Political Subversities

Oh Snap, Y’all! Latino Mormons Do Exist!

February 24, 2012

nicHi Douglas

Apparently Mitt Romney’s campaign for the Republican presidential nomination does not include any changes in the nation’s standpoint on immigration. In fact, Romney’s standpoint on immigration is quite harsh. This wouldn’t be of any concern to your average Mormon pro-Romney voter. Unless, of course, that voter were an immigrant.

Latino Mormons are speaking out against Romney’s strict immigration ideas, holding firesides and rallies to convince other Mormons that Romney’s anti-immigration stance is also anti-Mormon. They say that the Book of Mormon is full of immigration stories, so Romney is being anti-Mormon in his views.

I say … WHEN THE FUCK DID LATINO MORMONS SURFACE? From what mystical waters did these Latino Mormons float? Out of which far off galaxy did these Latino Mormons fall? Into whose presidential campaign will these Latino Mormons run amuck? MITT ROMNEY’S, that’s whose.

To Latino Mormons I say, “Welcome!” I am so glad you have come out of hiding. The road ahead of you will not be easy. As an incongruous member of society, the media will bear down on you like a bird of prey. I can only speak for myself, as a college-educated, registered voter, non-pregnant, early-twenties Black woman. When I made my presence known, I found myself teaching in every corner of every Harlem charter school there is. Just look at Maya Angelou. That bat wrote a coupla well-rhymed feminist poems and the nation sat her on an ebony throne of glory.

Naahhh, I’m just kidding. Maya Angelou is GOD. But for real, I’m nervous about these Latino Mormons. Who knows what spicy magic they’ve been cooking, whispering sneaky Mormon prayers as they press corn arepas with a mortar and pestle. God, what if Mitt wins?! Or, what if the media forces him to reveal his birth certificate and it is revealed that he was born in New Mexico, eerily close to the border??! Or, what if he goes on to be elected president of this great nation and pulls off his face mask during his acceptance speech to reveal George Lopez!??!?!

or … OR …!?! OR … !!! What if Latino Mormons reveal Romney for the sad sack of garbage and idiocy that he represents, saving the country from the failed presidency that he would no doubt lead?

I’d ask all of my Mormon wives to get that haircut.

When I Get Healthcare I’ll Health Care (about dogs)

February 7, 2012

nicHi Douglas

Let me preface this by saying that I don’t have anything against dogs. They’re sweet, loyal companions and have often proven to be more dependable than human friends. But, I’d smack a dog square in the jaw before I began to care more about its health than mine. Why on earth was the front page article of Healthy Living on Huffington Post dedicated to doggy health? I raced to HuffPost Healthy Living for tips on how to have a stress-free Valentine’s Day—because I’m single and that shit is haunting me. Instead, I was met with facts about canine oral hygiene.

Look, I love dogs. I raised a Seeing Eye dog. I have seen a dog’s capacity for fidelity and courageousness first-hand. However, I would shave a Sheepdog bare before I considered buying it a toothbrush instead of buying one for myself. You want me to brush a dog’s teeth? Buy special dental bones? Doggy dentures? Shop for Pet Insurance policies?

da FUCK? I don’t even have health insurance. As I lay myself to sleep each night, I pray that when I wake in the morning nothing is wrong with me, nothing that would require real medical attention. Because, in this country, physical weakness incurs fees upwards of $2,000. But it’s all quite simple. I know what would help me have some extra dough for my dog’s health concerns: Universal (human) Healthcare. Free. Care for you, care for me, no lines at the doctor’s office—I hate lines. With universal healthcare, I could pet my dog endlessly with no fear of carpel tunnel; cuz I could just get a brace for that wrist in the morning at the doctor’s office, free of charge! Now how’s that for love?!?