April 25, 2013

Shaina Taub

These have been some of the hardest weeks ever. As the days press on, one mantra has brought me solace:

March 26, 2013

Todd Dakotah Briscoe

I was asked to create a March Madness bracket for Political Subversities.  Now, I’ve never done one before and I didn’t bother to google it so I’m just assuming it’s a fight to the death between between people who went crazy in March.  So, here is Round One of Todd’s official March Madness bracket for PoliSub.

1) Justin Bieber vs. Miley Cyrus

They’ve battled it at the Teen Choice Awards, and now they’re battling over who went craziest in March.

 Justin Bieber- verbally assaulted a paparazzi, showed up 2.5 hours late to a concert because he was playing video games, tweeted shirtless photos of him in a hospital, went on an incoherent twitter rant about haters.

Miley Cyrus- Posted videos of herself in a unicorn costume “twerking” and posted photos that showed her similarities to Tolkein character “Gollum.”

The winner?

2) Sandy Rios vs. Hillary Clinton

Representative of the American Family Association, Sandy Rios, has release a 6 minute video in which she suggests that Hillary Clinton came out to support Gay Marriage because Hillary is, in fact, a lesbian.

Hillary Clinton release a video stating her support for Gay Marriage… 5 years after she said she was supporting gay marriage during her presidential campaign.

Winner?

3) Nazi Saluting Soccer Player vs. The KKK

Giorgos Katidis, a 20-year-old Greek soccer player was banned from the game for life after giving a Nazi salute on the field.

The KKK handed out white-bread sandwiches in an attempt to show the world what good guys they are.

Winner?

4) Producers of Mad Men vs. Editor of Esquire UK

The producers of Mad Men have asked Jon Hamm to start wearing underwear after it was concluded that Mr. Hamm’s “enormous talent” was too distracting in the tightly tailored clothes.

The editor of Esquire UK recently said at a panel that they viewed women in the magazine as “ornamental” and only meant to be “subjects.”

Winner?  

JENNIFER WESTFELDT.

Tune in tomorrow for part two of March Madness!***

***Editor’s Note:  Please don’t.  We apologize that Todd didn’t understand the assignment and also didn’t bother to Google “March Madness.” We promise we’ll have things sorted out in time for the start of our next live show, running every  Saturday in April at The PIT. 

February 7, 2013

Briana James

After days of investigative investigating by PoliSub’s Investigative Investigations Team, we finally got answers about the Super Bowl blackout. One of the many wardrobe assistants for the Super Bowl, who has chosen to identify herself as Shirley, gave us the inside scoop on the power outage. See below.

“So I was like backstage and everyone was there and I was like kinda doing work but mostly listening to the conversation and Beyoncé was like “So you bitches ready?” And Alicia was like, “For what?” And Beyoncé was like, “For me! Duh. I’m bringin it bitches!“ So Jennifer goes, “Oh you mean like that time at the Oscars…when I won-?” And then Beyoncé was like really quiet and then Alicia goes, “Probably gonna lip sync again.” And then outta nowhere Beyoncé like lost it and punched Alicia like for real punched her in the face and then Alicia got all rah-rah like all angry and shit and all like omg and she started screaming for security and then security ran in— like five of them— yeah! That shit was cray. And then they were like asking what happened and Alicia was like, “Oh my freakin’ god she punched me!” And then security was like, “Oh.” And then they left because like they can’t do anything to Beyoncé though like no one can and then Beyoncé left too. 

And Alicia was so serious about like getting back at Beyoncé and then she went to Michelle because Michelle is like you know like in the shadows and tired of that and like she was already mad that Beyoncé was going to dismiss her from the stage before the finale you know like only give her a few minutes onstage so they figured out that Michelle could pull the plugs in the power room because all the power was under the stage and Michelle was under there for rehearsal and had to like come onstage from underneath so she knew. So after Michelle got dismissed from the stage by Beyoncé she went down under the stage again and she was like planning to ruin the finale and she pulled the plug on the power in the stadium but she was like two seconds too late… so Beyoncé got her finale and Alicia was like “Dang michelle…dang.”

January 29, 2013

Andrew R. Butler

I read today that the White House is going to go ahead with the nomination of Gen. Allen as Europe’s NATO commander since the Pentagon cleared him of any misconduct in the General Petraeus scandal. Honestly, I had forgotten that Allen existed. I don’t have cable at the moment so I haven’t seen a rerun of Home Improvement in ages, nor the nightly news, but I feel strongly that Allen is the wrong choice for NATO commander. Here’s why Congress should not approve his nomination:

1.) Too much plastic surgery. The article I saw was paired with this photo:

Why did Allen change his appearance so much? He used to look like this:

WHAT GIVES, ALLEN? He doesn’t even look younger. Can we trust someone who makes these sorts of decisions?

2.) Almost certainly not a real general. Name me ONE OTHER GENERAL who has had a successful career as an actor, comedian and voice-over artist? YOU CAN’T. I think Allen is awesome, but I have a hard time believing he’s a real general.

 3.) He’s a total klutz. Have you SEEN Home Improvement? Do you really want someone that disaster prone running NATO in Europe? NO.

4.) Allen is THE SANTA CLAUSE. You can’t put The Santa Clause in a uniform! It will ruin the spirit of the holidays. What will come of this!?! The Santa Clause 4: The War on Christmas?!!??

