Political Subversities

10 Reasons to Buy “Political Subversities: Live at Joe’s Pub”

April 8, 2013

Todd Dakotah Briscoe

Today marks the official release of the Political Subversities: Live at Joe’s Pub Album. You can purchase the album on iTunes, Amazon or Google Play. Just remember to rate us and leave a comment in the store!

Now, you’ve made it to this blog post presumably because you’re a fan of Political Subversities, or because I’ve “tagged” this blog post with “Jon Hamm Penis” over 300 times. If you’ve come here to look at Mr. Hamm’s bulge, then I give you this.:

If you are here because you are a PoliSub fan, then maybe you need extra convincing that the Joe’s Pub album is a record to add to your collection. Here are the top 10 reasons you should own this album.

10. If you start playing the album and the film From Justin to Kelly at the exact same time, they start to synch up. You can tell we planned the entire concert around synching it up to the movie.

9. Listening to up-tempo selections like “Islamic New York”and “Americans are Fat” while exercising has been proven to increase the effectiveness of your workout by 78%! (This information is from a 2012 study published by a drunk nicHi Douglas at 2AM in “texts to Todd.”)

8. Reports show that playing Beethoven for a baby in the womb makes the baby smarter. Playing Political Subversities for your baby in the womb makes the baby more socially aware, funnier and forever fucked-up sexually (“Shave Your Hooha,” “Touched by The TSA”—both were written by Andrew Butler. Hm.)

7. Chris Brown is a terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible human being and we take him to task on that in “We Don’t Like Chris Brown.”

6. If you play the record backwards you can heard Emma Tattenbaum-Fine whispering “Andie McDowell” is the devil. Emma has a thing about Andie McDowell.

5. Because you’ll get to enjoy the look on your parents’ faces when you get into your car with them and you turn it on and suddenly the car is full of the sound of Shaina Taub belting “THINK OF THE FETUS” or me singing the lyrics “CATHOLICS THINK THEY DRINK JESUS’ BLOOD” or Emma screaming “I CAN MAKE YOUR PENIS BIGGER.”

4. Because listening to us rant about there being a “Special Place in Hell” for rude people on the subway WHILE you are being squished by rude people on the subway will make that morning commute a little sweeter.

3. I guarantee that the latest fun. album or Gotye or Tegan and Sarah or Shania Twain (or whatever the kids are listening to nowadays) won’t have passionate ballads defending Sarah Palin or mourning the loss of Osama Bin Laden.

2. I gave you that picture of Jon Hamm’s penis. What else do you want from me?

1. Because we can SING. And we’re funny.

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Convinced? Click on your digital music purveyor of choice to buy our album! Amazon - iTunes - Google Play

TWO NEW VIDEOS!

April 1, 2013

Political Subversities

The awesome folks at Comediva are presenting our big (yet short) new music video! CHECK IT OUT!

AND we filmed this behind-the-scenes PoliSub Talks with some advice from the company about what YOU should do with YOUR vagina!

Enjoy and share! Certainly you know SOMEONE with a vagina? We, in fact, know several.

Official PoliSub March Madness Bracket

March 26, 2013

Todd Dakotah Briscoe

I was asked to create a March Madness bracket for Political Subversities. Now, I’ve never done one before and I didn’t bother to google it so I’m just assuming it’s a fight to the death between between people who went crazy in March. So, here is Round One of Todd’s official March Madness bracket for PoliSub.

1) Justin Bieber vs. Miley Cyrus

They’ve battled it at the Teen Choice Awards, and now they’re battling over who went craziest in March.

Justin Bieber- verbally assaulted a paparazzi, showed up 2.5 hours late to a concert because he was playing video games, tweeted shirtless photos of him in a hospital, went on an incoherent twitter rant about haters.

Miley Cyrus- Posted videos of herself in a unicorn costume “twerking” and posted photos that showed her similarities to Tolkein character “Gollum.”

The winner?

2) Sandy Rios vs. Hillary Clinton

Representative of the American Family Association, Sandy Rios, has release a 6 minute video in which she suggests that Hillary Clinton came out to support Gay Marriage because Hillary is, in fact, a lesbian.

Hillary Clinton release a video stating her support for Gay Marriage… 5 years after she said she was supporting gay marriage during her presidential campaign.

Winner?

3) Nazi Saluting Soccer Player vs. The KKK

Giorgos Katidis, a 20-year-old Greek soccer player was banned from the game for life after giving a Nazi salute on the field.

The KKK handed out white-bread sandwiches in an attempt to show the world what good guys they are.

