March 26, 2013

Todd Dakotah Briscoe

I was asked to create a March Madness bracket for Political Subversities.  Now, I’ve never done one before and I didn’t bother to google it so I’m just assuming it’s a fight to the death between between people who went crazy in March.  So, here is Round One of Todd’s official March Madness bracket for PoliSub.

1) Justin Bieber vs. Miley Cyrus

They’ve battled it at the Teen Choice Awards, and now they’re battling over who went craziest in March.

 Justin Bieber- verbally assaulted a paparazzi, showed up 2.5 hours late to a concert because he was playing video games, tweeted shirtless photos of him in a hospital, went on an incoherent twitter rant about haters.

Miley Cyrus- Posted videos of herself in a unicorn costume “twerking” and posted photos that showed her similarities to Tolkein character “Gollum.”

The winner?

2) Sandy Rios vs. Hillary Clinton

Representative of the American Family Association, Sandy Rios, has release a 6 minute video in which she suggests that Hillary Clinton came out to support Gay Marriage because Hillary is, in fact, a lesbian.

Hillary Clinton release a video stating her support for Gay Marriage… 5 years after she said she was supporting gay marriage during her presidential campaign.

Winner?

3) Nazi Saluting Soccer Player vs. The KKK

Giorgos Katidis, a 20-year-old Greek soccer player was banned from the game for life after giving a Nazi salute on the field.

The KKK handed out white-bread sandwiches in an attempt to show the world what good guys they are.

Winner?

4) Producers of Mad Men vs. Editor of Esquire UK

The producers of Mad Men have asked Jon Hamm to start wearing underwear after it was concluded that Mr. Hamm’s “enormous talent” was too distracting in the tightly tailored clothes.

The editor of Esquire UK recently said at a panel that they viewed women in the magazine as “ornamental” and only meant to be “subjects.”

Winner?  

JENNIFER WESTFELDT.

Tune in tomorrow for part two of March Madness!***

***Editor’s Note:  Please don’t.  We apologize that Todd didn’t understand the assignment and also didn’t bother to Google “March Madness.” We promise we’ll have things sorted out in time for the start of our next live show, running every  Saturday in April at The PIT. 

February 22, 2013

Todd Dakotah Briscoe

This past week has seen online articles about Lena Dunham in NY Magazine’s Vulture, Slate, Atlantic Wire, Gawker, Jezebel as well as print articles in Rolling Stone and Entertainment Weekly.  Now, these are just with blogs I actually read.  I’m sure there have been others.

So I guess… I’m supposed to write about Lena Dunham now?  It seems that if you want to be a culturally relevant blog you need to talk about Lena Dunham.  In fact Vulture alone ran three articles just this past week about Lena Dunham.  I think there was some general memorandum from the people who run media saying that you have to have a minimum of one Lena Dunham article per week.  So here I go…

Um, I like Girls?  I don’t, like, love it, but I’ll watch it every week.  Not like when it airs.  I have HBO GO so… I get around to it. 

I don’t hate it either.  It seems like there are a lot of people who hate Lena Dunham and hate Girls.  I hate Nazis.  And Ann Coulter.  And that thing with when you’re trying to tear out notebook paper that’s been perforated, but you pull too hard and rip the paper on accident.  I hate that, but not Lena Dunham.

She’s naked a lot. That’s a thing people talk about?  I mean, good for her. Some people find so much nudity disgusting.  Some find it empowering.  I like seeing Andrew Rannell’s butt.  Why can’t we talk about that more.  It was a nice ass.  Here it is again.

People are mad because all four leads of her show have famous parents.  Ok, Jemima Kirke’s dad is the drummer for Bad Company.  Was Hollywood really like “FINALLY!  The daughter of the guy who’s the drummer for Bad Company is willing to do our project!”  No.  And none of those girls would have been cast if they were bad actresses.  

My dad worked for Pfizer and I got a couple of free Viagra pens back in college, but no one wrote scathing articles about that. 

People call Lena Dunham a racist for not including more minority characters in season one, and then people were mad that Lena Dunham cast Donald Glover saying she was trying to overcompensate.  Race is an issue that stirs a lot of controversy.  So here’s something race related to get more hits to my blog post:  The “black”Steel Magnolias was just not as good as the original.  I said it.  Jill Scott vs. Dolly Parton?   No contest, folks. 

