April 25, 2013

Shaina Taub

These have been some of the hardest weeks ever. As the days press on, one mantra has brought me solace:

November 25, 2012

Shaina Taub

You may remember hearing several weeks ago that seven current members of the Navy’s elite SEAL Team Six, including one involved in the raid that killed Osama bin Laden, have received punishments for having served as paid consultants for the video game “Medal of Honor: Warfighter.” The SEALs were punished for having violated their nondisclosure agreements and for having revealed tactics, techniques and procedures.

And now, just a few weeks later, it turns out these seven SEALS weren’t the only ones on their ranks to sell out their secrets for entertainment purposes. Three members of the prestigious Navy team were punished for divulging classified information to the collaborative team behind the upcoming Broadway musical, ‘SEAL TEAM SIXSICAL! THE MUSICAL!’. 

When previews of the show began on Tuesday, a senior Navy official happened to be in the audience, and spoke to us on the condition of anonymity. “My wife got tickets - I thought we were seeing Book of Mormon! Imagine my surprise when the curtain rose on a chorus line of dancing boys in uniform, performing our most classified drills, in tap shoes no less! And the lyrics to the act two opener, ‘Manhunt’ divulge addresses to top al Qaeda operative’s compounds. It’s an outrage, but I can’t stop humming the damn tune!”

At a press conference held yesterday, the chief producer of the musical commented, “Those lovely SEAL guys shouldn’t be punished - their story deserves to be told! Hollywood’s doing it, video games are doing it - and what better venue than on a Broadway stage. Plus, it drives recruitment! How wonderful if some high school theater club geeks join up in the armed forces after having seen our show? Lord knows this business has enough hopefuls as it is - better for them to pursue a career with a higher survival rate than trying to make it in musical theater!”

Songs from the musical include: ‘Somalia? (I Hardly Know Her!), ‘The Raid Rag’, ‘You Just Got Seal Team Six-ed’ and ‘Osama bin Laden Dream Ballet’.

The director of the musical, Julie Taymor, could not be reached for comment.

…

Check out Political Subversities live at Ars Nova in NYC on December 12th and 13th!

August 22, 2012

Shaina Taub

THERE’S NO DIFFERENCE, DUMB ASS.

July 14, 2012

Shaina Taub

The Obama campaign recently released its latest attack ad, featuring Mitt Romney painfully warbling “America the Beautiful”, as factoids about his holding of offshore accounts and outsourcing jobs overseas are flashed on the screen.

I know it seems like Obama was trying to diss Romney’s personal wealth – his alleged millions of dollars hidden in Swiss bank accounts and tax havens in the Cayman Islands. Sure, it appears as though Obama’s main jab with this attack ad is to challenge Romney to give out more information about his own finances by releasing his tax returns, and prove that he’s too fiscally shady to be an apt POTUS.

But we all know what’s really going on.

OBAMA IS CHALLENGING ROMNEY TO A SING-OFF.

Just listen to Mitt suffer through a relatively simple melody such as ‘America the Beautiful’. His rhythmic flubbing of the iconic first line, his lackadaisical phrasing on key heightening lyric – ‘above the fruited plain’. And worst of all, he is almost a HALF-NOTE FLAT on the triumphant refrain, ‘A-MERRR-ica, America.’  I mean, policy aside, can we really have a prez with such inexcusable intonation? 

As we all know, Obama is a consummate vocalist.

His natural vibrato, soulful delivery, lilting tenor and MASTERFUL up-riff on ‘i-in lo-ove with you’ and tonal grace are CLEAR indicators of his ability to lead the free world. How smart of him to drive home the DIRECT connection between vocal prowess and leadership ability with an attack ad featuring Romney’s pitiful crooning.

History proves this point…

Bill Clinton – EXCELLENT musician, excellent president:

George W. Bush – WEAK singer, WEAK president:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VNIw1hDNVE (This is so embarassing for America that embedding the video has been disabled)

As the race speeds up this fall, I look forward to the presidential sing-off heating up as well. 

With Steven Tyler leaving his spot as a judge, American Idol’s ratings would sky-rocket if they hosted a presidential vocal debate! (You’re welcome for that idea, Ryan Seacrest.) 

All I’m saying is they each better choose veeps who know how to harmonize in thirds.

After all, if we’re pitchy, then the terrorists win.

April 18, 2012

Shaina Taub

After a subway ride home on an intensely crowded A train full of exceptionally disgruntled New Yorkers this evening, I got to thinking.. what on earth puts so many people in a bad mood on the way home in this crazy city on this particular day?

Could it be sadness over the passing of TV impresario and legend, Dick Clark, this morning?

Could it be anger over the newly leaked photos of American soldiers smiling while holding limbs of dead Taliban officials?

Dismay at the current sex scandals erupting among several members of the Secret Service?

Disgust at Ander Behring Breivik’s claim of self-defense in response to murder charges for his slaughter of 77 people?

Heartbroken over Nelson, the abandoned baby parrot, making headlines for being the ugliest bird in the world?