OK, I will admit that Buzz Lightyear seems like a decent candidate. He’s got strategy and gusto and those wings that pop out. But honestly, if someone is holding a position of that much power, wouldn’t we all rather it be Tom Hanks?

Now THAT’S what I call a commander of NATO forces in Europe! 

November 29, 2012

Todd Dakotah Briscoe

Editor’s Note:  Todd watched “Liz and Dick” and visited Guy’s American Kitchen and Bar in the same day.  Apparently, the combination affected parts of his brain and as far as Todd can recall, they are the exact same thing.  Here is Todd’s review of the restaurant/Lifetime movie “Liz and Dick and Guy’s American Kitchen and Bar.”

Over the past four years, Lindsay Lohan has mainly been known for her run-ins with the tabloids, numerous arrests and iconic bleached spikes.  She’s been in and out of courts and championing traditional American diner food.  Critics and fans alike have been eagerly awaiting her return to Times Square: Television for Women with the new project “Liz and Dick and Guy’s American Kitchen and Bar.”

Recently a New York Times review ravaging the new biopic went viral with a review that was entirely comprised of rhetorical questions such as, “Were you struck by how very far from awesome the Awesome Pretzel Chicken Tenders are?  Are you aware of the irony of I Know Who Killed Me partially killed your career?” 

One does feel sorry for Ms. Lohan as growing up too early is a harsh reality of child actors in Flavortown, especially since she was under the dubious influence of her now infamous parents, Michael Lohan and Morgan’s Chop-Chop (a salad).  Certainly she had high hopes riding on this new 19,000 square real estate next door to the Harry Potter Exhibit.  One wonders if former co-star Meryl Streep had any cooking tips. 

Of course Ms. Lohan’s co-star, Guy Fieri, gives an excellent impression of Richard Burton.  Mr. Fieri’s British accent, suave good looks and Funkin Punkin ale seem to be in a completely different film.  Speaking of accents, Ms. Lohan as a plate of Malibu Oysters speaks of missing her childhood in England with a Long Island accent and I’m still waiting on my order of Dragon’s Breath Chili. 

While the film does offer a great insight into a classic Hollywood relationship topped with Unyawns, Ms. Lohan’s preferred spelling of “onions,” by the fourth time that she throws a bottle of Donkey Sauce against a mirror while screaming about her fame, you simply feel sadness for Ms. Lohan’s career, though I did like the margaritas.

The supporting cast including Charles Shaughnessy, Creed Bratton and General Tso’s Pork Shank, do their best to elevate the movie, but the wait staff seems to know that this is not a real restaurant.

Yet with all of Ms. Lohan’s fright wigs topped with a Rojo Ring, surely we all knew what we were getting.  Did anyone ever say this restaurant was any other kind of film than it is?

…

Come check out Political Subversities live December 12th & 13th at ARS NOVA! Get your tickets in advance HERE.

September 21, 2012

Todd Dakotah Briscoe

The 2012 Emmy Awards will be broadcast this Sunday and millions of television fans and fat people will be watching to see if Phil Keoghan will FINALLY beat Cat Deeley as best Reality Television Host.  The masses will need to know if Alan Skog’s beautiful direction of The Nutrcracker on PBS will beat out frontrunner Don Mischer’s work on the Academy Awards.

While we have to muddle through the boring categories like Best Actress and Comedy Series, I’ve proposed a drinking game to help get us through:

• Betty White is nominated as best Reality Tv Host (Betty White’s “Off Their Rockers”).  Every time she makes an inappropriate comment, take a drink.
• Every time someone makes a joke about Betty White’s age, take a drink.
• When the Best Supporting Actresses in a Comedy Series or Best Actresses in a Comedy Series all agree to do a hilarious prank or stunt (acting like a pageant, funny glasses) finish your drink and applaud their desire to show women supporting other women.
• Take another shot when those actresses who don’t win all nod their heads like they knew that person would win.
• Take a shot when Mad Men wins Best Drama Series.
• Like, fucking finish a bottle when Downton Abbey beats Mad Men.
• Inject some heroin when Boardwalk Empire wins.  (I know a guy… leave a comment if you need a hook up).
• Take a drink when Lena Dunham is shown wearing a quirky/interesting dress that could also be described as “unflattering.”
• Tilt your head to the side like a confused puppy whenever someone talks about “Hemingway and Gellhorn.” 
• Take a shot whenever someone makes a joke about Sofia Vergara speaking Spanish.  Or her boobs.
• Take a shot every time Todd giggles when someone says Benedict Cumberbatch.  You won’t be watching with me, but it’ll basically be every time someone says Benedict Cumberbatch. 
• Take a long slow drag of a cigarette and think about your wasted dreams and wish that you had just a little more morphine left when Jessica Lange wins for her Tennessee Williams-esque performance in “American Horror Story.”
• Take a piss when best director of a Variety Series is announced.
• Pass me the wings.
• Take a drink when someone makes a joke about “Nurse Jackie” being a comedy.
• Do a Sarah Palin impression when Julianne Moore’s category is shown and then take a drink when it’s awkward that no one is laughing.
• Make a mental note to yourself that maybe this year you’ll try watching Breaking Bad.
• Take a shot if Kristin Wiig loses.
• Wake up the next day and promise that you’re going to start watching less television and hit the gym more, but then make sure that the season premiere of “The Walking Dead” is being DVR’d.