November 5, 2012

nicHi douglas

Oprah Winfrey and Ariana Huffington recently joined forces in the merger of OWN on HuffPo.  

Ms. Huffington has given fearsome goddess, force-to-be-reckoned-with, business tycoon Ms. Winfrey her own page on Ms. Huffington’s wildly popular news website and electronic platform.  Ms. Winfrey’s page can be found under the Life & Style heading, titled very simply: OWN.  OWN has its own spin-off pages as well, spanning from “Eating Well” and “Live Happier” to “Relationships” and “Simply Your Life.”  This merger is the last and most blatant in a recent series of female-related attempts to take over the world.

Women have been steadily, stealthily, and collectively planting the seeds of global domination for decades now.  From Golda Meir and Ellen Johnson Sirleaf in the global political sector to Rosie O’Donnell and Barbara Walters in the television realm and Honey Boo Boo … just to fuck with everyone.  Women have been conspiring via menstru-kinesis (which is the power to read another woman’s mind when you’re on the same menstrual cycle).  Women feared their plan would be too obvious when Hilary Clinton announced her bid for candidacy in 2008.  But, as Royal Queen of the Women, Hilary persuaded the female masses to trust her; and women listened to Ms. Clinton because, as everyone knows, she has the biggest vagina.

And so women have continued their efforts, slyly, as under-the-radar as they can be.  Though Michelle Obama has been a bit of a loose canon, going rogue on many attempts in her race for worldwide heart rate synchronization, Kate Middleton has stepped in with a bare breast or two to throw men off.  But this Winfrey-Huffington web merger, Mindy Kaling’s The Mindy Project and the upcoming birthday of Blue Ivy Carter are about to align to create a storm of Hurricane Sandy proportions.

What will happen next?  When will the master plan be put into enactment?  Who is in charge of the tampons?

Updates will be presented as they arrive.

Speaking of coming …

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In NYC on election day? Come to the show we’re hosting on ELECTION NIGHT for a full line-up of comedy, music and election updates at The PIT (123East24th) Details here.

September 20, 2012

nicHi douglas

Apparently some Ivy League somebody verified the authenticity of some ancient scrap of papyrus stating that maybe Jesus had a wife.  This information is particularly interesting to the holier-than-thou hypocritical so and so’s in the Catholic sector who claim that Jesus’s single-dom and celibacy is the basis for their priestly practices.  I just can’t imagine that the reality of whether or not Jesus had a wife will have any real impact on my life. I live in the now.  Where people actually have wives.  And husbands.  And sometimes, if you’re in the right state, you get a two-for.  I’m not anti-religion, or anti-history for that matter, but shouldn’t the geniuses from Harvard and Princeton set their sights on more pressing issues in our current non-mythical world? Like cancer. And Right-wing Republicans. 

And so I present to you, What If Jesus Had a Wife (and Other Hypothetical Historical Inquiries):

  What if Jesus had a wife?

  What if Shakespeare wasn’t one man, but a group of writers?

  What if Mussolini had a cat?

  What if Gandhi secretly ate like six or seven vegetable samosas while he was “fasting”?

  What if former President J. Edgar Hoover was a closeted gay man?

  What if Rosa Parks was partially deaf and in a deep sleep with her eyes open?

  What if Malcolm X was only willing to work for equality by two or three means?

  What if Jack Kerouac never actually set off on the road with his friends? 

  What if young Michael Jackson and ol’ white Michael were two different people?

Why hypothesize the past to influence the present? I investigate the present to influence the future.

VOTE BIEBER 2012.

August 24, 2012

nicHi douglas

Texas Judge Tom Head told Fox News that he fears that the reelection of Obama will result in an American civil war. What an insensitive thing to say, what with the actual civil war taking place in Syria right now.  Not only is it insensitive, it’s preposterous. Judge Head thinks that this:

Will lead to this:

That these folks:

Would let this happen:

This guy:

Causing this:

Call me naïve, but I don’t buy it.

but I’d buy Bieber.  for like $300.

