March 26, 2013

Todd Dakotah Briscoe

I was asked to create a March Madness bracket for Political Subversities.  Now, I’ve never done one before and I didn’t bother to google it so I’m just assuming it’s a fight to the death between between people who went crazy in March.  So, here is Round One of Todd’s official March Madness bracket for PoliSub.

1) Justin Bieber vs. Miley Cyrus

They’ve battled it at the Teen Choice Awards, and now they’re battling over who went craziest in March.

 Justin Bieber- verbally assaulted a paparazzi, showed up 2.5 hours late to a concert because he was playing video games, tweeted shirtless photos of him in a hospital, went on an incoherent twitter rant about haters.

Miley Cyrus- Posted videos of herself in a unicorn costume “twerking” and posted photos that showed her similarities to Tolkein character “Gollum.”

The winner?

2) Sandy Rios vs. Hillary Clinton

Representative of the American Family Association, Sandy Rios, has release a 6 minute video in which she suggests that Hillary Clinton came out to support Gay Marriage because Hillary is, in fact, a lesbian.

Hillary Clinton release a video stating her support for Gay Marriage… 5 years after she said she was supporting gay marriage during her presidential campaign.

Winner?

3) Nazi Saluting Soccer Player vs. The KKK

Giorgos Katidis, a 20-year-old Greek soccer player was banned from the game for life after giving a Nazi salute on the field.

The KKK handed out white-bread sandwiches in an attempt to show the world what good guys they are.

Winner?

4) Producers of Mad Men vs. Editor of Esquire UK

The producers of Mad Men have asked Jon Hamm to start wearing underwear after it was concluded that Mr. Hamm’s “enormous talent” was too distracting in the tightly tailored clothes.

The editor of Esquire UK recently said at a panel that they viewed women in the magazine as “ornamental” and only meant to be “subjects.”

Winner?  

JENNIFER WESTFELDT.

Tune in tomorrow for part two of March Madness!***

***Editor’s Note:  Please don’t.  We apologize that Todd didn’t understand the assignment and also didn’t bother to Google “March Madness.” We promise we’ll have things sorted out in time for the start of our next live show, running every  Saturday in April at The PIT. 

February 13, 2013

Akilah Hughes - Guest Writer

Habari Gani! If you didn’t know that the correct response to that exclamation is “Umoja!” then you’re in for a treat: It’s Black History Month again! Just when you thought Kwanzaa and MLK Day were enough, we’re bringing you a full 28 days of melanin. Not only will we be sharing all kinds of wondrous Black info, but we’re also providing you with an almost exhaustive list of things not to say to Black people for the rest of February, courtesy of the Monthly Black People Meeting Council:

1. Why Do Black People…? No. Stop. None of the Black people you talk to are the spokespeople of their race, not even Bill Cosby or Morgan Freeman. Their opinions are their own, even if they are commonplace. Plus, lots of people refer to kool-aid as its color rather than its flavor.

2. Why Isn’t There a White History Month? Whooaaaahoahoahoaaaa. Sorry to wake you, Snorlax, but the past 11 months were White History Month.  Remember when we talked about how basically every White president was known for being honest—as if that’s the most interesting thing a person can be? Yeah, those were the White history months.

3. So Were Your Ancestors Slaves?  Pump the brakes! Here’s a good rule of thumb: If your Black friend has a very Caucasian sounding last name like Miller or Stewart, you can assume that yes, that’s the case. No need to single them out.

4. Why Do Black People Get Ashy? Rude. You’re ashy too, promise. You just can’t see it. You might want to start using lotion now so as not to resemble a leather purse in roughly 5-10 years.

5. How Often Do You Wash Your Hair? What a peculiar question. No one’s asking you how often you brush your teeth! Hair washing is personal, and is often done less than our paler counterparts simply because our hair has the problem of being too dry rather than too greasy. Imagine, then, how damaging consistently washing hair could be to our precious curls. Let’s just keep all grooming questions to ourselves.

6. Rap Music is Terrible Though! Why Should We Care About Black Music!? Listen up, homie: Black music led the way for most forms of popular music today. Where do you think Rock music comes from? It came from Jazz music performed by Black jazz musicians. Also, stop basing your perception of an entire genre on your limited exposure to good music.

7. How Come Black People are so good At Sports? What? Why are you asking us this? How can we possibly know?Our guess would be that physical ability is viewed as a profitable skill in lower socio-economic brackets because the educational system in America is biased against those groups and it is their only way to transcend poverty—but again, totally inappropriate to ask.

8. Why Wasn’t the Underground Railroad Actually Underground? Us Black people don’t have too many slave friends to reference for these questions, but our assumption is that between working longer than full-time hours in a field and then plotting and executing an escape route, there wasn’t much time left for creating an uptown express subway train to freedom. Read: not the smartest question.

We hope you learned something valuable here today. These guidelines should help you avoid getting slapped or having heavy shade thrown in your direction during the next few weeks. You are now free to experience Black History Month.

February 7, 2013

Briana James

After days of investigative investigating by PoliSub’s Investigative Investigations Team, we finally got answers about the Super Bowl blackout. One of the many wardrobe assistants for the Super Bowl, who has chosen to identify herself as Shirley, gave us the inside scoop on the power outage. See below.

