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Articles tagged "romney"

This Is The Future of the GOP

With the defeat of Mitt Romney in the election - the Republican establishment is reeling.  What is next for the Republicans?  Does their platform need to change?  Who will lead this defunct party?
 
The answer:  Sex appeal.
 
Republicans will wake up and realize that elections aren’t about policies - they are about sex appeal.  Who would you rather vote for - this guy?
 
 
OR this guy?
 
 
Obama wasn’t just happenstance.  Obama was the brainchild of Democrats during the Eisenhower years.  He was bred in a Democratic base in Hawaii and “raised” as the perfect candidate.  You don’t get a beautiful biracial man from out nowhere.  He comes from years of hard work and planning.  So, Republicans, get your shit together and starting making your candidate for 2060. I will suggest that you mate Republican Congressman Aaron Schock:
 
 
 
(Yes, that is a real Congressman - Aaron Schock - Republican from Illinois’ 18th Congressional District)
 
I suggest mating Schock and Senator John McCain’s daughter and political blogger, Meghan McCain.  
 
Here is the lovely Ms. McCain from her photo shoot with Playboy:
 
 
Get them together, what to do you get?  The future of the Republican party.  Scroll down for a rough estimation of what that future of the Republican party will look like:
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Come see Political Subversities live at Ars Nova in NYC on Decemeber 12th & 13th! Tickets and info HERE. 


A Rap for President Barack Obama

Obama got me fired up
Pimp rollin’, ballot stub
Votin line at 8 AM
Who’s it gonna be, us or them?
Waitin all day to get results
Feelin like a damn adult
Got my sticker n’ errrrything
F*** all the states that like to “swing”
9 pm, now we know
Hashtag FORWARD, no Jim Crow
Cause w/ Mitt, my ass would be a slave
No seriously, we’d practically all be slaves
Obama got me fired up
I feel like I’m on top of the world
All of a sudden I wanna fold clothes,
Roast a chicken, and throw dem bones
Obama got me fired up
I feel like I’m on top of the world
If he can do it, so can I
Thanks for the Hope
Love, Generation Y

Hillary Clinton Opens Case of Pinot Grigio, Votes for Romney

At her polling location in Washington DC, former first lady and current Secretary of State Hillary Clinton walked into the voting booth with a bottle of Pinot Grigio, her favorite white wine, and loudly yelled that she is voting for Mitt Romney.
 
The usually dignified and pulled together Clinton loudly whispered to a volunteer at the voting location that she was “already two bottles in and to be quiet about it.”  
 
An aide pulled her aside during her drunken display and asked what she was thinking, Clinton clutched the wine closer to chest and said, “Do you think I don’t get it?  I’m old, Mark, I’m old.  I’ll be 69 before the next election.  If that black guy wins this one, there’s no shot for me then.  Then what?  Wait til I’m 73?  No one wants that.  I don’t want that.  I just - I just want to be president.  I just - want to be…noticed.  Help me, Mark, help me.”
 
As the tears filled her eyes, she voted for Romney.  
 
"It’s my only chance.  This guy is the only chance women have."

NEW VIDEO : When I Vote

YOU GUYS. Voting is the MOST IMPORTANT. I made this video about HOW IMPORTANT voting is. nicHi interrupted me before I was able to finish it, but I got most of it in there. Please watch this and share it with all of your friends so that they know how important voting is too. 

And then, after you vote, come to The PIT (123 East 24th St) to hang out with Political Subversities as we host an evening’s worth of comedy, music, storytelling and election coverage! It starts at 7pm and it’s just $5 for the whole night! 

A Eulogy for Binders Full of Women

Dearly Beloved,

We are gathered here on the internets, the hallowed web of the world, to mourn the tragic loss of a meme.  A meme that we loved so much that we eventually suffocated and killed it.

Binders of Women had an auspicious birth on Tuesday, November 16, 2011 at 9:30PM EST to Mitt Romney of Massachusettes. Its birth was heralded by the community of Twitter where it was remarked:

“You have to admit ‘binder full of women’ is better than Romney’s original phrase, ‘Tramer Keeper.”—@ApocalypseHow

“herd of buffalo, murder of crows, binder of women”- @Alan_Tudyk

The Meme continued to grow into a tumblr:  Bindersfullofwomen.tumblr.com

 And images circulated facebook and twitter: 

Humorous reviews were left on Amazon.com where users commented that binders were “acceptable but don’t hold enough women.” 

Joy Behar referenced the binders on the view.

The meme lived for approximately 36 hours when it was killed when my mother caught wind of the Binders Full of Women jokes and texted me:  “Don’t tell your Dad where he can get a binder full of women!”

Survivors ask that in lieu of flowers donations be made to my dinner, because it’s 5 o’clock goddammit, woman.  You say  you want to get a job and you can’t even have a simple dinner ready for me when I get home?