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Political Subversities’ last live show of the summer is tomorrow, August 25th, at 9:30! Come check us out live! Tickets HERE. 

July 27, 2012

nicHi douglas

Chinese citizen Fei Lin had his penis severed and stolen. Political Subversities located the missing member to bring you the penis’ side of the story in his own words.

It was late.  Fei had fallen asleep and so had I.  I laid my head to rest in the fine but multitudinous thicket of hair I call home.  Life in my Niqiao village, in between the pale, pale thighs of a middle-aged Asian man, was easy.  Or so I thought.  Suddenly, Fei was up and moving, being pushed this way and that.  And then I was viciously exposed, without any warning or provocation.  I’m used to a gentle tugging, at least, and being called upon by my Chinese name, Hen xiao-Dan jilie (meaning “tiny but fierce”).  I was offered none of these niceties, as a frail masked man leaned in toward me with a glimmering dagger and a million dollar smile.  I wriggled and writhed about; I wasn’t about to go down without a fight.  I went limp, hard, limp, hard; I tried everything to thwart the villain’s plans.  Yet, it was all to no avail.  I was sliced cleanly off. 

I couldn’t believe that Fei didn’t panic or scream, until the bandit had stolen me away about 30 yards. That’s when I heard Fei yell out in agony.  I screamed out, too, and the thief almost dropped me from the moisture.  Later, out of Fei’s ear shot, I was placed in an icy chamber.  At first I was shocked, still traumatized from the hasty and violent separation.  But then my anatomy acclimated to the temperature and I found myself quite relaxed.  I am ashamed to say it, but I enjoyed the cool.  Because, you know … the balls.  They are so hot. 

Life here has been strange, to say the least.  I live in an ice cold, oxygenated, apothecary jar now.  And here I sit, accompanied by no one, on a shelf, in a room, occupied by absolutely nothing else.  With nothing to do, and no one’s attention to gain, I am left to ponder the criminal’s motive.  But I’ve always shot blanks, so each idea is less useful than the last.  All I can wonder is WHY?

What would Justin Bieber want with an Asian penis?

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Enjoy nicHi’s penis parable? Check her out in Political Subversities’ live show every Saturday, 9:30 in NYC! Click HERE for tickets!

July 15, 2012

nicHi douglas

     Dear Brooklyn, 

NO. 

     Love,

Everyone Who Lives in Brooklyn and Hates That You’re Changing the Name of the Atlantic-Pacific Station to Atlantic-Barclays Center

YES.

June 30, 2012

nicHi douglas

Hillary Clinton, you guys.  Whoa, right?  That bitch is still around. Like a lot.  She’s all, “I’m Secretary of State. I advocate for Diminished Poverty and Peace for Women. I fly around in my own Air Force Boeing 757 a lot.”  Actually, she does fly around a lot. IN FACT, she is the only Secretary of State to have flown to 100 countries!  Standing ovation.  But curb your enthusiasm for one second to receive this next tidbit: apparently, the last Secretary only flew to 96 countries.  Jeezus, what an underachiever. High five, Hillary.  Do your thang!  But, isn’t it just like our girl, Hill, anyway: being a super-ballsy, take-no-prisoners, trailblazer?  The woman sets records; she makes history. The only thing is, the 100^th country she landed in was … Latvia.  Ugh, I know. What is a “Latvia”?  Is it apart of the human female vag-natomy? Where is Latvia?  Is Latvia one of those countries that used to be called something else, like Burma or Mesopotamia? Look, I’m excited for Hillary.  I support her in everything she does.  I vote for her at every election, whether her name appears on the ballot or not.  But … the bottom line is … Latvia is WHACK.   I can think of ten places cooler to fly on your 100^th flight than Latvia.