Winner?

4) Producers of Mad Men vs. Editor of Esquire UK

The producers of Mad Men have asked Jon Hamm to start wearing underwear after it was concluded that Mr. Hamm’s “enormous talent” was too distracting in the tightly tailored clothes.

The editor of Esquire UK recently said at a panel that they viewed women in the magazine as “ornamental” and only meant to be “subjects.”

Winner?

JENNIFER WESTFELDT.

Tune in tomorrow for part two of March Madness!***

***Editor’s Note: Please don’t. We apologize that Todd didn’t understand the assignment and also didn’t bother to Google “March Madness.” We promise we’ll have things sorted out in time for the start of our next live show, running every Saturday in April at The PIT.

Damn, Elizabeth Warren, You Lookin’ GOOD! By Bill Clinton

March 19, 2013

Matthew Robert Gehring

I see you Elizabeth Warren. Sitting there on Congress’ Health, Education, Labor and Pensions committee. Making your FINE ASS points that minimum wage hasn’t kept up with productivity since the 1960s. Mm. I love how you shake those numbers that it should be $22 an hour. Damn, girl, who knew that you’d got from TARP to Senator in four years flat? AND you’re the first female Senator from Massachusetts? Let me ignore this champagne I poured and let’s break out the clam chowder.

Oops, you got a little on you, let me get that.

Wow, who thought we’d be this close…

Let’s talk about “Too Big Too Fail”…

Under the Gun: A Leaked RNC Memo

February 23, 2013

Jerry Polner - Guest Writer

REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE

CONFIDENTIAL MEMO

(So if you’re Elizabeth Frigging Warren, stop reading this right now)

To: Reince
From: Ted
RE: Background Checks My Aunt Fanny

Well this blows. We’re totally winning on the second amendment, but we’re getting our dick
handed to us on background checks.

Listen to me, Reince. We have to shoot this thing dead like a yapping puppy. Here are our
talking points:

First of all, what if you don’t have a background? Just because you have no employment
history and no schooling, suddenly you can’t buy an assault rifle? That blows just on principal.

Second, law-abiding citizens don’t need background checks. My ex-wife never asked for a
background check before she married me and look how that turned out.

Suppose the background check turns up some neighbor who says you shouldn’t have a firearm
because he wouldn’t trust you with a caulking gun. Cause maybe he saw you get drunk and
silicone your front door shut. Well hey that could happen to anybody.

Then we switch the subject to people who are disabled. Why? Because it’ll make us look
really compassionate.. We say that disabled people shouldn’t have to wait for their guns
because they get really tired standing around and most gun shops don’t have chairs. You never
thought of that, did you Reince? That’s what you got me for.

And if you’re in a wheelchair, what do you need a background check for? Your background is
that you’re in a frigging wheelchair, end of story.

Then we switch to talking about the mentally disabled. But unlike the other side, we do it
sympathetically. The fact is that in this society, there is a stigma about having a mental illness.
Yes, that’s right, I said it. People look at you funny when they find out you have a mental
illness. And that’s why you need to carry a semi-automatic weapon.

If you’re like me, you probably figure you need a gun to protect you from all the crazy people out
there. But how do you think a crazy person feels? He knows there are crazy people out there
because he’s one of them. So if you need a gun, he really needs a gun.

So now we’ve established that we care about the disabled and we care about the mentally
ill. So the next thing is domestic violence. We know all about people who are involved with

domestic violence. This is not your father’s Republican Party, Reince. We care about people
who are involved with domestic violence too.

For example. A 500-foot restraining order against you is not a good reason for you not to
have a gun. It just means that you need a gun that will shoot more than 500 feet. It’s common
sense.

I know felons normally shouldn’t be able to buy guns. Sure, sure, we all know that. But what if
you’re a felon and you really, really need a gun?

If you’ve never been accused of a crime, you may think you need a gun to protect yourself
against criminals. But what about the criminals? Don’t you think they’re scared of criminals
too? And if they see a criminal in their bathroom, they’re not exactly dying to go call the police,
you follow me?

Plus a lot of felons, when they got convicted and then went to prison, they lost their firearm.
They don’t have it anymore. So now they’re out of prison, obviously, they have to replace it. So
you’re not creating any new gun owners. You’re just helping someone who was already a gun
owner to resume being a gun owner. There’s no net increase. We’re keeping America exactly
the way it is right now. And isn’t that what we all want?

Wow, Maybe Rubio Really ISN’T a Scientist?

