moved to New York and he felt comfortable wearing bright colors, he went ALL out saying, “I never got to wear purple at home, but now look at me!”

It’s a bit much, but he’s expressing himself. And sure, you want to stop him from wondering in to those shops on  8^th Ave and 20^th, but he’s gotta experience for himself.

After he gets crabs from someone he met at The Cock, he will loosen up, put the poppers away and grow up a little. 

Or discover meth?

Let’s break this one down, hunties.

Sunhat. Moomoo. Cape. Eye Mask. Paula Poundstone Tie.

Also- horizontal stripes?  All T. All Shade.

Finally?  This is something I legitimately own:

March 27, 2013

Janani Sreenivasan - Guest Writer

In addition to being a crucial day in American family law – the
day California’s Proposition 8 went before the United States Supreme Court
- March 26, 2013 was also one of the most extraordinary days ever recorded in the history of
Western visual art.

The logo of the LGBT lobby Human Rights Campaign, or HRC,

awed by the prospect of marriage equality for all couples, and longing for the as-
yet-unexperienced wonders of the marriage bed, felt a gentle, pinkening flush of
virginal desire.

Over the hours, the logo encountered much loving support, and some bitchery.

“You look like a robot with a unibrow,” said some.

“You look like a pair of sad, lonely beds,” said others. “You look like an electrical
outlet. Why are you so focused on marriage?”

The logo reflected. It considered the criticism from radical queer communities of
the mainstream LGBT movement’s hyperfocus on marriage and family structures
favored by heterosexuals. The logo wondered whether gay marriage truly
represented progress for all, or would simply reinforce structural inequalities
between those who chose marriage and those who did not.

Its mind began to bend.

Mark Rothko, on a vacation from the underworld, stopped by with his paints.
Unaware of the logo’s inner turmoil, and enthusiastic about the day’s events, he
began to touch it up to his taste.

On second thought, mused Rothko, taking out more colors, why not
marriage between more than two people?

The logo, now a little exhausted from these revisions, began to wish the day
would end. But its journey was not over yet. Attracted by the logo’s notoriety, and
sensing an opportunity, a major company came calling.

“We have a perfect record with the Human Rights Campaign,” it whispered. “Let
us fix you up a little.”

Curious, the logo consented.

Upon looking in the mirror, the logo felt feelings it had never felt before:

Confidence.

A sense of arrival.

The pleasure of having sweet curves.

It flexed and turned a little, and its reflection changed to this:

And the logo found itself good.

Meanwhile, the green square representing the plight of Hollywood’s visual effects
artists, so popular just a few weeks before, sat in a corner, trying to think of a
way to get back in the limelight.

But as hard as it racked its brain, it could think of only one place it might fit in:

…

February 15, 2013

Andrew R. Butler

Benedict XVI is only the third pope to ever resign from the position, so there isn’t much precedent for post-pope behavior. Here’s what we think he’ll be up to now that he doesn’t have to wory about all that poping around.

• Become the shadow pope! (All the power, none of the annoying speaking engagements.)
• Look into Wicca
• Just literally pray all day. Like, wake up, pray, eat, pray, eat, pray, eat, pray, sleep, as if his life were a significantly less interesting Elizabeth Gilbert novel
• Finally get caught up on GIRLS
• Gardening (I hear he’ll be living in the Vatican garden. No joke. In a tent? There’s a garden house? Who knows.)
• Train Luke Skywalker to fulfill his destiny and restore peace to the galaxy
• Put on the pope hat when no one is looking
• Sigh and shake his head ever so slightly whenever he makes eye contact with the new pope
• Re-read Harry Potter a bunch
• Finally get on top of his twitter game
• Add false embarrassing childhood details to the new pope’s Wikipedia page
• Cannoli, lots
• Bunga Bunga parties with Berlusconi
• Mutter “more like the dope” soft enough that only the new pope can hear him
• Watch Matlock and reminisce about the Second Vatican Council just like every other retiree

February 12, 2013

Matthew Robert Gehring

…

Check out the state of Political Subversities romantic union(s) in this week’s PoliSub Talks video about Valentine’s Day! CLICK HERE to watch!