Lena recently spent an episode that featured her having sex with Patrick Wilson and people say that that’s impossible because she’s “homely” and he’s hot, and it was completely unbelievable.  Because someone unattractive never sleeps with anyone unattractive on TV and Film with the exceptions of any Woody Allen movie starring Woody Allen, Fred and Wilma Flintstone, Kevin James and Leah Remini on King of Queens, Larry David and Cheryl Hines, Jim Belushi and Courtney Thorne-Smith, did I mention Woody Allen?  

Can’t we just be happy we saw a half naked, sexy Patrick Wilson? Why aren’t people talking about this more?

Is Girls the most brilliant show ever?  No, and Lena never said it was.  She’s just trying to make the best TV show she possibly can and tell her story her way.  

Why aren’t people attacking Two Broke Girls more?  That’s the show that does have minority cast members, but also has a slew of very racist jokes.  That’s the show that portrays Brooklyn in a completely unrealistic way.  That’s the show that doesn’t have this:

Or this:

Or this:

I guess I do have an opinion on Lena Dunham.  I like naked men.

November 13, 2012

Emma Tattenbaum-Fine

I walked into the Union Square Chipotle just a few weeks back.  As I closed the door behind me… torrential rains began.  I ordered a burrito and sat down… alone with it.  The rains increased.  I peeled back the aluminum foil to admire the smooth flour skin of the burrito shell.  It was very wet… outside.  

“You’re beautiful,” the burrito told me.  But I didn’t believe him.  He said it again, “your beautiful,” this time I believed it.  He was inside me now and he asked, “i’s this your first time?”  Definitely not, I chortled.  As I had had many burritos before.  ”Baby, I’m a franchise,” he said, “you can have me all the time, anywhere you like.”  I told him I knew that and that a new Chipotle had just opened in Queens and I was well aware.  Then… a little hot sauce dripped from my lips onto his foil.

You’re so big, I told him… “yeah,” he said, “baby, do you think you can take all of me?  … You gonna have to wrap up a little to go?” No… I will finish you…. I never leave a burrito unfinished, unless I’m sick or something, which I am not. “I’m not sick either,” he said, “I have no added hormones or antibiotics and some of my veggies are grown organically.” It occurred to me fleetingly that we should have discussed this earlier, but what I said aloud was, “I feel so safe with you, baby.”

And when I’d taken all of him and my burrito was no more, I got up… to fill my water bottle with Diet Coke ‘cause no employees were looking.  I stole that Diet Coke.. I drank it… and I stole it… at the same time.  Then I left the Chipotle and walked out into the newly cooled air.  Rain puddles greeted me as I set off for my train.  I reached deep into my tight back pocket.  I touched my Chipotle gift card and bit my bottom lip. The taste of hot sauce lingered.  I would come again.

October 15, 2012

Todd Dakotah Briscoe

Images from a 2011 photo shoot with Vice Presidential hopeful Paul Ryan have surfaced that have the VP’s media relations team banging their heads against a wall.

I mean, I WISH my biceps looked like that, but one reason I would never run for political office is that I have too many skeletons in my closet and too many embarrassing photos I don’t want to surface.

However, if any member of Political Subversities decides to run for office, I wanted to nip any potential photo scandals in the bud so we can do our damage control now.

The Pictures that PoliSub does NOT want you to see:

Matthew Robert Gehring went through a “fabulous” phase in college.

Much like Paul Ryan, Shaina has a penchant for overly stylized photo shoots… and fruit.

Kim doesn’t have friends except for small children she pays to be nice to her.

Dom once did this in front of a camera.

 B seems to completely destroy any bad photos of him that exist anywhere.  Instead, here is a good photo of B….

 And another bad photo of Matt Gehring.

Emma’s been photographed in her other line of work.

Some customers have strange fetishes.

While this photo explains nicHi a little bit better.

AND THIS PHOTO OF ANDREW BUTLER MUST BE SEEN…

while this photo of our new musical director, Ian Axness isn’t necessarily compromising, but was the weirdest I could find on his facebook.

And speaking of new people… check out our newest cast members Preston, Stephanie and Briana. Now, Briana’s photo is pretty nice, but I found a webpage of headshot choices she didn’t use and this was my favorite.  And I couldn’t find any bad photos of Stephanie so here’s a good photo of Stephanie with a bad photo of me.

