April 27, 2013

Akilah Hughes - Guest Writer

Imagine waking up before your alarm, getting ready, and leaving 5 minutes before the designated up and at’em time. You’ve got a spring in your step, you can stop for coffee before getting into work, and your boss won’t have any additional reasons to yell at you today.

Imagine, then, that you miss your first train by 10 seconds. This train comes every 5 minutes, so maybe you’ll make it right on time…

You don’t.

The train doesn’t come for 25 minutes. After boarding the train, you hear the conductor announce that the train is now “express” and will be skipping your stop and going about 5 stops ahead of your transfer.

Shit.

You finally make it back to your first transfer when you are met with a similar fate: another 10 minutes of waiting for any sign of life (other than rats) on the tracks. The train shows up, and it is full beyond capacity, and to your chagrin, no one emerges! You have to wait for the next train…

Yes, seriously.

Another 12 minutes pass and you can finally board the train to the next transfer, where you will be held at every turn for “train traffic.” How can there be “train traffic” if you are stopping for an extra 3 minutes at every station? 

FUCKKKKKK.

This is the harsh reality almost every day for millions of New Yorkers. Imagine, then, how polite you’d be if in addition to being super late for wherever you’re headed, a tourist decides to stop in front of you in the middle of the sidewalk to take a picture of a building that will be there in 5 minutes once you’ve passed. This is the plight of the New Yorker. I’m sure in the early days of NYC people were sweeter and more hospitable, but over time they could no longer fake their amusement at your incessant need to pull out a map or stop to talk to the characters in Times Square.

So the next time you think, “God these New Yorkers are so rude!” —Have a little empathy.

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Akilah is a 23-year old hot mess studying improv at UCB. She’s sometimes a Barack Obama Tribute Band and other times a blogger at Its Akilah, Obviously , vlogger at Smoothiefreak , and @kiwirabbitfru on Twitter!

March 3, 2013

Akilah Hughes - Guest Writer

With reports swirling that the flu vaccine was less effective than expected this year, there’s no better time to get the flu in NYC. You’re not gonna miss much since the sun no longer shines and the temperature rarely approaches 50 degrees, so why not enjoy a staycation with your cough syrup and humidifier? Here are the steps to take to get your flu on:

1. Get the flu. It shouldn’t be too hard to succumb to germs considering you have to touch no less than 26 surfaces in the single motion of swiping your Metrocard. Rest assured that every surface you are doomed to make contact with has been sneezed, coughed, licked, and vomited on by upwards of 5 people that have never had any vaccination shots. Fingers crossed for flu instead of polio; this is the melting pot you signed up for.

2. Call-In Sick. This is the tricky part, as most employers aren’t so sympathetic to those with weak immune systems. Don’t make the mistake of calling in one day and then going in the next because you feel bad. Chances are good you’ll be back at home on the 3^rd day and that is a rookie mistake that makes you look sloppy. You want the most out of this flu? Stay the course and stay at home.

3. Take Meds. Judging by the newfound literal pain in your neck (or throat, more accurately) you’re pretty sure that this is some strain of the flu and not, in fact, cholera. Half the fun of having the flu is getting to use a delicious cocktail of syrups, capsules, drops, and salves. Lord knows you aren’t cool enough to drink actual “sizzurp” but you can use your cough syrup ‘scrip and Sprite to get your flu party started! Also, avoiding flu treatment is looked down on by almost all health professionals, so please consume some form of medicine.

4. Build and Review Your Netflix Queue. Aww yiss. Remember that $8 a month streaming-video service of which you’ve been too busy to partake? It’s time. Scroll through page upon page of the “Heartfelt Independent Movies” or “Dysfunctional Family Dramas” recommendation pages just to pass the time. Heads up: Rock-a-doodle is on Instant Play. You’re welcome.

5. Watch Your Tissue Pile Build. Even the Egyptians would find your toilet paper pyramids impressive. You can always clean (or not) when you’re well again.

6. Sleep Marathon. Take one of your 5-7 days to just sleep, drink fluids, take medicine, and go back to sleep. See how long you can spend in bed without doing so much as checking your cell phone.

7. Let Regret Fill You. Uh-oh. While your week was a blast, now’s the time to snap back to reality and consider how you can finish all the stuff that’s been on hold this week. Maybe you’ll have to invest an extra $30 to have your laundry done for you so you can work on those 5 projects you’ve been promising everyone.  Maybe you can just fake your death and keep living through these scenarios. I’m just riffing, but you’re going to have to find a solution, chief.

And that, my friends, is how you get the flu and not die in NYC.

February 10, 2013

Cyndi Perczek

Strange things about NYC blizzards:

1. I get an emergency weather warning for what seems like a normal, ACTUAL, day of winter.
2. My neighbors look like they’ve never EVER shoveled snow before. They keep poking at it with helpless faces.
3. NYC fresh powdered snow tastes like the engine of a car.
4. Entire institutions are shut down today because apparently walking through snow is like walking through fire.
5. Where do all the rats and pigeons go?
6. There’s not a person in sight on my block and the only sound I can hear is the creepy wind chime next door.
7. I’m not feeling too good after having licked that snowball.
8. I think I got Hep C from it.
9. Damn it, I did.

December 4, 2012

Andrew R. Butler

Newark, New Jersey Mayor Cory Booker made headlines today purchasing groceries for the start of a week during which he will live on the monetary equivalent of food stamps or less.

In response, New York City mayor and billionaire businessman Michael Bloomberg is beginning a week during which he will live on the monetary equivalent of being just a millionaire.

Mayor Bloomberg gave a press conference this morning about his “week of understanding.”