TOP 10 SUPERIOR 100^th FLIGHT DESTINATIONS

10. London—duh, who doesn’t want to be apart of the Olympic hubbub?!? Can you say “Rhythmic Gymnastics”?$?$?

9. All movie theatres in the country on July 3rd—punch every sad, ugly loser who says that Emma Stone is “hot” in the chest. Because that is officially the most boring assessment on the planet.

8. NBA Finals—I heard the Heat shredded Oklahoma like wheat. #RealRhymesRorRealTimes  #LateSportsUpdate

7. Anywhere in Africa—just, you know, because it looks good in print.

6.  Greece—just, you know, because SHIT HAS REALLY HIT THE FAN over there.

5. Nantucket—it is lovely this time of year.

4. Every single woman over 20’s house/apt/condo—assure us that Nora Ephron’s tragic death is not a metaphor for our love lives.

3. The set of The Today Show—tell popular host Ann Curry that her tearful farewell address was pathetic.  So, you’re leaving The Today Show, Ann Curry? So what?  Some women have left national races for presidency.

2.  Brooklyn—I know a couple of feminist lesbians who could show you a GOOD time. That’s all I’m gonna say. 

1.   Justin Bieber’s sweet, sweet arms.  He’ll sing you a song and rock you to sleep.  And let’s face it, Hillary: no one has attempted to warm the cockles of your iced out punani in 13 years.

every time Justin winks a unicorn is born.

June 2, 2012

nicHi douglas

Well, laaa deee daaahhh.  Facebook went public.  What an exciting prospect for all of us quick-thinking, entrepreneurial, financial savants!  But I wonder: who among us regular Joe’s purchased the well-priced stock? “A mere $38?  Let me call my broker!” might have been a statement to shout.  Not I, however. I shouted nothing.  I haven’t the means to purchase “another round,” let alone stock in Facebook. Who among us regular Joe’s can explain NASDAQ, or even tell us what those letters stand for?  Not I.  But I don’t have to be a money-man to know that the financial geniuses behind Facebook’s public stock debut weren’t such geniuses after all.  Because that mere $38 I fawned over earlier is now (as of Tuesday) an even more slight $28.  And if my middle school stock exchange project taught me anything, “dropping” and “low” are not good words in the “market.”

But don’t worry, Mark Zuckerberg!  The market is shifty! Andthere are still plenty of things that are lower than your sad, measly, $79 billion company shares.

10 THINGS LOWER THAN FACEBOOK’S PUBLIC SHARES:

1.  James Earl Jones’ voice in the morning 

2.  A limbo stick at a gymnast’s birthday party 

3.  The amount of income necessary to qualify for the Harlem River Housing projects 

4.  A group of black people dancing at that part in the “Cha-Cha Slide” 

5.  My ears after I tied them in a knot and I tied them in bow

6.  Cee “Lo” Green in a basement 

7.  My spirit after discovering not one but several Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup wrappers in my bed sheets 

8.  The amount of carbs in Jessica Simpson’s new pre-wedding diet 

9.   A pair of jeans on a gangsta midget

10.  The likelihood that any average person anywhere will ever taste the benefits of Facebook going public.

11.  My panties when I catch a glimpse of this fresh face.

May 3, 2012

nicHi douglas

I am on a number of socially conscious listservs that update me on the ludicrousness of our beloved country. I receive weekly email updates from Moveon.org, Change.org, Changemakers.com, Wiserearth.org, and Ammado.com.  Needless to say, I’m really in the know.  That, however, doesn’t change my shock and dismay when I am proverbially slapped in the face by news.

I received an email recently that detailed the arrest of a young woman for having an emotional fit. And when I say “young woman,” I mean 6-year-old Salecia Johnson. And when I say “emotional fit,” I mean a temper tantrum.

To this I say: it’s about time!  As a childcare professional, I’m tired of young children thinking they can get away with mindless foot stomping and paperback book throwing.  Cuff ‘em! Cuff and book ‘em all.  Make an example of Salecia, because lord knows other 6-year-olds saw the news segment about her that week.