December 31, 2012

Jerry Polner - Guest Writer

Today the leadership of both the House of Representatives and the Senate announced jointly
that it had solved the problem of the budget sequester, which would have mandated huge cuts
in spending on defense, Medicare, and a bunch of other stuff that they couldn’t read about
because they’re old and the print is too small.

“Originally, this was a bill to reverse Daylight Savings Time,” said Senate Republican Leader
Mitch McConnell. “A lot of people were complaining to us that the time change was wreaking
havoc with their TiVo and they were really suffering. So we knew we had to take strong action.”

It was at that point that Congress realized that if it could set the time back by one hour, there
was no reason to stop there. “And that’s when we came up with a great idea,” said Senate
Majority Leader Harry Reid. “Why not just make it 2011 again. That way, we have another two
years before we have to deal with the fiscal cliff or the sequester or the debt ceiling or any of
that stuff. So we can just quibble about it some more, hold more press conferences, and avoid
doing anything, which is what we really enjoy doing.”

According to the terms of the agreement, all of the 2012 election results will still hold, but
Hurricane Sandy will be erased, and Beyonce will have another chance to beat out Taylor Swift
for the Grammy. “It’s not a perfect deal,” said Democratic House Leader Nancy Pelosi, “But it
makes me two years younger, so what the hell.”

Speaker John Boehner got the last word, noting, “It’s just like I’ve been saying all along. Our
problem is not that we don’t have enough revenue. Our problem is that we don’t know how to
tell time.”

…

Jerry Polner is a writer of sketches, parodies, and stage plays.  His script FIX NUMBER SIX, was chosen by the Boomerang Theatre Company to be presented as part of its First Flight reading series, and it was recently published by Next Stage Press.  Jerry’s short plays FLORENCE FAREWELL, GONE WITH THE MASHA, THANK YOU FOR APPLYING, and SAUTE YOUR FACE were produced by the Brooklyn Playwrights Collective at the Manhattan Theatre Source, the Brecht Forum, the Greek Cultural Center, Under Minerva, the Williamsburg Art and History Center, and Galapogos Artspace.  He has contributed to the McSweeney’s web site, and his play WEATHERMAN was published by Samuel French and has been performed by high school groups around the country.  Jerry’s comedy sketch script “Fugitive Math Teachers” was one of the winning entries in Break Media’s Break.com Video Contest.  Jerry’s web site, RadicalGags.com, is a political comedy sketch site for grassroots activists and people who should be. 

December 9, 2012

Kim Blanck

In Florida’s vast Everglades National Park, there reside tens of thousands of Burmese pythons. As a devout fearer of snakes, shipwrecks, and the sound of the toilet flushing in the middle of the night, this sounds like my worst nightmare. Turns out, it’s Florida’s too: these huge snakes are chomping up endangered species, like the adorable-sounding Key Largo wood rat. Plus, a report released in January of this year states that the numbers of raccoons, opossums and bobcats in South Florida’s famed River of Grass have dropped as much as 99%.

These pythons like to eat.

So the Sunshine State is tackling its Burmese python problem in a truly Floridian way: by holding a hunting contest. According to the Python Challenge rules, a grand prize of $1,500 will be awarded to the person who kills the most pythons. Additionally, $1,000 will go to the person who kills the longest one.

I don’t know about you, but I’d need WAY more than $1,500 to even consider wading through the Everglades with the hope of encountering a slew of Burmese pythons. Do you know how huge these beasts are? A few months ago, a seventy-six pound deer was found in the stomach of one of these snakes. 

A FUCKING DEER. That snake just swallowed it whole.

The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission wants to offer me, like, one month’s rent in a shitty studio apartment in some weird neighborhood of Manhattan in exchange for hunting down the winning number of Burmese pythons in a vast area of wetland? I will CERTAINLY die. No, thank you.  I would need at least $10 million on the line. At least.

Also, Florida, who am I? Who am I to slap a gun to my back, pull on some rubber boots, and walk around shooting snakes in the head? This is not me. I like to sit at a coffee shop and read Real Simple on my iPad. The most adventurous thing I’ve ever done has probably been going to Paris with my dad last summer. I definitely don’t think I am the kind of person to go tromping through marshes on the hunt for a 17-foot long, 164-lb. snake. 

It’s a good thing you have those people living nearby, though. 

Florida, best of luck on the Python Challenge. I hope more snakes die than crazy people.