“So I was like backstage and everyone was there and I was like kinda doing work but mostly listening to the conversation and Beyoncé was like “So you bitches ready?” And Alicia was like, “For what?” And Beyoncé was like, “For me! Duh. I’m bringin it bitches!“ So Jennifer goes, “Oh you mean like that time at the Oscars…when I won-?” And then Beyoncé was like really quiet and then Alicia goes, “Probably gonna lip sync again.” And then outta nowhere Beyoncé like lost it and punched Alicia like for real punched her in the face and then Alicia got all rah-rah like all angry and shit and all like omg and she started screaming for security and then security ran in— like five of them— yeah! That shit was cray. And then they were like asking what happened and Alicia was like, “Oh my freakin’ god she punched me!” And then security was like, “Oh.” And then they left because like they can’t do anything to Beyoncé though like no one can and then Beyoncé left too. 

And Alicia was so serious about like getting back at Beyoncé and then she went to Michelle because Michelle is like you know like in the shadows and tired of that and like she was already mad that Beyoncé was going to dismiss her from the stage before the finale you know like only give her a few minutes onstage so they figured out that Michelle could pull the plugs in the power room because all the power was under the stage and Michelle was under there for rehearsal and had to like come onstage from underneath so she knew. So after Michelle got dismissed from the stage by Beyoncé she went down under the stage again and she was like planning to ruin the finale and she pulled the plug on the power in the stadium but she was like two seconds too late… so Beyoncé got her finale and Alicia was like “Dang michelle…dang.”

November 1, 2012

Emma Tattenbaum-Fine

My mom, Margie, was very excited when I announced that, because my
best friend Leah was playing, I too would sign up for soccer.  I have
two moms who, in various active ways throughout the 60s, 70s, and 80s,
participated in the women’s rights, civil rights, and gay rights
movements of their time.  I was six-years-old in ‘92 and fiercely
devoted to Barbies, My Little Ponies, Disney Princesses, Making Up Secret Languages, Putting on Puppet Shows, Mr. Rogers, Costumes, andWearing Dresses with Giant Bows to Weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. I showed no athletic aptitude except for an incredible ability to eat.

rid the world of misogyny.

I did not understand the game and rarely knew where the ball was at
any given time or why it was there or whether that was good or bad.
Also, I didn’t care.  But when game time came, with all the parents
watching, I dutifully chased the other kids and so, by association,
chased the ball.  It was no secret that the best players on the team
were the fast boys who whizzed by me.  I was always “open”, but I was
also chubby, disoriented, and highly verbal.  Hell, I wouldn’t pass me
the ball either.

Once, just once, when I was seven years old, I accidentally found my way to the ball during an actual game.Immediately, a tall redheaded boy from the other team was towering over my tangled blonde head, with a birds-eye view of my potbelly, as we eyed the soccer ball at our feet.  I realized in his tremendous shadow that I ALSO wanted to kick the ball and, with a year-and-a-half of previously diffuse frustration now gathered in my tiny right-footed cleat, I kicked that boy powerfully in the shin-guard.  He fell to the ground clutching his tibia.

himself up.  I didn’t know which way to run anyhow, so I stood
perfectly still to savor the delicious memory of kicking both a tall
boy and a soccer ball in one perfect fall afternoon.

August 8, 2012

Cyndi Perczek

I have no hair left. I’ve ripped every single one out of my head and I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown. I haven’t eaten in days and my eyes are almost swollen shut.

BUT I CAN’T SEEM TO STOP WATCHING OLYMPIC GYMNASTICS!!!!!

How do they do it? They spend their entire lives training, watch their bodies become wide, stubby muscular structures and sometimes don’t even make it!

And you know what kills me?! When their tiny little 14-16 year old selves have a mediocre routine and you can see them tearing up, trying to keep it together as they walk up to their disappointed coaches. I cry every time.

But then I get SO mad. It makes me want to go up to their coaches and say “ HEY! DUDE! COULD YOU GIVE HER A BREAK? SHE PROBABLY WANTS TO BE A NORMAL PERSON WHO CAN EAT A BURGER AND WATCH A MOVIE WITH HER FRIENDS BUT INSTEAD SHE HAS TO DO THINGS LIKE BACKHAND SPRINGS ON A BEAM! CAN YOU DO THAT? NOOOO!!!!!”.

Oh my God, Gabby Douglas is on T.V. I gotta go.

July 26, 2012

Emma Tattenbaum-Fine

Thing 1

I do not like doping, 

not one little bit.

The Olympics should have none of it!

I do not like it from the Greeks,

I like it not from Cul-de-Lik.

I do not like it from Dibble-dee-Laine.

I do not like dopers from the Ukraine.

Why bother do they, the Lirks and the Teys,

to shoot hormones!  This mess!  It never pays!

And it serves them right, as wrongs often do,

that now they’ll sit out, and pay wrongdoer dues!

These crummy cheats now — simply will not compete.

They will sit on their rumpus and hang up their cleats!

They’ve mocked their sport 

and this is sad,

‘cause worldwide sport

is the PEACE we’ve had.