February 20, 2013

David McGee - Guest Writer

A couple of weeks ago I had the honor and privilege of making fun of Marco Rubio for not being a scientist, man. Well, for that and for being either intellectually dishonest or a fucking moron, but HEY, maybe GQ just misquoted him? Thankfully Rubio’s response to the State of the Union came through totally unmediated by any so-called “journalists” who might have made him sound like an “idiot” when he really “isn’t.” LET’S SEE HOW IT TURNED OUT.

Now, as you know if you’ve looked at the news recently, Rubio is being castigated for taking a sip of water in the middle of the speech. To be fair, that was an exceptionally creepy and weird sip of water, but we shouldn’t be mocking him for that, we should be mocking him because everything he said was stupid. I’d do a line-by-line response to it but I have a word count and an evolutionarily-crafted nervous system that dislikes pain (or WHATEVER. I mean, I’m not a scientist either, man), so I’ll skip it. But here are three or four things from that speech. And some calm reactions.

Rubio: “When we point out that no matter how many job-killing laws we pass, our government can’t control the weather – he accuses us of wanting dirty water and dirty air.”

OH COOL FALSE DICHOTOMIES. They’re my favorite kind of dichotomies. They’re so much better than those TRUE ones like “When we point out that humanity burning everything we can lay our hands on is having effects on the global climate that could potentially kill everything you love so maybe we should stop doing that — you accuse us of looking at evidence.” Wait, is that a dichotomy? What is a dichotomy anyway? I’m not a linguist, man.

Never mind. The point is, we can have JOBS or we can TRY TO CONTROL THE WEATHER! There is no third option! So we have to… wait, but hold on a second… if government can’t control the weather then how did Reagan make it Morning in America? GOTCHA THERE, MARCO.

Rubio: “In fact, a major cause of our recent downturn was a housing crisis created by reckless government policies.”

Yeah, in the sense that getting killed by influenza is a health crisis caused by reckless immune system policies. Like, true, but sort of reversing cause and effect.

Listen, this is a sentence I would totally agree with if it were about how the government needs to do more to regulate dangerous financial instruments and to promise — as a base-level right of being alive in the 21st Century — that everyone will have a roof and walls. But it’s instead surrounded with just utter bullshit about how what the government needs to do is get out of the way of banks and businesses. Which should apparently be trusted with running the economy. No, for real. If it’s possible, this is actually crazier than not believing in anthropogenic climate change, because to understand that you have to look at more than five years of records. And who has time for that? But to believe that businesses will not create major crises means being blind to things as far back as, say, 2012. But why should he care? He’s not a historian, man.

Rubio: “Of course solar and wind energy should be a part of our energy portfolio. But God also blessed America with abundant coal, oil and natural gas.”

God ALSO also blessed us with a fusion reactor a million times the size of the planet and functioning brains, so clearly we don’t have to use everything he blessed us with right? But fine, fuck it, let’s burn some more shit! I mean, what’s the worst that can happen?

Rubio: ”When I finished school, I owed over 100,000 dollars in student loans, a debt I paid off just a few months ago.”

And for which you should demand a refund. Man.

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David McGee writes things. Things like letters making fun of bank CEOs, which you can find at davewritesthings.com. And things like this bio, which has a twist ending. BANANA SANDWICH!

InfoGraphic: What Will Be Talked About At State of the Union

February 12, 2013

Matthew Robert Gehring

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Check out the state of Political Subversities romantic union(s) in this week’s PoliSub Talks video about Valentine’s Day! CLICK HERE to watch!

Obama Decides He Can Kill Anyone Anytime Pretty Much (Not a Joke)

February 7, 2013

David McGee - Guest Writer

Remember that time back in 2002 when George W. Bush claimed the right to murder Americans if he thought they might be bad guys? OH WAIT that was yesterday and it was Barack Obama.

Taking advantage of the little known “LOL J/K ABOUT ALL THIS” section of the Constitution, Obama and his Justice Department (ironic! actually! not like in the Alanis way!) have actually put in print their belief that they can just decide that any given American is a terrorist and kill them with a flying robot. Hi, I’m Dave, and I am not writing dystopian fan-fiction I am reporting on something that is actually happening today.

Look, even if Obama is your Presidential BFF and you will swear on a stack of Dreams From My Father that he of course is wise and righteous enough to only decide a bad guy is a bad guy when he’s really actually a very bad guy, this should scare the ever-loving shit out of you because a) he only gets to be President for four more years (will you trust the next President to wield this power righteously? did you trust the last one?) and b) no for real we are talking about the Executive Branch claiming the power to be judge, jury, and executioner which is some shit that was done away with by Hammurabi, savvy? Not allowing your citizens to present evidence before you kill them isn’t taking us back to the Ashcroft era, it’s taking us back to the fucking Stone Age.