…

Check out Political Subversities LIVE at Ars Nova on December 12th and 13th! Info and tickets HERE. 

November 25, 2012

Shaina Taub

You may remember hearing several weeks ago that seven current members of the Navy’s elite SEAL Team Six, including one involved in the raid that killed Osama bin Laden, have received punishments for having served as paid consultants for the video game “Medal of Honor: Warfighter.” The SEALs were punished for having violated their nondisclosure agreements and for having revealed tactics, techniques and procedures.

And now, just a few weeks later, it turns out these seven SEALS weren’t the only ones on their ranks to sell out their secrets for entertainment purposes. Three members of the prestigious Navy team were punished for divulging classified information to the collaborative team behind the upcoming Broadway musical, ‘SEAL TEAM SIXSICAL! THE MUSICAL!’. 

When previews of the show began on Tuesday, a senior Navy official happened to be in the audience, and spoke to us on the condition of anonymity. “My wife got tickets - I thought we were seeing Book of Mormon! Imagine my surprise when the curtain rose on a chorus line of dancing boys in uniform, performing our most classified drills, in tap shoes no less! And the lyrics to the act two opener, ‘Manhunt’ divulge addresses to top al Qaeda operative’s compounds. It’s an outrage, but I can’t stop humming the damn tune!”

At a press conference held yesterday, the chief producer of the musical commented, “Those lovely SEAL guys shouldn’t be punished - their story deserves to be told! Hollywood’s doing it, video games are doing it - and what better venue than on a Broadway stage. Plus, it drives recruitment! How wonderful if some high school theater club geeks join up in the armed forces after having seen our show? Lord knows this business has enough hopefuls as it is - better for them to pursue a career with a higher survival rate than trying to make it in musical theater!”

Songs from the musical include: ‘Somalia? (I Hardly Know Her!), ‘The Raid Rag’, ‘You Just Got Seal Team Six-ed’ and ‘Osama bin Laden Dream Ballet’.

The director of the musical, Julie Taymor, could not be reached for comment.

…

Check out Political Subversities live at Ars Nova in NYC on December 12th and 13th!

November 21, 2012

Andrew R. Butler

French magazine l’Express has accused the US of hacking the computer network used by senior French officials in the last days of Nicholas Sarkozy’s term. They allege US spies used a sophisticated malware that gave them almost unlimited access to files, data and even control of microphones in officials’ PCs.

Here is what our nation’s cyber-espionage experts learned:

• French officials are ever more resistant to US foreign policy in the Middle East and may cease cooperating with US efforts.
• Sarkozy never finished Diablo II, but he got close.
• Rising tensions with Spain have led military officials to recommend prepping forces for border patrol in case of the collapse of the Spanish government.
• 85% of French officials still have that screen saver that looks like you’re travelling on a space ship and stars are passing by.
• Most French officials store pornography on their computer, but that’s not unusual or even secret for French officials. Their porn folders are usually stored on the desktop and are labelled things like “porno lesbienne” “porno asiatique avec tentacule” and “porno fétichisme des pieds.” Despite the seeming openness, the titles were hiding the fact that everyone’s folders contained only German pornography.
• There’s a guy in the office named Bernard that everyone hates, like HATES.
• Suzette is going to Thailand for holiday this year, but her boyfriend isn’t going. Did they split up? And who’s going to Thailand with her? Are there any baguettes in the break room? The Champs-Élysées is such a shit-show this time of year. You have some brie on your tie. Ya, that’s not coming out.
• General fears about the transition to a new administration led to the destruction of several important and potentially incriminating documents, such as print outs of those topless pictures of Kate Middleton, several copies of the movie Amelie, and the office subscription to Oui! Magazine.
• They really do eat frogs. Like, just, eating frogs, NBD, for lunch, like, in a crepe or whatever.
• Suzette broke up with her boyfriend because she was cheating on him with Bernard!!!! I KNOW. C’est un loser, but I guess Suzette doesn’t want to go to Thailand alone. C’est la vie! Où est la bibliothèque? Comment allez-vous? Quel est ce chat? J’aime la tour eiffel! Oo la la oui oui oui!

So far the story hasn’t been verified but according to l’Express, U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano wouldn’t confirm or deny the accusation of espionage.