Dear Romney, Please Mention Gel Pens Too. Love, Office Supply Stores

I’m very happy.  See I own a small business and we’ve taken such a very big hit, you see, because of Staples, in particular, which is just 9 blocks away.  I think it is only fitting that Romney, who made Staples such an industry giant, now gives back to the small office supply community by giving binders a mention in the nationally-televised second debates. Christmas came early for us.  
 
Most people have forgotten about binders because of iPads and youPads and Doodads and whatnot.  But I never forgot and neither did Carol or Big Dumb Ed, my two employees at Nancy’s Office Supply/Stationery/Souvenir/Novelty (and now) Binder Shop.  
We added “binder” to the name of the shop yesterday in response to sales.
 
Romney has helped Big Bird too, unintentionally.  I’d like for him to also mention gel pens because we have seen low sales on that.  I wonder too if he could mention my mother because she is very sick.  
 
I wish Staples wasn’t so close by to us and I wish sales were better all the time and I also wish that women were hired for high-powered government jobs.  But… it is hard to hold any resentment now.  
 
Will you excuse me?  We have some customers.  Ed!  The binder truck is here, go sign for it please.
 
 
If you liked this then check out our live show in NYC! Ticket info HERE.
 
 

Are Obama and Romney REALLY Neck and Neck?

Potential Incumbent Barack Obama and Presidential Hopeful Mitt Romney have been compared in many swing states as being “neck and neck,” especially in key swing states like Florida and Ohio. Let’s break down the math.
 
In the 2008 presidential election, roughly 125 million people voted for a president.  That’s only 58%
 
According to the Miami Herald, the polls in Florida have Mitt Romney at 47% and Barack Obama at 48% of likely voters with a 3.5% margin of error.
 
So following the likely voters first:  The neck is placed about 90% up the body.  If Obama and Romney were neck and neck, they’d be polling at around 90% - each.  IMPOSSIBLE!  At best, if everyone voted, they’d be at belly button and belly button.

But not everyone is voting.  So that will drop it down the human body.  Obama and Romney are getting around 50% of likely voters?  
 
They’re at knee-cap and knee-cap. 
 
Let’s get it right, pundits and news organizations:  with the amount of people who actually vote, it’s impossible to say neck and neck.

Extremely Important/Sexy Things For Liberals to Remember

As the November election draws near, registered Democrats must remember a few crucial arguments. Namely, middle-class families deserve tax cuts; the changing climate warrants the nation’s investment in infrastructure and clean energy; every American should have the right to marry the person he or she loves; and at one point in time, some of the most hated Republicans in our nation’s history were at once REALLY sexy young men. 
 
I mean, wow. Take a look at my research.
 
John McCain

 

Mitt Romney

 

Dick Cheney



Ronald Reagan



Gerald Ford



Thomas Jefferson



Rick Perry (on the right.)

 
 
Damn. Old Rick Perry, even.

 

And John McCain, again. Just for fun.

Romney-Ryan Aide Calls Russian Girl Group “Un-American”

When asked to give an example of the Republican ticket’s leadership on
international affairs, Romney-Ryan foreign policy assistant Skippy Smith today
criticized the Russian punk group Pussy Riot, whose members were recently
sentenced to two years in prison for an unauthorized performance in a Russian
Orthodox Church. “We’ve looked into this,” Smith said. And we think this group
is just plain un-American.” When reporters reminded Smith that the members
of Pussy Riot were born in Russia, live in Russia, and have never claimed to be
American, he replied, “Exactly. They won’t show their birth certificates. That
proves my point.”

Smith went on to attack the group’s name. “If they had chosen to
call themselves American Pussy Riot, or Pussy American Riot,” Smith
explained, “We would’ve been much more inclined to support them.” In an effort
to recruit more college-age voters for Governor Romney, the Republican National
Committee has tried out the term “American pussy” on various focus groups,
Smith noted. The reaction so far has been very favorable, particularly among
non-gay, inebriated students in the lowest quartile of their class, a demographic
that the Romney-Ryan team has been making important inroads with.

Smith also stated that as an alternative to using some version of Pussy Riot to
court college students, Romney-Ryan has looked into using it with older voters.
But for the over-65 demographic, the word “riot” has bad connotations. Focus
groups of seniors have indicated that “Pussy Disturbance” or “Pussy Kerfuffle”
would be much more welcome.

When asked if Romney had an issue with the substance of Pussy
Riot’s criticism of President Vladimir Putin, Smith replied, “Christ, no. Anything
that’s good old American red-baiting we’re totally down with. We invented that
stuff. That’s why as a final offer, we said to them: Hey. Girls. Just change your
name to Anti-Communist Pussy and we will totally sign on. And they just looked
at us. It was as if they didn’t speak English.”

Mitt Romney Reacts to Tropical Storm Isaac

As Isaac heads towards Tampa, where the Republican National Convention is taking place this week:

As Isaac passes Tampa, canceling only one day of the RNC:

As Isaac is headed toward New Orleans, 7 years to the day after the destruction of Hurricane Katrina: