Political Subversities

Emma Will Live Forever (And You Can Too!)

March 4, 2013

Emma Tattenbaum-Fine

With all the plastic I’ve thrown away in my lifetime… all the Starbucks cups and styrofoam take out boxes and all the sewage I’ve created, and we are talking about a lot of sewage…. the thought of disgracing the planet yet again when I die, this time eternally, with my stank-ass varnished coffin, with a fucking pillow….covered in awkward make-up, old as balls, and then encased in cement…. I can’t do it.

So with you as my witnesses, if I die tomorrow or 80 yrs from now, this is what I want. I want to become a tree and here’s how it’s gonna happen. And if you outlive me, this falls on your shoulders so don’t fuck it up or I will haunt you so hard you’ll wish you had never read this blog post.

Listen closely: There’s a burial option for human beings called a “biodegradable urn”. You get cremated and put into the biodegradable urn, into which a seed is placed…. so you gotta decide what kind of tree you wanna be before you die. You following? You then…. get planted. The dirt you’re in and your own ashes, fertilize the seed and you grow into a frickin’ tree! It’s brilliant!!! Congratulations, you are a tree. You are reborn as a tree. Here is your tree passport, but you’re not going anywhere cuz you’re a tree.

Your family can come and visit you. And you are just chilling out there, for hundreds of years, being awesome, because that is what trees do. That is what all trees do and you are a tree. And then when the tree falls, you could become a wooden bench, and after that a rotten wooden bench and after that a restored rotten wooden bench and it will just not stop being amazing, it will only get better from there. Who is ready to die!!!!? I can’t wait to be a tree..

This world, all of you, everything, is a practice run for what a baller tree I’m gonna be. I’ll see you… in the Brooklyn Botanic Garden.

Wow, Maybe Rubio Really ISN’T a Scientist?

February 20, 2013

David McGee - Guest Writer

A couple of weeks ago I had the honor and privilege of making fun of Marco Rubio for not being a scientist, man. Well, for that and for being either intellectually dishonest or a fucking moron, but HEY, maybe GQ just misquoted him? Thankfully Rubio’s response to the State of the Union came through totally unmediated by any so-called “journalists” who might have made him sound like an “idiot” when he really “isn’t.” LET’S SEE HOW IT TURNED OUT.

Now, as you know if you’ve looked at the news recently, Rubio is being castigated for taking a sip of water in the middle of the speech. To be fair, that was an exceptionally creepy and weird sip of water, but we shouldn’t be mocking him for that, we should be mocking him because everything he said was stupid. I’d do a line-by-line response to it but I have a word count and an evolutionarily-crafted nervous system that dislikes pain (or WHATEVER. I mean, I’m not a scientist either, man), so I’ll skip it. But here are three or four things from that speech. And some calm reactions.

Rubio: “When we point out that no matter how many job-killing laws we pass, our government can’t control the weather – he accuses us of wanting dirty water and dirty air.”

OH COOL FALSE DICHOTOMIES. They’re my favorite kind of dichotomies. They’re so much better than those TRUE ones like “When we point out that humanity burning everything we can lay our hands on is having effects on the global climate that could potentially kill everything you love so maybe we should stop doing that — you accuse us of looking at evidence.” Wait, is that a dichotomy? What is a dichotomy anyway? I’m not a linguist, man.

Never mind. The point is, we can have JOBS or we can TRY TO CONTROL THE WEATHER! There is no third option! So we have to… wait, but hold on a second… if government can’t control the weather then how did Reagan make it Morning in America? GOTCHA THERE, MARCO.

Rubio: “In fact, a major cause of our recent downturn was a housing crisis created by reckless government policies.”

Yeah, in the sense that getting killed by influenza is a health crisis caused by reckless immune system policies. Like, true, but sort of reversing cause and effect.

Listen, this is a sentence I would totally agree with if it were about how the government needs to do more to regulate dangerous financial instruments and to promise — as a base-level right of being alive in the 21st Century — that everyone will have a roof and walls. But it’s instead surrounded with just utter bullshit about how what the government needs to do is get out of the way of banks and businesses. Which should apparently be trusted with running the economy. No, for real. If it’s possible, this is actually crazier than not believing in anthropogenic climate change, because to understand that you have to look at more than five years of records. And who has time for that? But to believe that businesses will not create major crises means being blind to things as far back as, say, 2012. But why should he care? He’s not a historian, man.

Rubio: “Of course solar and wind energy should be a part of our energy portfolio. But God also blessed America with abundant coal, oil and natural gas.”

God ALSO also blessed us with a fusion reactor a million times the size of the planet and functioning brains, so clearly we don’t have to use everything he blessed us with right? But fine, fuck it, let’s burn some more shit! I mean, what’s the worst that can happen?

Rubio: ”When I finished school, I owed over 100,000 dollars in student loans, a debt I paid off just a few months ago.”

And for which you should demand a refund. Man.

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David McGee writes things. Things like letters making fun of bank CEOs, which you can find at davewritesthings.com. And things like this bio, which has a twist ending. BANANA SANDWICH!

Who Should Be The Next Pope? (video)

February 17, 2013

Political Subversities

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Things The Pope Seems Likely To Do In Retirement

February 15, 2013

Andrew R. Butler

Benedict XVI is only the third pope to ever resign from the position, so there isn’t much precedent for post-pope behavior. Here’s what we think he’ll be up to now that he doesn’t have to wory about all that poping around.

Become the shadow pope! (All the power, none of the annoying speaking engagements.)
Look into Wicca
Just literally pray all day. Like, wake up, pray, eat, pray, eat, pray, eat, pray, sleep, as if his life were a significantly less interesting Elizabeth Gilbert novel
Finally get caught up on GIRLS
Gardening (I hear he’ll be living in the Vatican garden. No joke. In a tent? There’s a garden house? Who knows.)
Train Luke Skywalker to fulfill his destiny and restore peace to the galaxy
Put on the pope hat when no one is looking
Sigh and shake his head ever so slightly whenever he makes eye contact with the new pope
Re-read Harry Potter a bunch
Finally get on top of his twitter game
Add false embarrassing childhood details to the new pope’s Wikipedia page
Cannoli, lots
Bunga Bunga parties with Berlusconi
Mutter “more like the dope” soft enough that only the new pope can hear him
Watch Matlock and reminisce about the Second Vatican Council just like every other retiree

What Western Religion Needs

January 15, 2013

Andrew R. Butler

The largest religious festival in the world started this week in India. It’s called the Maha Kumbh Mela, and while smaller festivals are held every three years, this largest gathering occurs only once every twelve years at the convergence of two actual rivers and one river that news outlets unanimously refer to as “mythical.” I think popular American religions could learn a thing or two from this giant Hindu pilgrimage, so I’ve put together this list of things I learned about the Maha Kumbh Mela that we need more of in our stodgy Western spiritual practices.

Naked Holy Men. All the holy dudes get butt naked and swim in these rivers, even if they don’t belong to the same religious sect. I think everyone would be better off if Joel Osteen went skinny dipping with the Pope. Most of all Joel Osteen and the Pope. Lighten up, dudes.

Mythical Destinations. Everyone is meeting at the intersection of THREE rivers but one of them is MYTHICAL so like, maybe it was there once, or it wasn’t. It IS AND ISN’T there. It’s MYTHICAL. Next year, let’s have Christmas at Atlantis, and I don’t mean the resort.

55-Day Holy Festivals. The Maha Kumbh Mela is nearly two months long, but only happens every 12 years. That comes to about four and a half days per year. If we consolidated Chanukah this way then every 12 years we’d have 96 nights of presents and a really intense fire hazard. I SAY LET’S GO FOR IT.

Samosas. As far as I can tell samosas don’t have anything specifically to do with Maha Kumbh Mela but they ARE delicious. I think our religious festivals (like Easter) should include samosas. As well as our non-religious festivals (like Bonnaroo.) And our lunches (like every day.)

Saffron. The color. Why are the colors associated with our religious activities SO BORING? Red and green, blue and white, pastels. PASTELS?! Come on. What is this, 2^nd grade? How about turquoise and oxblood for Palm Sunday? THINK ABOUT IT. Or a nice bright yellow? Not on me, I’ll wash right out, but it’ll look goooood on B.