“We have much work to do at the local level to address a legacy of structural inequities in the American food system,” Bloomberg said as he munched on prosciutto wrapped scallops sprinkled with truffle oil, “As more and more working people and families – many holding down more than one vacation home – face greater and greater challenges to juggle landscaping contractors, personal assistants, chauffeurs, house-cleaners, full time nannies, and really just incredibly tough personal trainers, meeting nutritional needs becomes a serious problem and a social justice issue.”

The mayor went on to explain that less wealthy bankers, real estate moguls, oil tycoons and fancy society people in soft hats are too often forgotten by every-day billionaires. While some have called the week a stunt, Mayor Bloomberg insists that he wants to “raise awareness and understanding of food security,” by “showing the city what it’s like to only be able to have a personal chef on the weekends.”

Mayor Bloomberg isn’t the first politician to do something like this. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie once spent an entire month living on nothing but mac-n-cheese, and in 2003 Vice President Dick Cheney unsuccessfully attempted a full day of caring about other human beings. (Half way through hour six he pushed an old lady down some stairs for no reason.)

The mayor couldn’t be reached for any further comment as he was having a two hour lunch at the Four Seasons. 

 …

Check out Political Subversities live at Ars Nova on December 12th and 13th! Tickets available now. Click here for more info.

November 25, 2012

Shaina Taub

You may remember hearing several weeks ago that seven current members of the Navy’s elite SEAL Team Six, including one involved in the raid that killed Osama bin Laden, have received punishments for having served as paid consultants for the video game “Medal of Honor: Warfighter.” The SEALs were punished for having violated their nondisclosure agreements and for having revealed tactics, techniques and procedures.

And now, just a few weeks later, it turns out these seven SEALS weren’t the only ones on their ranks to sell out their secrets for entertainment purposes. Three members of the prestigious Navy team were punished for divulging classified information to the collaborative team behind the upcoming Broadway musical, ‘SEAL TEAM SIXSICAL! THE MUSICAL!’. 

When previews of the show began on Tuesday, a senior Navy official happened to be in the audience, and spoke to us on the condition of anonymity. “My wife got tickets - I thought we were seeing Book of Mormon! Imagine my surprise when the curtain rose on a chorus line of dancing boys in uniform, performing our most classified drills, in tap shoes no less! And the lyrics to the act two opener, ‘Manhunt’ divulge addresses to top al Qaeda operative’s compounds. It’s an outrage, but I can’t stop humming the damn tune!”

At a press conference held yesterday, the chief producer of the musical commented, “Those lovely SEAL guys shouldn’t be punished - their story deserves to be told! Hollywood’s doing it, video games are doing it - and what better venue than on a Broadway stage. Plus, it drives recruitment! How wonderful if some high school theater club geeks join up in the armed forces after having seen our show? Lord knows this business has enough hopefuls as it is - better for them to pursue a career with a higher survival rate than trying to make it in musical theater!”

Songs from the musical include: ‘Somalia? (I Hardly Know Her!), ‘The Raid Rag’, ‘You Just Got Seal Team Six-ed’ and ‘Osama bin Laden Dream Ballet’.

The director of the musical, Julie Taymor, could not be reached for comment.

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Check out Political Subversities live at Ars Nova in NYC on December 12th and 13th!

November 13, 2012

Emma Tattenbaum-Fine

I walked into the Union Square Chipotle just a few weeks back.  As I closed the door behind me… torrential rains began.  I ordered a burrito and sat down… alone with it.  The rains increased.  I peeled back the aluminum foil to admire the smooth flour skin of the burrito shell.  It was very wet… outside.  

“You’re beautiful,” the burrito told me.  But I didn’t believe him.  He said it again, “your beautiful,” this time I believed it.  He was inside me now and he asked, “i’s this your first time?”  Definitely not, I chortled.  As I had had many burritos before.  ”Baby, I’m a franchise,” he said, “you can have me all the time, anywhere you like.”  I told him I knew that and that a new Chipotle had just opened in Queens and I was well aware.  Then… a little hot sauce dripped from my lips onto his foil.

You’re so big, I told him… “yeah,” he said, “baby, do you think you can take all of me?  … You gonna have to wrap up a little to go?” No… I will finish you…. I never leave a burrito unfinished, unless I’m sick or something, which I am not. “I’m not sick either,” he said, “I have no added hormones or antibiotics and some of my veggies are grown organically.” It occurred to me fleetingly that we should have discussed this earlier, but what I said aloud was, “I feel so safe with you, baby.”

And when I’d taken all of him and my burrito was no more, I got up… to fill my water bottle with Diet Coke ‘cause no employees were looking.  I stole that Diet Coke.. I drank it… and I stole it… at the same time.  Then I left the Chipotle and walked out into the newly cooled air.  Rain puddles greeted me as I set off for my train.  I reached deep into my tight back pocket.  I touched my Chipotle gift card and bit my bottom lip. The taste of hot sauce lingered.  I would come again.

November 7, 2012

Cyndi Perczek

Just as Sandy was coming to an end and I was finally walking out of my apartment for the first time in 10 days, I was told there’s another storm coming to NY. Are you kidding?

I’m not quite sure what that means for this city but I know what it means for me.

1. My legs getting re-atrophied in bed.
2. Watching Inception for the seventh time.
3. Becoming so pale and greasy, I could be confused for Gollum.
4. Going over everything in my emergency supply bag obsessively, just in case something vanished.
5. Clipping my toenails and then giving them names.
6. Playing sad songs on my keyboard in the darkness and crying.
7. Getting so bored that I play a game where I have to fart in every part of my studio apartment.
8. Eating endless amounts of Cheezits and Triscuits.
9. Lighting candles because the bulbs are flickering only to find the curtains on fire when I get out of the shower.
10. Questioning whether I would know how to interact with another human again.

 Please, Nor’easter, don’t do this. I can’t live this way.