Thing 2

But if you’re from a country of sadness,

of violent protests and communi-badness,

perhaps there’s more pressure, 

when ‘ere you run ,

to be very fast

and to have zero fun!

And the Olympics your only way out may be,

so this news will hurt you most painfully:

they’ll catch your cheating rump,

just you wait and see,

when they hand you a cup

and they force you to pee!

And your life will still suck!

And you’ll still be so poor!

But with even less sympathy than you had before….

Thing 1 & Thing 2

I do not like doping.

I don’t like it one bit.

Thing 2

The Olympics are special

Take this TIME OUT and think about it.

April 24, 2012

Andrew Butler

Dear whoever is responsible for deciding what is and is not breaking news,

First off, let me make clear that I appreciate getting an optional breaking news update about world events of broad general significance and/or that may have direct serious impact on my life. If you were to only send me tweets in all caps and dramatic push notifications on my mobile devices about such events and news items then I would not only be grateful, but would not need to write the rest of this letter.

Who decides what is “breaking” news? Isn’t all news “breaking” at some point? Do you just open up the newspaper and throw darts at it to decide what to bug me about? Because that system might actually provide more relevant news updates.

More seriously, I suspect the reason you send me bullshit “news alerts” is because you think you know what will draw traffic to your website. However, as someone you probably fired must have pointed out, your attempts to drive traffic to your news site based on what’s trending or on what you think people are likely to click on debases your value to me as a gatherer and curator of pertinent information.  I WILL STOP ENGAGING WITH YOUR NEWS PUBLICATION IF YOU DON’T GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AND STOP ACTING LIKE YOU’RE TMZ. I’m looking at you New York Times.

For the news industry’s benefit, I have crafted some examples of what I think ARE and ARE NOT legitimate stories to send barreling to the forefront of my attention.

“BREAKING: NORTH KOREA DETONATES NUCLEAR WEAPON IN SEOUL.” // My god, yes. I want to know immediately if something this horrific should ever happen.

“BREAKING: NORTH KOREA NOT VERY GOOD AT ROCKET SCIENCE” // NO. This is not breaking news. We all already knew this. I don’t need you blowing up my phone to tell me what North Korea sucks at. It can wait until I pick up your paper or open your app.

“BREAKING: BRAD PITT AND ANGELINA JOLIE TO WED” // NO. This  is not life affecting news AT ALL. TO ALMOST ANYONE. Yes they are breaking their promise to forgo marriage until there is marriage equality, but I don’t need a text message alert dedicated to telling me that celebrities are flakey humanitarians.

BREAKING: BRAD PITT AND ANGELINA JOLIE DETONATE NUCLEAR WEAPON IN SEOUL. // YES. Unlikely, but all the more reason to let me know ASAP. Who knows, I might see one of them in SoHo and survive to contact the UN.

“BREAKING: FLORIDA SINKS INTO THE OCEAN” // YES. My mom lives there, as do lots of moms. National tragedy.

“BREAKING: FLORIDA OFFICIALS REJECT RESIGNATION OF POLICE CHEIF IN TRAYVON MARTIN CASE” // NO. Do I care? Yes. Is it important? Yes. Does finding out now vs one hour from now matter? no.

“BREAKING: ATHLETE DOES SOMETHING COOL!” // NO

“BREAKING: ATHLETE DOES SOMETHING SO COOL THAT WATCHING IT WILL LITERALLY MAKE YOU POOP YOURSELF” // STILL NO. I can sign up for ESPN updates if I need instant notification of future sports trivia.

“BREAKING: WE ARE REALLY SORRY YOU ARE SO ANAL ABOUT YOUR NEWS ALERTS, MAYBE YOU SHOULD RELAX” // NO. See, this one is too personal, while it does affect me, I wouldn’t want everyone else to have to check their phone in the middle of watching Mad Men, only to think “what’s the big deal, unless I’m Andrew there is no reason you needed to interrupt Don  Draper to give me this information.” WHO’S THE ASSHOLE NOW NEWS SERVICES???

“BREAKING: STILL YOU” // WHATEVER. You’re just mad because you know I’m right.

April 11, 2012

Emma Tattenbaum-Fine

I just read in Time Magazine (that’s right, I read periodicals)  that synchronized swimming is a poorly-funded Olympic sport. 

Synchronized swimming…. involves…. and tell me if I’ve missed something here…. Hot… Young… Supremely toned… Young…Hot… Women, in Swimsuits… Smiling… with their faces more or less in the ass of the woman in front of or on top of them, while swimming in formation, while suspended in water.  In a synchronized fashion, while being hot young nearly naked women hot young girls in a group, touching. 

How is this sport poorly funded??

I can think of men who would be into this.  I can think of women who would be into this!  I don’t know them personally, but I can, abstractly, think of transgender persons who would be soooo into this!!!

What demographic doesn’t like women in make-up to swim with other women while being hot and thin and buff and touching one another????

Shit, I’m so hot and bothered thinking about what should be the mass appeal of synchronized swimming… that I might just donate money to this dead-end sport.

Oh wait… I donated my money to actual swimming.   :  (