I did some research on this issue—arresting babies—and was amazed to have found other instances of this in the past.  Here are the Top 6 Arrests of Persons Under 10 years old:

6.  4-year old Francis Miller was held in custody for 17 hours without a nap for incessant thumb-sucking.

5.  5-year-old Tilly Barlowe was fined $2,500 and given 40 hours of community service for resistance to sit “criss-cross applesauce”. 

4.  3-year-old Tricia Minksy was charged with forgery after Everybody Paint Time.  Jackson Pollock was a visionary.  How dare she attempt to imitate.

 3.  13-month-old Gus Gottlieb was charged with deception for peeing in the face of the childcare facilitator who was changing his diaper. When someone asks you if you’re done peeing, you say yes and mean it.

2. 7-year-old Tayona Lavoste was put in solitary confinement for giving the police false information.  Where’d you really get the money? The “Tooth Fairy”?!?!  Ha! Jail! 

1. Little Diallo Amadou reached into his diaper to scratch his butt. Luckily the police fired off 41 shots before Diallo could finish; who knows what he could’ve been reaching for!

Let’s teach children that they should fear the police. Not for the more acceptable reasoning that poor conduct will put you in jail.  Rather, because the police are an unpredictable group of hormonally imbalanced, socio-destructive, back-ass-ward savages.

They say it takes a village to raise a child. And it does. An angry, police village.

I want Justin in my village.  (yes, “village” is a euphemism for …)

March 21, 2012

nicHi douglas

As information surfaces on the murder of yet another innocent black man—this one barely a man (17-year-old Trayvon Martin)—I feel it is necessary to inform all of our Black readers of the reasons we find ourselves getting murdered in droves.  We very simply must stop doing the things that trigger White people’s warranted, non-discriminatory fears. I’ve compiled an unimpressively short list below, but I’d heed every word of it if I were Black. I am Black. 

THINGS THAT MAKE BLACK PEOPLE LOOK SUSPICIOUS:

Hoodies in any color

Cellular Phones or Bluetooth devices

The Night

Holding things in our hands, which could be anything including a bag of Skittles, a wallet, an Iced Tea, keys, someone else’s hand, air molecules

Age

Walking at any pace anywhere

Being Alone

 So, I think I get it. Black people should travel in the daytime in large groups, holding absolutely nothing, and wearing nothing but our smooth, brown, glorious skin.  And we shouldn’t have any discernible age or participate in modern communication technology. Cool.  Sounds like a manageable social experiment to me.  As long as I can continue to study the musical science of Professor Bieber on my iPod Touch, I don’t give a F&%$.

March 8, 2012

nicHi douglas

Dear Lord,

Hi, it’s me, Rick. Rick Santorum.  Lord, I am praying for some answers. I’ve been struggling lately and I really need an explanation. How is it possible that Catholic voters don’t like me?  I’m Catholic!  I’ve put my religion at the forefront of my campaign!  What’s the big idea here?  Jesus!  … is your son and a wonderful man.  Look, Lord, tell me what I need to do.  Show me a sign or something.  Because the only sign I have right now is that Romney and Gingrich are having better outcomes in the polls with Catholic voters than I am.  I mean, for Christ’s sake!??!?!  For … Christ’s sake …I lift this prayer in your name, oh powerful and matchless Lord …

It’s just really hard for me to understand why this campaign race is so difficult.  Why is it not possible to perfectly predict how and for whom people will vote?  You’ve blessed me in so many ways, Lord: my wife, my seven children, my boatloads of cash.  My hair. 

Why won’t you just give me this one last thing?  Oh, please???  Please??!?!  Waaaah.  Waaahhhhh!  WAAHHHHHHHHH!  Arrgh, I’m sorry, Lord. Let me pull it together.  I thank you for life and stuff.  Praise you, etc.

Look, one of my kids has a birthday coming up.  Would it be weird if I got him one of those new Hallmark Justin Bieber cards?

Amen.