I like the Fifth Amendment. It’s one of my favorites. You don’t have to testify against yourself in court, you can’t be put on trial for the same thing twice, the government can’t take your house just because they want to, and you cannot be “deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law” SECRET FOOTNOTE “unless the President swears you’re really honestly a bad guy.”

I like you all. So please don’t be accused of maybe doing something bad because I would hate for you to get Michael Bay’d to death without getting to say goodbye first.

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David McGee writes things. Things like letters making fun of bank CEOs, which you can find at davewritesthings.com. And things like this bio, which has a twist ending. BANANA SANDWICH!

Why General Tim Allen Should Not Be Allowed to Command NATO

January 29, 2013

Andrew R. Butler

I read today that the White House is going to go ahead with the nomination of Gen. Allen as Europe’s NATO commander since the Pentagon cleared him of any misconduct in the General Petraeus scandal. Honestly, I had forgotten that Allen existed. I don’t have cable at the moment so I haven’t seen a rerun of Home Improvement in ages, nor the nightly news, but I feel strongly that Allen is the wrong choice for NATO commander. Here’s why Congress should not approve his nomination:

1.) Too much plastic surgery. The article I saw was paired with this photo:

Why did Allen change his appearance so much? He used to look like this:

WHAT GIVES, ALLEN? He doesn’t even look younger. Can we trust someone who makes these sorts of decisions?

2.) Almost certainly not a real general. Name me ONE OTHER GENERAL who has had a successful career as an actor, comedian and voice-over artist? YOU CAN’T. I think Allen is awesome, but I have a hard time believing he’s a real general.

3.) He’s a total klutz. Have you SEEN Home Improvement? Do you really want someone that disaster prone running NATO in Europe? NO.

4.) Allen is THE SANTA CLAUSE. You can’t put The Santa Clause in a uniform! It will ruin the spirit of the holidays. What will come of this!?! The Santa Clause 4: The War on Christmas?!!??

OK, I will admit that Buzz Lightyear seems like a decent candidate. He’s got strategy and gusto and those wings that pop out. But honestly, if someone is holding a position of that much power, wouldn’t we all rather it be Tom Hanks?

Now THAT’S what I call a commander of NATO forces in Europe!

A Nearly Exhaustive List of Commentary You’ll Hear About The Lift on the Female Combat Ban

January 24, 2013

Akilah Hughes - Guest Writer

America has made a huge leap towards realizing equality by giving women the option of fighting on the front lines of our military. While many rational people can see why this might be just fine, here’s what you can expect from those who hate everything progressive or different from 1899:

This is Obama’s Fault!: Stop expecting a follow up to this comment. It is never followed up and is applicable to anything from Fiscal Cliffs to losing a parking space.

Imagine It’s Your Wife/Daughter/Cousin/Girlfriend: Yeah, it’s pretty difficult to imagine—almost as hard to imagine as if it were your Husband/Son/Cousin/Boyfriend! But seriously, watch an episode of Army Wives and then get back to me. Last time I checked, war was unfortunate no matter who was fighting it.

We’re gonna lose all the wars!: Women are tiny! They’re almost smaller than children! Why would you ever punish such delicate creatures by giving them the option to fight?! They can’t win! That’s right, regardless of their own physical abilities, or the fact that Hillary was a very successful Secretary of State, apparently letting women participate in combat means those high powered video game assault weapons are being replaced with Nerf™ guns. Gotta read that fine print better…

Women be emotional be!!!: Women don’t have the discerning capabilities that men do—especially during that time of the month!! What if she runs out of Motrin™? She’s likely to go full Rambo and just kill everybody that stands between her and a chocolate bar or the latest episode ofScandal!

Economy!!: At this point, the lift on the female combat ban will cause opponents to lose their ability to finish sentences. You can assume this means that this new legislation will cost more money—But employing people helps the economy…right? So I’m not sure where they’re going with this, but you’ll hear it.

Make Me a Sandwich LOL!11!!!1: You stumbled onto Reddit and 4Chan again, didn’t you?

If you hear any, feel free to comment with additional mouth-breathing retorts below!

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Akilah is a 23-year old hot mess studying improv at UCB. She’s sometimes a Barack Obama Tribute Band and other times a blogger at Its Akilah, Obviously , vlogger at Smoothiefreak , and @kiwirabbitfru on Twitter!