August 24, 2012

nicHi douglas

Texas Judge Tom Head told Fox News that he fears that the reelection of Obama will result in an American civil war. What an insensitive thing to say, what with the actual civil war taking place in Syria right now.  Not only is it insensitive, it’s preposterous. Judge Head thinks that this:

Will lead to this:

That these folks:

Would let this happen:

This guy:

Causing this:

Call me naïve, but I don’t buy it.

but I’d buy Bieber.  for like $300.

…

Political Subversities’ last live show of the summer is tomorrow, August 25th, at 9:30! Come check us out live! Tickets HERE. 

May 31, 2012

Matthew Robert Gehring

As of Tuesday night in Texas, Mitt Romney received over 1,144 delegates necessary to pave his way to the election season as the official Republican nominations and in his intoxicated speech in the Lone Star State said, “Shut the fuck up and deal with it, bitches.”  

Romney was responding to his wide-spread criticism that he lacks excitement from the Republican base while holding a quarter-full bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey. “I strap dogs to my car, I make a shit ton of money and I’m going to be the next president if you cocksuckers get your act together - so get yours acts together,” Romney unnecessarily screamed into a microphone.  

Though most Republicans find him liberal leaning, Reince Preibus, Republican National Committee chair, said that it was nice to see the more “American side” of Romney.  A heavy rebuke came from the Mormon clergy, but Romney was too busy making out with all of his sons’ girlfriends to care.

March 27, 2012

Andrew Butler

Amnesty International just released their yearly country-by-country report on government executions and after reading it, quite frankly, I am disgusted to be an American.

On the list of countries that execute the largest number of their citizens, we’re in 5^th place. FIFTH. We should be number ONE. You know what color medal the person in fifth place gets? A failure colored medal, that’s what color. WE ARE LOSING THE INTERNATIONAL EXECUTION RACE. And guess who’s winning: CHINA. Just like they’re winning at everything. Smart kids? CHINA. Manufacturing? CHINA. Executions? CHINA! And Amnesty International thinks they probably carried out a bunch more executions that they just didn’t bother to report! Cocky bastards.

Sure, we’re beating Yemen, we’re beating Somalia, we’re beating North Korea, but those are bullshit little countries that probably just can’t afford to be killing off what few citizens haven’t died of curable diseases, hunger, and pirates. 

You know who else we’re losing to? Saudi Arabia, Iraq and Iran. JUST EMBARASSING. Sure, we could try to claim that Iraq is following in our footsteps: establish representative government, have those representatives kill people on our behalf, etc etc, but deep down we know they’re just better at it than we are. Maybe it’s all the oil over there? That could also explain why Texas is so darn good at executing people (30% of our executions happen in the Lone Star State. Good work Texas!).

Look. It’s not hopeless. We ARE good at this. SO GOOD in fact, that all the other Western countries have given up on executing people. LOSERS! The playing field is tighter than it’s ever been, down 10% to just 20 countries who carried out executions last year, but the total number of world wide executions rose 28%, so now that we’ve separated the men from the men-who-don’t-want-to-kill-other-men, the game is really afoot. 

Can we keep up? A healthy 34 U.S. States have the death penalty, but only 78 prisoners received death sentences last year. I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t pay my taxes every year for them to get used on not-killing my fellow countrymen. We need to step up our game in 2012. This is our year. Call your Congressman! Let’s put some Americans to death!