It could be any number of these things and beyond, but I’d like to assert that it’s because New Yorkers make utterly insensible footwear choices. I know this city is famous for taste in shoes, but really… neither a three-inch heel nor a ballet flat will get you through a day in any of the boroughs. No matter how depressing the headlines are on any given morning, New Yorkers, you will be SIGNIFICANTLY happier if you (as I do) wear Crocs on a daily basis. 

Afraid you’ll get cold? You simply MUST try a sherpa-lined pair!

Need something appropriate for the work atmosphere? This simple, stylish Loafer-croc!

 Ladies, still wanna look cute? Try this adorable heel-Croc!

If you make your feet happier, YOU will be happier, New Yorkers.

Note: CrocsTM in no way endorsed or sponsored this blog post…

I am just spreading my good taste via Political Subversities to YOU.

Croc on.

April 4, 2012

Shaina Taub

There are a lot of misconceptions floating around about birth control pills. Some members of the Republican Party think that they’re a sort of female Viagra, or women’s sex stimulant. And I’m here today, as a woman, to confirm on the blogosphere that they could not be more RIGHT.

As a girl growing up with a wholesome, abstinence-only education, I knew nothing of the pill. It wasn’t until my slutty friend Sheila slipped me one on the way to the club, that this magic little drug awakened me to my inner ho.

The news will have you believe that women take birth control for reasons OTHER than sex – like regulation of cycle, ovarian cysts, and/or prevention of extremely painful menstruation side effects…. but that’s simply poppycock.

 Truth is, we take it so we can bone til we’re blue in the face! And if you crush it up and snort it like cocaine, your nipples are hard ALL DAY. Plus, it clears up your skin!

 Also, there’s a rumor that there’s no correlation between how much sex a woman has and how many pills she has to take. MALARKY! I need like four packs a day with all the shtupping I do. I need it.

 So, thank you Rush Limbaugh and the Republican Party for finally speaking the truth – I had been ashamed about my birth control addiction, but now I can live freely.

 Sorry, gotta wrap up the blog. My alarm just went off telling me it’s pill time. Uhhh… I just came. In my UTERUS.

March 24, 2012

Shaina Taub

The First Lady of Syria, the glamorous, British-born Asma al Assad, has been under intense scrutiny in the news this week for leaked emails revealing her excessive lifestyle and blasé stance on the grotesque human rights violations unfolding in her nation, not to mention building international resentment of her standing idly by as her hubby’s regime massacres its people. As this striking woman becomes increasingly disliked, I’d like to offer up a few career moves that might begin to redeem her.

Dear Asma, just a few friendly suggestions:

 -       Have Andrew Lloyd Webber write a Broadway musical based on your life story, in the vein of Evita. As soon as Kristin Chenoweth wins a Tony for her vocally-pyrotechnic portrayal of you, you’ll be a sensation in a New York minute!

-       Have The Clash re-release ‘Rock the Casbah’ as ‘Rock the Asma’. Push Adele out of the iTunes Top Ten, and people will hum instead of hiss when they hear your name.

-       Follow the Sarah Palin methodology, and get a reality TV series, with some punny title. Perhaps ‘Asma-tter of Fact’. People will assume you’re another Real Housewife… which I guess you are…

-       Do an iPhone commercial! People will get confused and start associating you with Siri instead of Syria, which will do wonders for your image.

-       Become the print ad spokesperson for a foundation for children with asthma. Pretend you changed your first name for the cause (but didn’t know how to spell it correctly? Then you’ll be endearingly clueless to boot!)

-       And… there’s always porn. But I guess you’re too classy for that.

Cause there’s nothing trashy about buying diamond encrusted stilettos for six grand while your citizens are gunned down in the streets. Yeah, porn is beneath you. Just host SNL or something.

March 7, 2012

Shaina Taub

The country and news media are up in arms about conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh’s inflammatory comments towards Sandra Fluke, a Georgetown law student who spoke up on behalf of insurance coverage for birth control, calling her a ‘slut’ and a ‘prostitute’. Among other backlash, the musical soundtrack of Rush’s show has suffered considerably, with major recording artists Peter Gabriel and the band, Rush, demanding their songs be pulled from Limbaugh’s program. The use of popular hits by political candidates and personalities is nothing new, but musicians’ forbidding usage of their tunes is a recent phenomenon.

In my humble opinion, I think the issue is song SELECTION. If the candidates and personalities chose a soundtrack more fitting to the truth, as opposed to the idealization of their image, I imagine the artists might be more inclined to endorse the airplay.

In this edition of #headlineplaylists, I’d like to suggest the following matches for several political big names and hit ditties. I leave the legalities to the parties involved:

 For Rush Limbaugh:

Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me (Guess I’ll Go Eat Worms) – Children’s Classic Song

For Mitt Romney:

Making Flip Floppy – by the Talking Heads

For Sarah Palin:

Rumor Has It - by Adele

For Newt Gingrich:

Old Man – by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

OR

I’m Still Here – by Stephen Sondheim, from the musical, Follies

For Rick Santorum:

American Idiot – by Green Day

For Ron Paul

Loser - by Beck

For President Obama:

Honey, Just Allow Me One More Chance – by Bob Dylan

And lastly, for Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton:

This Nearly Was Mine - by Rodgers and Hammerstein

Washington just needs better DJs….