Rivers. Christianity talks a mean river game, but never follows through. “I went down to the river to pray?” More like, “I watched football in high-def and ate store-bought cheese dip.” Also, Rivers Cuomo. I don’t know if they’re into the Blue Album in India, but swimming and Weezer sounds like religion to me.

Destination Holidays. Sure there are pilgrimages to Mecca, and people like to get all Old Testament and visit Israel or whatever, but I think we need more local holy sites. Every holy place has to start being holy sometime, right? Maybe now is the moment for the Mississippi River Delta to take that next step. Plus, the food there is GREAT.

Let’s make this happen. I’m talking 55 days of naked holy dudes eating cajun samosas at mythical swimming holes. Oh, and Weezer is playing. WHO’S GOT A GOOD RELIGION NOW? Sign ups are below.

If Only the Pope Had Two Mommies Like Me

December 30, 2012

Emma Tattenbaum-Fine

How the Creation of the Universe Could Fuck Up Our Economy

December 6, 2012

David McGee - Guest Writer

This month’s GQ Magazine (“The Magazine for Gentlemen Who Love Quarters”) features an interview with Marco Rubio, the junior senator from the great state of Florida. Are you familiar with Rubio? He’s considered to have the inside track for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination, because he’s not white but still hates gay and poor people, and so I suppose they’re thinking “Eh, two out of three ain’t bad, I guess.”

During the interview, Rubio was asked how old he thinks the Earth is. And his response began with:

“I’m not a scientist, man.”

OK. Hold on, sparky, don’t freak out yet. Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. That’s not necessarily the beginning of an outrageously stupid answer, because he might follow it up with, “But some people actually ARE scientists, and they all say 4.5 billion years old, so I’ll defer to them because they know what they’re talking about and I’m a moron.”

Cross your fingers. Let’s see how he actually finished up:

”I can tell you what recorded history says, I can tell you what the Bible says, but I think that’s a dispute amongst theologians and I think it has nothing to do with the gross domestic product or economic growth of the United States. I think the age of the universe has zero to do with how our economy is going to grow. I’m not a scientist. I don’t think I’m qualified to answer a question like that. At the end of the day, I think there are multiple theories out there on how the universe was created and I think this is a country where people should have the opportunity to teach them all. I think parents should be able to teach their kids what their faith says, what science says. Whether the Earth was created in 7 days, or 7 actual eras, I’m not sure we’ll ever be able to answer that. It’s one of the great mysteries.”

There’s so much crazily wrong with this I don’t even know where to start.

Firstly, sure, fine: parents are welcome to teach their children whatever the hell they want, but it doesn’t make what they teach them CORRECT. You see the difference, Marco?

More importantly, acknowledging the age of the universe actually has an imperial fuck-ton to do with the GDP and our economic policies, because believing that evidence is important in evaluating solutions is a sign that our political philosophy is going to be based on reason and not on playing pretend. It’s a sign that when all (ALL!) of the available evidence says that cutting taxes on the wealthy does not lead to greater prosperity, we’ll go “Huh, guess THAT doesn’t work” and try something else, instead of saying “Guess it’s a debate amongst economists” and punting the ball while actual people suffer. It’s a sign that when faced with consumption that far outpaces the scarce resources available to us, we’ll search for new ways of being, rather than hoping everything’ll just shake out in the end. It’s a sign that when someone suggests that our economy can just keep on growing forever and ever amen, we’ll evaluate the likelihood of that being true (hint: none) and adjust accordingly. Sheesh.

Finally, nobody — really, nobody at all, anywhere — thinks the earth was created in “7 actual eras”. It was clearly created in 9 Semi-Actual Eons. Duh. Come on, Marco: TEACH THE DEBATE.

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What If Jesus Had a Wife?

September 20, 2012

nicHi douglas

Apparently some Ivy League somebody verified the authenticity of some ancient scrap of papyrus stating that maybe Jesus had a wife. This information is particularly interesting to the holier-than-thou hypocritical so and so’s in the Catholic sector who claim that Jesus’s single-dom and celibacy is the basis for their priestly practices. I just can’t imagine that the reality of whether or not Jesus had a wife will have any real impact on my life. I live in the now. Where people actually have wives. And husbands. And sometimes, if you’re in the right state, you get a two-for. I’m not anti-religion, or anti-history for that matter, but shouldn’t the geniuses from Harvard and Princeton set their sights on more pressing issues in our current non-mythical world? Like cancer. And Right-wing Republicans.