Yes.  I had a “cigarette” before graduation.  Yes, I also have some (many) bad photos of myself to get out before I run for office.

August 2, 2012

Andrew Butler

I have a few issues with this summer’s tween hit “What Makes You Beautiful” from boy band One Direction, mostly with the refrain, which goes, “you don’t know you’re beautiful/that’s what makes you beautiful.” 

First off, YOU FOOL! WHY WOULD YOU TELL HER?!? NOW SHE KNOWS SHE IS BEAUTIFUL AND THUS CAN NO LONGER BE BEAUTIFUL WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?!

Secondly, a quick breakdown: One Direction’s proposal is not that a lack of self-awareness is creating beauty, but rather that if the subject is aware of her beauty (however it may have been created, be it by god, nature or science) then she can never truly be beautiful. Those are high standards. She’s gotta be really pretty AND too socially incompetent to ever understand how others perceive her AND can’t have enough self esteem to consider herself beautiful without regard to the perceptions of others OR she must be beautiful and unaware of the concept of beauty entirely, which might imply a significantly lower than average level of mental development. That’s controversial stuff, One Direction. Bold move.

In terms of finding a soul-mate, or at least someone to make out with on class field trips to the aquarium, that’s a pretty tall order. I’m not sure that this choice is really serving you well, One Direction. Besides, there are other attributes that far more elegantly and accurately fit the equation, “you don’t know you’re X, that’s what makes you X.” Thus I proudly present my life’s greatest work to date:

Other Personal Attributes Created by Your Lack of Awareness of Said Attributes

You don’t know you’re an idiot, that’s what makes you an idiot.

You don’t know you’re (literally) an animal, that’s what makes you (literally) an animal. 

You don’t know you’re gullible, that’s what makes you gullible. 

You don’t know you’re slowly making everyone around you hate you with every word you say, that’s what makes you slowly make everyone around you hate you with every word you say. 

You don’t know you’re an embarrassment, that’s what makes you an embarrassment. 

You don’t know know you have amnesia that’s what makes you have amnesia.

You don’t know you sound desperate, that’s what makes you sound desperate. 

You don’t know you’re being exploited by record companies, that’s what makes you exploited by record companies.

July 21, 2012

Matthew Robert Gehring

1) Save Victim at Knifepoint from Joker OR Stop Big Gulps

At the same time, the Joker is holding up a helpless female victim, and Todd Briscoe is drinking a Big Gulp, recently banned by Mayor Bloomberg as part of a healthy NYC initiative.  BATMAN’S DECISION:  Take out the Big Gulp.

2) Prevent Two-Face from shooting NYPD Officer OR Stop Smoker in Central Park

Two-Face has NYC Police Chief Raymond Kelly in his grasp, but Kim Blanck is smoking a cigarette in a public park, illegal by decree of Mayor Bloomberg. BATMAN’S DECISION:  Tackle Kim Blanck and give lengthy lecture on smoking and its effect on vocal health.

 3) Use BatCar To Catch Cat Woman OR Use BatCar to Tow Car to NJ Because It Didn’t Follow “Opposite Side of the Street Parking”

Cat Woman is speeding away on a motorcycle after a jewel robbery, but Matt Vinson parked his car on the West side of 6^th Avenue, even though a tiny sign says not to do that on Thursday afternoon between 4pm and 5:30pm. BATMAN’S DECISION:  Tow Matt Vinson’s car to NJ like an unreasonable dick.

 4) Stop Ra’s Al Ghul and the League of Assassins OR Stop Occupy Wall Street

Ra’s Al Ghul’s League of Assassins is planning a take over in New York City and eventually the United States through political assassinations, but Occupy Wall Street is peacefully protesting in a public space. BATMAN’S DECISION:  join occupy Wall Street as Batman, have them removed from Union Square as Bruce Wayne.

5) Fix Corruption Led by The Penguin OR Fix the MTA

The Penguin’s at it again, using his thugs and brutes to take over Manhattan’s Downtown, but the MTA “Fast Track” program suuuuuuuucks. BATMAN’S DECISION:  Privately buy the MTA and place Morgan Freeman as head.  Didn’t you get the memo?

…

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