And so I present to you, What If Jesus Had a Wife (and Other Hypothetical Historical Inquiries):

What if Jesus had a wife?

What if Shakespeare wasn’t one man, but a group of writers?

What if Mussolini had a cat?

What if Gandhi secretly ate like six or seven vegetable samosas while he was “fasting”?

What if former President J. Edgar Hoover was a closeted gay man?

What if Rosa Parks was partially deaf and in a deep sleep with her eyes open?

What if Malcolm X was only willing to work for equality by two or three means?

What if Jack Kerouac never actually set off on the road with his friends?

What if young Michael Jackson and ol’ white Michael were two different people?

Why hypothesize the past to influence the present? I investigate the present to influence the future.

VOTE BIEBER 2012.

Dominique Presents: The Biggest F**k Ups of Last Week

July 31, 2012

Dominique Toney

- 1. Chick Fil-A: You’ve got employees who are dying of stress and an entire community of people mad at you. Get it together.

- 2. Kristen Stewart: Damn girl. You have everything going for you. You’re white. You’re famous. You’re rich. You’ve got a much-coveted boyfriend. Why’d you go and screw it all up? Aren’t you content in your life?

- 3. The Jackson Family: Not even sure where to start with this one. Michael Jackson’s kids vs. Michael Jackson’s siblings? The drama is never-ending. When’s the reality show?

- 4. Madonna: Woman, you have offended MANY by wearing a swastika in your European tour. Don’t you know that wearing that is OFF LIMITS? Especially in Europe?! Dang.

- 5. University of Colorado Denver Hospital: One uninsured victim of the Aurora, Colorado shooting faces $2 million in medical bills. He was shot in the eye. He’s raised $70,000 thus far. The University of Colorado Denver Hospital doesn’t look like it’s going to wipe his bill clean, like some other hospitals are doing. BIG. TIME. FAIL.

Kim’s Ramadan Diary

July 25, 2012

Kim Blanck

This year, Ramadan – the Muslim month of fasting – began on July 19 and will end on August 20. During all of these days, Muslims refrain from eating, drinking, and having sex with their partners until sundown. It’s supposed to teach Muslims about patience, humility, spirituality and submissiveness to God. Wow … this sounds like a wonderfully Eat Pray Love kind of adventure. I love Elizabeth Gilbert, so even though I’m not Muslim, I’d like to participate and see what I learn!

Tuesday, July 24

9:00 am. – I am doing GREAT. The sun is shining, and I wasn’t bogged down by a heavy breakfast of eggs and bacon and toast. And since I’m alone, I didn’t have anyone around to have sex with. I’m feeling lightweight and great.

10:06 am. – This is super wonderful. I feel like a real Muslim! I wonder if there’s a mosque in Prospect Heights that I can go to.

11:17 am. – Um … okay. I’m feeling a little bit hungry.

12:06 pm. – If I eat something and no one’s around to see it, did I still eat it?

1:03 pm. – I can’t move. Otherwise I will eat something.

2:18 pm. – Why are the rules so that I can’t drink, either? I’m parched! Why does this happen in July while it’s so hot??!

3:01 pm. – … maybe I’ll be skinny after this?

4:36 pm. – [Sweat and saliva stains on page]

5:23 pm. – Give me something to have sex with. I am so hungry and angry.

6:46 pm. – All I want is some meat on a plate. Meat on a plate. Meat on a plate. AGAIN: why does this happen in summertime when the days are so long??

7:09 pm. – Give me a protein shake! I want to have sex with a protein shake!

8:17 pm. – SUNDOWN. [The rest of this page is unreadable. It has been eaten.]

8:23 pm – Okay. I’m headed to Shake Shack. I’m gonna grab me a burger, a milkshake, and a custard thing. Oh, and anyone, anyone at all to have sex with.

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